About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

A Farmer’s Straight Rows!

Posted on April 27, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Towards the end of every week from April to October I can be found in a 10 acre field on the outskirts of Baldock riding a small ride-on mower! If I had £1 for every time in the last 26 years where some wise joker has asked me what I was doing in such a large field with such a small mower I could retire to the West Indies! However it is an integral part of preparations for the Saturday car boot sales…

You grow more potatoes,
when the row isn’t straight,
I guess the same goes for containers,
and other types of freight!
But at a car boot sale,
if the lines are all obscure,
customers are unhappy,
and I end up ‘in manure!’
So every week,
between April and October,
I try to mow straight lines,
(have to do it when cold sober!)
They all say it’s easy,
to run a car boot sale,
but let me assure you,
there are many ways to fail!
…and one of them is crooked rows!!

Have a great weekend and if you’re mowing a lawn, enjoy keeping the rows straight!
If you’re anywhere near Baldock, come and have a look for yourself (details below!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
7am Every Saturday
until October 20th^thOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

April Showers

Posted on April 26, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we had the first proper April shower this year, only 25 days into the month! Before that we’ve had days of solid rain only. This was a shower of biblical proportions along with added hail and sudden gusts of wind…

April showers,
rain and hail,
there’s a Storm Warning,
was it in the Mail?
Last week sunshine,
warmer than the Med,
‘Phew! What a Scorcher!’
The headlines could have said!
Next week frost?
Could there be snow?
We’ll not be asking journalists,
because they simply do not know!

May today be a pleasant warm spring day with no surprises!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Bootsale starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20th^thOctober 2018
www.u-boot.co.uk
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD 

The Kayaking Couple!

Posted on April 25, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week while staying near the River Great Ouse in Cambridgeshire, I spotted a couple of intrepid explorers paddling down the river in a kayak. Oblivious to the dangerous rapids, waterfalls and treacherous bends, they seemed to be enjoying their trek…

Kayaking down the Yukon
on a Sunday afternoon,
they have shot ten rapids,
and had a packed lunch by noon,
soon they’ll have an ice cream,
from a mobile stall,
and only then they’ll admit,
they weren’t in the wilds at all!
They’ll porter to the car park,
then they’ll head for home,
a semi outside of Biggleswade,
from where they like to roam!

With apologies to the two who were enjoying a peaceful day’s paddling before they were spotted and written about!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Bootsale starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20th^thOctober 2018
www.u-boot.co.uk
It’s the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

The Trolley-Cam

Posted on April 24, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

While shopping over the weekend I came across a couple arguing. I wondered if such a thing as a Trolley-Cam existed, would people start putting ‘shocking shopping moments’ on Twitface rather like they do with motorway incidents now. I had invented ‘Trolley-Cam’ (in my mind). Then, on second thoughts I decided that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea…

I went shopping with my trolley-cam,
just in case I met an argumentative man,
down the aisles without any strife,
all of a sudden “You filming my wife?”
I tried to explain, as one should,
“of course not old chap, as if I would?”
“You’d better not” he said to I,
and with a fist he blacked my eye.
So the idea is a definite non-starter,
I’m too much a coward to make a good martyr!

Enjoy today and smile as you’re bound to be on camera somewhere! The Truman Show is here and now.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
7am Every Saturday until October
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD 

The Road-Mending Fairy!

Posted on April 19, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday was a lovely sunny and warm day. In fact it was just the sort of day to sit in a pub by the river with an ice-cold glass of beer! As I am lacking in any sort of common sense I chose the day to mend the pot-holes on the back drive leading to our industrial units…

Being stupid,
and devoid of common sense,
I chose the warmest April day,
to mend the roadway by the fence.
The back drive is now,
like an ‘effin motorway,
all the pot holes have disappeared,
the Road-Mending Fairy’s gone away!
He built up a thirst,
a few beers cannot quell,
and now he doesn’t care,
he’s legless (can’t you tell?)
So next time you see a pothole,
spare a thought for the guy,
who shovels in the filler,
under a furnace April sky!

