Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Breakfast Buffet!

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Many years ago in the far-off mists of time we used to rear turkeys for the Christmas market. Only one reminder of that time remains in the yard, a galvanized feeding trough which we now use to put out feed for our guard geese. However, as is the case with a free breakfast buffet, others make use of it too…

Saw a sight this morning,
made me splutter and cough,
two pheasants were standing,
in the geese’s trough!
Another was shouting,
“I think it’s very rude,
that you’re standing,
in someone else’s food!”
The cock pheasant said,
“I don’t think that I am,
and frankly my dear,
I don’t give a damn!”

Dedicated to anyone who may have been barged out of the way this morning at a hotel breakfast buffet! May the guilty suffer indigestion all morning!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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Pondering!

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We have a very old stone bench in the garden. It’s nothing special, but sometimes it catches the sun and being out of the wind, is a great place to ponder. Saturday was one of those rare April days when it was both dry and warm. I did some tidying up in the garden and then sat with two dogs to ponder…

I was pondering on the bench,
should I mow?
Should I risk it?
The two dogs sat with me,
all they wanted was a biscuit!

May you find time to ponder sometime during the hustle and bustle of you week

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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Walking Like a Reality Star!

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Yesterday I found myself in ‘School-mode’ forty-four years since I last sat behind a desk. I was sitting at my laptop, thinking empty thoughts and staring out of the window! In the distance a Canada goose walked towards the wood and just for a split second I had a vision of a famous reality-rear…

She twerks like a reality-star,
as she walks away,
her hips take on a life of their own,
as they begin to sway.
She always looks back,
to make sure we can see,
as if she’s teasing us:
“Look at me, look at me, look at me!”

…and then dazzled by her star quality, I grabbed the camera and headed towards the wood to capture a picture of her in all her glory!
I was duped and she was papped!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share

In Awe of Irish Poets!

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Recently I have been trying to write ‘better stuff’ by occasionally reading verse written by famous poets. I have sometimes enjoyed reading their words. Mostly I’ve been transported back to a dim and distant school day, where poetry was learned by rote and failure to recite was a cause for embarrassment and taunts in front of the whole school. However I’m still in awe of some Irish writers…

I wish that I were Irish,
a drunken poet I’d be,
write at night ‘with Guinness’
be feted by the BBC.
Schoolchildren would analyse,
every word that I did write,
whilst their teachers kept a secret,
(It was mainly shite!)

As you may be able to tell, this was written with help from quite a few cans from St James’s Gate, Dublin 8! Sláinte!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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No-Egg Easter!

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I am constantly amazed when meeting fellow diabetics. Many of them seem to only pay attention to their diets just before they are due an ‘all-seeing’ blood test. Having been told at the outset last May by a specialist: ‘if you don’t change your diet, the next time we meet I’ll cut off your legs’, was enough of an incentive for me (even with chocolate)…

My first Easter without chocolate,
since becoming diabetic last May,
all food has to be considered,
if well I’m going to stay.

My one big treat over Easter,
a mini hot cross bun,
I savoured every mouthful,
but only ate the one.

Of course I missed the chocolate,
untouched eggs on the shelf,
but the only one I’d have cheated,
would have been myself.

Before I’m accused of ‘Halo-polishing’ it must be remembered that my Type-2 was self-inflicted through my addiction to soft drinks and sweet things. Despite having a ‘bit-of-the-ex-smoker’ about me, I was left with little choice.
Have a great week and enjoy all that left over chocolate!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

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The Elusive Money Tree

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I had an old uncle who always used to say that he had spent his life looking for the Money Tree. He assured me that it was to be found in the least expected part of many farms and despite exhaustive searching he’d never managed to set eyes on it. However some farmers have been known to find that tree, it’s known as a ‘crop of chimneys’, otherwise known as planning permission…

Robert farmed his small holding,
he’d been there all his life,
Kath was born down the road,
over fifty years his wife.
Now they and their farm are gone,
a crop of chimneys there instead,
they never found a money tree,
was too late now they’re dead.

But all is not lost you know,
don’t view this with alarm,
children now grow up and play,
on what was once their farm.

