Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Kevin Cycles!

Posted on by
Share

The warmer weather, whilst bringing out barbecues, picnic rugs and paddling pools, also brings out cyclists onto the roads. While most are considerate and safety conscious, there are some who see car drivers as the enemy and behave accordingly. This is all the more apparent on country roads and lanes, where space is already at a premium…

When Kevin dons his lycra,
he finds he’s at a loss,
why motorists seem to swear at him,
‘cos he thinks he’s the boss!
He swoops down country lanes,
he doesn’t give a damn,
in his mind you will find,
he thinks that he’s ‘The Man!’
A mummy’s doing the school run,
Little Freddie calls her ‘a bitch’,
for a moment she’s distracted,
and Kevin’s in the ditch.

Ride carefully Kevin. With apologies to all the considerate and careful riders out there, keep peddling and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share

The Spider and the Spoon!

Posted on by
Share

I must have been playing in the long grass when my mother gave her cubs the etiquette lesson because I’m a social failure. Either I get motor-mouth-bore factor 50 or I am struck dumb with gargoyle-stone-tongue-syndrome. On Sunday I went to a wonderful 60th birthday party, lovely surroundings, sunshine, very tasty wine, marquee on an English lawn, one of over 100 guests and a seating plan for lunch. I knew quite a few of the other guests but have an inbuilt dread of seating plans. We sat down for lunch and I found myself between the daughter of the birthday-girl (a young and pretty Australian nurse) and a spritely and feisty grandmother. I tried to be a good guest, attempting to share attention, until the grandmother dug me in the ribs with a well-sharpened elbow…

“I think that you will find,
there’s a spider in your spoon,
and as it’s nearly two,
they’ll serve pudding very soon!”
I looked at my cutlery,
and suddenly could see,
the ‘spider’ she was talking about,
was the roof of the marquee!
In horror my brain went frozen,
what was I to do?
Suggest a trip to Specsavers,
or dash out to the loo?
So I picked up the spoon,
and gave it a mighty clack,
then she said the immortal words:
“Oh look! The spider’s back!”

With massive apologies to my wonderful lunchtime neighbours for the embellishment of the simple tale. Although in my defence, I did tell the grandmother as I took the photo that I had no idea how I’d include a spoon into a verse!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share

Something Called Love!

Posted on by
Share

We have rescued another duck, this time a white female who was abandoned when her owners moved house and left her behind. After a few false starts when she assumed she was a rather small goose and tagged onto the others, she has now settled down and is attempting to attract the eye of another of our residents…

Miss Jemima Duddlepuck’s boyfriend,
is very very shy,
pretends he cant’t see her,
when she gives him the eye!
He hides his head,
when she says “look at me!”
He quietly responds,
“it’s no use I can’t see!”
He just doesn’t get it,
looks like he’ll get the shove,
it’s that weird condition,
something they call love!

Thank you TR for suggesting in your e-mail: ‘it’s just a man-thing!’ Of course I couldn’t possibly comment!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

Share

The Bridesmaid’s Blossom!

Posted on by
Share

This year the blossom on the trees seems to be more radiant than ever. In particular, the flowering cherry has outshone them all. Looking out of the window I was reminded of a bridesmaid at a wedding…

Like a rather large bridesmaid,
in her bridesmaid’s dress,
the flowering cherry,
is desperate to impress!
But in this case,
when seen from inside,
this large pink bridesmaid,
outshines the bride!

For all those who misread the title, I hope you had a little chuckle, have a good day and stay lucky!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share

Agricultural Perfection!

Posted on by
Share

There are moments in life when perfection stares you in the face and you are forced to act. Yesterday evening I was driving back from visiting my old man when I suddenly slammed on the brakes, grabbed my trusty i-phone and took this mornings photo. I just wish that I’d had a proper camera with me…

Sometimes you just know that somethings right,
like the potato planting I saw last night.
It wasn’t me on the tractor as everyone knows,
I’d never achieved such perfect rows.
…so I’ll just sit back and enjoy someone else’s perfection!

Have a great day and if you can find perfection, even in others, luxuriate in the discovery and have a great day!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share

…As A Post!