Enjoy your day and may there be no potholes to give you a bumpy ride!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14^thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD 

Memories of a Gentle Man

Posted on April 18, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

I seem to have entered a phase in life where funerals comprehensibly out-weigh weddings, christenings and other celebrations! Yesterday, Mrs Bard and I went to say goodbye to a friends father, Roy. As I sat in the church watching people arrive, I wondered how they all fitted into the large jig-saw that was Roy’s life. Then I thought of how this ‘truly gentle-man’ fitted into ours…

Roy was a newspaper editor from the days when they were representative of the community they served and not just ‘swapsies’ for large faceless organisations. When our son was killed, it was to him we turned for help with writing the notice to be put into the newspapers. He sat in our kitchen and went through the word-options with such kindness and quiet helpfulness that the memory is vivid even some fifteen years later. When I delivered the eulogy for his daughter Sally’s funeral, he came up to me afterwards and paid me the greatest ever one-word compliment by simply saying ‘Thank you’, but in a way that conveyed a thousand unspoken words and emotions.
He had been a great amateur sportsman in his time and it was entirely fitting that we left the church to co to a ‘Cricket Tea’ afterwards.
The sun shone and the daffodils were in full bloom, how very appropriate.
Thank you Roy.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Showroom Display!

Posted on April 16, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I visited a local builders merchants to buy some paint and various odds and ends. Walking past the bathroom showroom it reminded me of a true story told to me by an embarrassed dad about losing his toddler son in such a place…

Mick took his young son,
to buy a tap,
nothing unusual,
you may think about that.
Told the checkout girl,
“I’m on childcare!”
looked around,
his boy wasn’t there.
Back around the store,
blaming himself,
including where taps,
were displayed on the shelf.
His sense of failure,
was not diminished,
until in the toilet display,
his son shouted “Finished!”

I hope you had a chuckle at this story and that it set you up for an enjoyable week! Thanks to grand-daughter Marsya for getting this story to light at the trade counter!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14^thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Winning Ways!

Posted on April 13, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Despite being plagued by sales calls, I seem to have enjoyed an immunity from nuisance texts. That was until yesterday when I had two, one to tell me that the bank account I don’t have has gone into overdraft, the other to say that the ‘new me’, Natasha, is eligible to win £13,000. I always suspected that one day I’d be a winner…

My name is now Natasha,
so this text does show,
are they hiding something from me,
that I ought to know?
Will I suddenly wear a skirt,
in order to claim the prize?
Or possibly there will be,
eye-shadow around my eyes!
I don’t think it will fool anyone,
they must have made a mistake,
there’s probably no prize money,
it’s just the p*** they take!

Here’s hoping you’re a winner today, have fun and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Hope for the Future!

Posted on April 12, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

Many of my generation take great pleasure in criticising the youth of today. They wear the phrase ‘…in my day’ as a badge of honour designed to suggest that youngsters of today have it easier, don’t work as hard and there is little hope for the future.
Yesterday I met a young lad who filled me with confidence about the future of agricultural engineering. Tom works for P. Tuckwell at Cromer in Herts, our local John Deere dealership and came to the farm to deliver and fit a battery to the mower. However, when was done, he spotted a mistake in fitting a belt that I had made and used incredible people skills, not only in pointing this out to a customer he’d never met before, but in such a way that didn’t make me feel incompetent or stupid, before helping me to rectify my mistake.
The confidence that I felt afterwards, in both him and his employer, shows that despite much having changed since ‘…in my day’, there are some very skilled young people out there and the future is looking bright, especially in agricultural engineering…

The skill of a young engineer,
from a dealer in this case John Deere,
to be able to spot,
when something looks right but is not,
and impress a grumpy old farmer,
deserves a beer!

Many thanks to Tom of Tuckwell’s and best wishes for the future and apologies for getting you to pose for the photo!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

April Downpours!

Posted on April 11, 2018 by The Baldock Bard.

I am struggling to remember such a wet start to April, even the rain gauge has held up the white flag of surrender. However, like a hangover, you know it’s not going to last or at least that’s what a bloke called Noah told me…

A lake has appeared that’s on no map,
it’s down to the weather to take the rap,
April showers are not to blame,
just constant enduring steady rain.
It seems to be the shape of a goat,
looks large enough to sail a boat!
But as in all things it’ll fade away
and be forgotten by this time in May!!

It’s time to replace those old comfy but holed wellies!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

A Farmer’s Straight Rows!

April Showers

The Kayaking Couple!

The Trolley-Cam

The Road-Mending Fairy!

Memories of a Gentle Man

The Showroom Display!

Winning Ways!

Hope for the Future!

April Downpours!