As you know, I live in a cave outside the town of Baldock. Living like this has it’s advantages (no roof maintenance, no windows to clean and no stairs), however a downside is dial-up-like internet speeds that prompts cave visitors to come over all nostalgic (along with a yearning for the return of Wooly Mammoth burgers and Man the hunter and provider). This week I decided to do something about my access and, being never wrong, turned my ‘righteous dial’ up to maximum with disastrous results…

Faulty Access Friday

My internet access has been the worst that you know,
Despite engineer’s visit, it was tortoise-like slow,
He plugged in a tester that showed it’s ok,
And said it would speed up some other day.

It took many minutes to load the test site,
No ‘Mega Barks Per Susan’ confirmed it not right,
We’re not up a mountain or a remote part of Wales,
“I want to upgrade to dialup,” I told them in sales!

Good Friday morning, eight days to go!
Tried to update my website, it was a definite ‘No’,
Took twenty minutes to load up the test,
Went and had a coffee, give my temper a rest.

Sitting at the table I had an idea,
I had purchased a protection plan with the laptop last year,
At a call centre in Ireland a teckie drank tea,
Waiting for a complainer who happened to be me.

Over the telephone (an outdated mode),
Rory gave instructions to avoid an implode.
“Don’t worry, it’s simple, my thirteenth today,
We’ll fix that in a minute just do as I say.”

So now I must apologise to those I have sworn at,
The providers of technology (that confuses the cat)
BT and Apple, I’ve maligned you with glee,
The real stupid idiot, all along was just ME!

And now that I’ve written this silly little rhyme
It’s off to the blog site to put it on line
Click on to ‘Publish’, everything goes real slow
If this has now surfaced will someone let me know?

© Baldock Bard
Just 8 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk