A Farmer in the Stocks!

Roll Up! Roll Up! It’s the greatest show on earth! Come and see the farmer in the stocks! Bring plenty of rotten imported fruit and your best throwing arm. I am a farmer, my job, as I see it, is to grow the maximum amount of crops on my acreage to feed as many people as possible. All of this whilst protecting the environment for the next generation. Furthermore I like bees, they help pollinate my crops and wild flowers, I love honey and have almost worn out my copy of ‘Bee Movie’. However Brussels has now declared that we are all bee killers and that a yield-enhancing chemical must be banned. In the past, chemicals were banned following proper scientific investigation. This time hysteria has overtaken common sense and I’m to blame. I work in possibly the most over-regulated industry in the most over-regulated country since the fall of East Germany. Unfortunately I don’t produce enough organic matter myself to fertilise my acres so going organic isn’t an option and anyway lower yields would lead to less food in the shops. So what’s it to be…
I’m spending Thursday in the stocks,
because I sprayed my farm,
the lack of bees to pollinate,
has led to great alarm.

“It’s the fault of farmers!”
TV commentators say,
it would be our fault yet again,
if shops, no food display.

I’d love to go organic,
it would save me a king’s ransom,
sprays cost more than whisky,
the rewards could be quite handsome!

But what is this I hear you cry,
“Your job is to feed us all,”
Well guess what, that’s your lot!
Your portion will be small!

I don’t kill bees,
I don’t kill wasps,
I don’t kill MPs either!
I just want peace,
To feed the world,
And possibly make a fiver!

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