Baldock is expanding and will soon have grown to be unrecognisable. We cannot just look at the downside as there will be homes for many families of the future. Times they are a-changing.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Shooting a Squirrel (with camera!)

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When I was young I was keen on shooting. I started with an air-gun on the multitudes of sparrows and starlings that used to guzzle the expensive pig food, moved on to a shotgun against pigeons that were guzzling the oil-seed rape plants and onto pheasants for the pot. As I grew older my aim grew more haphazard until I was even missing barn doors! The last time I fired a gun in anger didn’t go well and so I now confine myself to ‘safe shooting’ with a camera…

There was a squirrel eating oats in the shed,
that I’d put out for birds instead,
I thought I’d go fetch my gun and see,
I remembered last time – ‘stupid me’:

I’d poked the gun out from the window,
lined up the animal (not a flamingo!),
pulled the trigger to shoot it dead,
and shot the gutter downpipe instead!
The next time it came to rain
downpipe like a colander – not the same!

So having learned an expensive lesson,
I took a picture of the delicatessen,
leaving the gun safely locked away,
and the gutter to live for another day!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The First Cut Of Spring!

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In past years I’ve always made the mistake of leaving the first cut of our grass too late with the result that the first cut has been hard work for the mower. Yesterday I went to get the mower out of the shed having forgotten that I’d manually pushed it in there last Autumn when it broke. Coming from the ‘bodge-it-and-pray’ school of engineering, I effected a temporary repair…

This farmer went to mend,
his mower in the shed,
He’d had all winter to mend it,
or that’s what his wife said!
First it wouldn’t start,
then it wouldn’t run,
the farmer scratched his head,
“This will not be fun!”
The drive belt was so frayed,
the blades they were worn,
another belt was so old,
it was there when he was born!
The easy belts replaced,
just so it would go,
started it with jump leads,
and off he went to mow!
His fingers crossed it did the job,
it could have been despair,
ask him where the mower’s gone now,
to the dealer for repair!

I should have been a Boy Scout then I’d always be prepared!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Naughtiest Dog…

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Like many farmhouses, ours has a large garden. It is surrounded by an agricultural-style fence to keep rabbits out and dogs in. However unlike most farmhouses, ours is home to the Naughtiest Dog in the Whole Wide World…

We let our terrier out of the door,
a call of nature was needed,
a muntjac deer strolled across the lawn,
“Come back here!” we pleaded.
They chased all around the garden,
at last the terrier tired,
the muntjac cleared the four-foot fence,
and the naughty dog retired.
Now it is down to the lead of shame,
so the episode isn’t repeated,
I do so hope the muntjac,
has back to the wood retreated.

Why is it that the smallest dog we have ever owned is the most disobedient?
I had to apologise to the person on the end of the phone as she suffered an ‘Anneka Rice’ moment as I ran down the garden swearing at the dog!
(We love her really although she can be tiring!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Charlie Comes To Visit!

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Have you ever revisited an old haunt or workplace and been disappointed? I can remember driving past my old primary school and thinking how small and insignificant the playground looked fifty years later! Return visits to former places of work can dredge up all sorts of memories that one would rather forget. Thankfully there are exceptions to the rule and yesterday my theory was well and truly disproved…

Charlie worked as our student,
I think it was ’91,
and although I was his young boss,
we seemed to have such fun!

He came to stay this week,
with wife, 9 and 7 and 5,
it was as if he’d not been away,
when he drove down the drive.

I guess that’s the mark of friendship,
that those years seemed just days,
It’s a shame they live in New Zealand,
in so many different ways!

While reminiscing I forgot to tell him one story from those years: We had a group of sixth-formers visit the farm (in those distant days before Health and Safety kicked in). After a tour discussing farming, grain mountains and Europe, they got to try their hand at driving a tractor and 4×4 on a grass field. Last summer I was approached in the town by a woman with three children, she asked: “Are you the farmer?” I relied that I was a farmer! She said “I came to visit your farm many years ago and a very nice lad showed me how to drive a tractor and I’ve never forgotten that day!” So there you go Charlie, you made an impression then as you continue to do now.
I won’t spoil the story by telling everyone that you drove the Land Rover (see above) into a tree just before the school visit! BB 

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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