Posted on by
Share

For the last day or so I’ve been struck down with little or no hearing. It started with an attempt at self-medication using bicarbonate of soda as ear drops. It worked so well that all of a sudden I could hear nothing. So I’ve had a day of driving a silent mower, a silent tractor and a silent Loadall, much to my surprise. Unfortunately I have still been able to be infuriated by cold-calls that have cut through my peaceful day…

I’m walking in someone else’s shoes,
if I could sing I’d be singing the blues,
every-time someone speaks I say “What?”
I think I may have lost the plot.
But all is not lost I have to say,
because every morning could herald a better day
I hear the phone calling out to me,
just a cold call about electricity!
And I know not to be bereft,
it’s only temporary, I’ll not be long-term deaf.
In order to hear conversation I didn’t wanna-miss,
I self-medicated with a few cans of Guinness!
…it didn’t help!

May you enjoy a peaceful Bank-Holiday weekend but without ear-drops!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

Share

Holy Moly – It’s a Landmark!

Posted on by
Share

Desperately searching for a topic and photo this morning, both presented themselves by accident! The photo subject caught my eye on Saturday and was stored for later use and the topic caught my eye just now! This mornings post is dedicated to the hundreds of thousands who have read my offerings since February 2012…

Holy Moly,
Guacamole,

Look up with surprise
Fall off a log!
Today marks the seventeen-hundredth
Baldock Bard Blog!

Thank you for reading,
for being there,
have a great day!
You see – I care!

Have a great day and I’ll see you all tomorrow!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share

A Farmer’s May-time Fear!

Posted on by
Share

In early May a farmer’s mind tends to wander! It is time for mega-form-filling for the Rural Payments Agency in order to claim Basic Payment Scheme. Unfortunately it is rather complicated with Entitlements, Greening, Exemptions, EFA’s and Cross Compliance. These are all words that are guaranteed to strike fear into a farmer’s heart before 15thMay – deadline day…

Every year,
a farmer’s great fear,
is to make a mess,
of his BPS.
The mistake may be small,
but they risk losing all,
if the paperwork’s not away,
by the fifteenth of May.
It’s now all online,
which suits me just fine,
but I must be sure,
to lock my office door.
If I should escape,
and ignore the red tape,
please lock me back in,
and remove my large gin!

Later on I shall be taking a problem to the RPA Helpline. The one government helpline that is staffed by the most helpful people, they must be angels!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


 

Share

The May-Day Cowslip

Posted on by
Share

Using a ride-on mower on a lawn is a mixed blessing. While it is great to glide up and down the grass, it can be difficult to weave in and out of obstacles like hedges and flowerbeds. However one obstruction at this time of year is entirely worth the inconvenience (and un-mown patches of long grass!)…

There’s nothing quite like cowslips,
when they appear on your lawn,
you have to swerve the mower,
or in haste they’ll be shorn!
Their delicate strident yellow,
perfect contrast to the green,
the disruption’s always worth it,
for this annual April scene!

In years past the cowslip was used to decorate May-day head-dresses, Happy May the First!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

Share

Five Orphan Ducklings!

Posted on by
Share

On Saturday afternoon Mrs Bard spotted five ducklings, clinging to a log, floating down the river. While four looked like they would possibly make the perilous journey, the fifth looked all-in. Luckily the log bumped into our moored boat and I was able to rescue them with a fisherman’s net. Despite much searching, there was no sign of a mother-duck and as it became apparent that they were well away from home territory, a rescue operation was put into place…

Five orphan ducklings,
clinging to a log,
floating down the river,
there’s barking from a dog.
Five orphan ducklings,
floating on a raft,
there’s a farmer with a net,
his friends will think he’s daft!
Five orphan ducklings,
are now in the car,
twenty-four miles later,
safe and warm they are!
Five little ducklings,
are well-fed and alive,
will be on a farmer’s pond,
they’ll be safe and hopefully will thrive!
I know that I’ve gone soft, but the older I get, the less I care! Many thanks to Val for being such a wonderful surrogate mummy and providing them with a snuggly sock-warmer nest!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

Share