I’ve always been jealous of DIY champions. You know the type: their partners are always going on about how “Fred laid us a new patio last night!” or “Tom is such a marvel with his hands, he built a pagoda in the garden last weekend, weaved entirely out of trimmings from the strimmer!” To me the worst boast is about those who, according to their other halves, are ‘house Van Goghs’ and paint anything that can’t escape…

I am crap at painting,
I spill it on the floor,
If I attempt to paint the ceiling,
I seem to cover the door!

I thought I’d impress my darling,
(She was out all day),
With a fresh coat in the kitchen,
So she would say: “Wow Hey!”

I covered up the table,
And attempted first the ceiling,
Looking up made me dizzy,
That’s why I tripped, was reeling!

My foot went in the can,
That put paid to that,
What worried most of all,
Was the white stripe on the cat!

I rang up a professional,
I pleaded for him to come,
When she came home he was finishing,
A very successful outcome!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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