Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Indestructible Toy!

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While yesterday I was unsure of what to write, this morning the topic faced me when I got down to the kitchen. A so-called indestructible toy lay paunched on the floor by the Aga and two guilty terriers hardly dared look at me! Looks like pocket money will be short for a while…

“We didn’t do it, honest,
it was like this when we woke,
I looked at her, she looked at me,
she said ‘fancy that, it broke!‘”

I went to fetch the broom,
which they chased around the floor,
when I finally managed to sweep it up,
they looked at me and said “More!”

Have a good day and remember that if a dog toy says ‘Indestructable’, that is simply a challenge for your dog not a promise!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Bride’s Verse!

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Every morning when I get up at around 7am, I wonder how I’m going to fill the blank computer screen for my daily blog. Mostly it depends what has happened the day before, or what is about to happen or what photo I can find. As I blunder down the stairs my mind is desperately searching for a topic. This morning it was blank until it remembered a dream and at the same time my phone went ‘ping!’. About fifteen minutes later (my daily time limit) the job is done, all thanks to a future bride…

I have a strange imagination,
which when asleep causes consternation.
I have these dreams almost always weird,
I woke up this morning – barmy I feared.
I stumbled downstairs grabbed a mug,
carton of milk (you notice no jug!).
Started to think about what to write,
remembered my dream overnight!
I’ve been asked if I’d chauffeur a bride,
On her wedding day – a tractor ride!
In my dream there was deep snow,
(highly unusual for July I know!)
Then to make my morning weird,
a message on my phone appeared:
I nearly choked on my tea,
the very same bride a friend request for me!
So thank-you Emma for my daily verse,
there won’t be snow or anything worse,
I’ll clean out the cab for your tractor ride,
and all will be perfect when you’re a bride!

Emma is a nurse so I may be asking for stronger medication!
(She is also special as she was born on the farm and was a wonderful nurse at a time when we most needed help).
Have a good day and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Revenge of the Punt Gun!

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A punt gun is a spectacular piece of armament. It was made to attach to a small canoe-type boat which when fired was akin to putting an outboard engine into reverse at full throttle. It was particularly popular in the sparsely populated East Anglian Fens…

I was chatting to a neighbour on Tuesday,
who said he’d held a punt gun,
he showed me a photo of him holding it,
I agreed it looked kind of fun!
Later I drove up the high street,
a ‘Yoof’ cut me up at the lights,
proceeded to give me the finger,
and suggested he knew all his rights!
I imagined I’d mounted the punt gun,
behind my Mitsubishi grill,
pulled the trigger and blasted him,
and his poxy car right up the hill!

…and they say size isn’t everything!
Thank you David for the inspiration

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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An Outbreak of Cones!

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Last night when I went to bed, I noticed something odd about the doorway to my Granddaughter’s bedroom. Looking rather like the approach to roadworks on the M1 motorway, the whole carriageway was coned off…

We have a no-go area upstairs,
it’s called Grand-daughter’s room,
the cones are there for all to see,
‘No Entry’ for us I presume.
What lies beyond the barrier?
What secrets does the room contain?
We haven’t dare enter for over a week,
a bedroom entry refrain!
We’ve been searching for someone brave,
a knight on horseback would do,
a man in high-vis from top to toe,
or a motorway maintenance crew!

Have a great day and avoid those roadworks if you can!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

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Predictive Text

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One of the great problems when you have the attention span of a gnat and thoughts are coming thick and fast is predictive text. My spelling, on the whole, isn’t too bad, it’s meaning that gets lost when technology takes over…

I hate predictive tusks,
particularly when in a Harry,
I find it irrigating,
I suppose I shouldn’t worry!

I guess it helps with smelling,
if you nose not what to say,
I guess I’ll tell the Ruth
Or you may suspect fowl play!

Have a grate Munday and teak kare!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Threatened and Mugged!

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Yesterday morning I was threatened and mugged as I walked to work. The assailants, all white, weren’t after my mobile, fancy trainers or cash, but after wheat! Spring is definitely in the air as they are getting more boisterous by the day…

“Stand and Deliver!”
the geese all shout,
“Put down that phone,
and get the wheat out!”

“Don’t hesitate,
or try nothing funny,
we just want some wheat,
to help fill our tummy!”

I went to the hopper,
and scooped out some food,
They then honked some more,
(I think it was rude!)

If you find yourself mugged by a bird today, just give in as quickly as possible and walk on, you know it makes sense! Just in case you think I’m the only sucker on the block, Val is regularly mugged too! Take care out there – the farmyard is a dangerous place!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Caution Men

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The other day while halving a bit of a clear-out in the farm workshop, we came across an old and unusual sign. It seemed out of place in this modern world, so in the bin it went, however not before it had made me think…

‘Caution Men Working,’
so said the sign,
it had lain behind a cupboard,
for quite some time.

Having lived with a mother,
Who worked as hard as a man,
I’ve no gender bias,
No male domination plan.

So let’s hear it for workers,
whatever their gender,
and put the sign in the bin,
An out of date, offender!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Demo!

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Yesterday I was chopping some wood when some visitors to the farm walked by to see what I was doing. I explained that the machine on the back of the tractor had a worm that bored into the wood and it split, “Just like this…”

I threw the small axe over my shoulder,
“Won’t need that!” I said getting bolder,
I put the large log onto the splitter,
“The downside is – I don’t get fitter!”
The worm bored into the trunk of the tree,
I struggled to hold it in line with my knee,
Then all of a sudden with a relieved laugh,
The tree trunk cracked and split in half!

When they had gone the next three logs were excessively difficult and I realised then that a demonstrators job is never quite as easy as it looks!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Hoisting a Bishop!

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Thieves stole some of the copper roof from our little village church in 2016. In 2017 they returned for the rest. Thanks to the remarkable generosity of donors, the roof has been replaced with stainless steel. On Sunday the Bishop of Hertford came to bless the roof. As he wasn’t tall enough to reach the roof unaided, my JCB Loadall and cage were requested. This lead to some very amusing conversations with my insurance agents, the Royston branch of the NFU…

“You want to hoist a bishop in a cage?”

I pretended:
“It’s what farmers do, it’s all the rage!”

“It started when a friend had a broken tile,
then it escalated, it took a while.
Then somebody took the copper roof from the church,
I hoisted the vicar to a lofty perch!
Like in chess, a bishop, the very next stage,
Ultimate aim: ‘Archbishop in the cage!’”

Some may wonder why I didn’t ask the Pope,
I presumed the answer would have been ‘nope!’

With thanks to all, particularly my long-suffering insurers. Also to the Bishop of Hertford and Nick Lyness who both simply smiled and waved from a great height! Of course none of this would have been possible without the support of Clothall’s vicar, Fiona Wheatley, who declined to travel as ‘I’ve been up before!’, where she goes – others follow!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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