Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Shredding!

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According to media reports we should all be more concerned about identity theft. No longer should we put old bank statements, addressed envelopes or scraps of paper with user names and passwords in the bin, but should ‘destroy’ all such items. However in my new ‘Green Era’ this has led to a problem as my old solution now leads me to shake and sweat with fear…

I used to light a bonfire,
and burn all paperwork,
to avoid my identity,
being stolen from my work!
Now I have a shredder,
a shiny ‘post-box’ slot,
but ‘You must use it carefully’,
(one warning I forgot!)
So enthusiastic was my shredding,
(this admission really hard)
left with an expired piece of plastic,
having shredded my new bank card!

What shredder hath torn apart, no person can join together!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Farmers Gone Green!

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The other day a visitor to the farm looked at the large heap of used one-ton fertilizer bags in the shed and asked whether I had a very large dustbin! I explained that once a year those nice people from re-cycling firm Kelshall Plastics come to take them away…

Many years ago
in the days when
‘Going Green’
meant going to look at crops,
we’d go fertilizer spreading,
with 50kg bags
which we loaded by hand
into the spreader.
As for getting rid of the bags
we were armed with a disposal system:
It fitted neatly in a pocket,
and was called a box of matches.
In later years
when the bags
became much larger
we used a JCB Loadall
to lift the bags
and matches were banned
as we were now
“Gone Green!’
So once a year,
we load the bags onto a truck
and off they go
to be recycled
into something more useful
than a small bonfire
at the side of the field.
© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Goose Down!

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The guard geese who patrol our farmyard have suffered a fatality. One of their ranks has gone on permanent AWOL. It is strange that they are something we see and hear every day, yet it was immediately apparent that their numbers had been reduced by one…

Goose number 13,
has run out of luck.
not a lucky number,
if you’re goose, human or duck!

Into the cause of death,
I had no wish to delve,
just went out one morning,
and only counted twelve.

No need for a casket,
or even a box,
just a pile of feathers left,
after feeding a local fox.

So there is now one less,
patrolling up the yard,
“Intruder Red Alert –
Call out the guard!”

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Trap!

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I have been attempting the annual migration of unwanted paperwork from my office to the recycling bonfire. Once I could see the floor I stood back and admired phase one. Mrs Bard however was less impressed when later on she came face to face with an unwanted lodger…

I’ve got a mouse in my office,
I put a trap on the floor,
baited it with some chocolate,
and then I slammed shut the door,

This morning I expected success,
but the chocolate had gone,
a note suggested different bait,
signed from ‘Squeaky Mate – Ron!’

I was tempted to add some Marmite,
but peanut butter some say is best,
I’ll let you know of the outcome,
and which bait I find beats the rest!

Apparently 85% Cocoa chocolate is too good for squeakers and they prefer ordinary Milk Chocolate (or similar!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Aussie ‘Flu!

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Since Christmas I have been feeling unwell and recovery has been slow. At first I suspected that old adversary, Man Flu. However having read certain media outlets, I am now in a position to positively self-diagnose – It was Aussie Flu…

I’ve been laid low with Aussie Flu,
temperature leaping like a kangaroo,
food I yearned was from a barbie,
all I could taste was wasabi!
Beer from a tinnie I could sink,
a thirst like Bondi beach I think.
The bugs now gone I won’t forget
back down under on a Quantas jet!

If you are feeling under the weather, I hope you’re back to 100% soon.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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January ‘Flu!

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For some days now, along apparently with a cast of many thousands, I am responsible for putting the NHS under ‘intolerable strain’. Quite how certain sections of the media can say this when the NHS hasn’t been notified of my ailment, I’m not sure. Perhaps they are supposed to know through magical ways or the bugs in my system are reporting back!

I’ve had this bad affliction,
for a number of days,
my nose has run the marathon,
in a thousand ways!

With a throat that feels like sandpaper,
along with a ticklish cough,
too week to even consider,
that I could work it off!

I know if I were female,
with so much I should do,
I’d have no excuse at all,
wouldn’t get this ‘Old Man-Flu’!

If you too are suffering you have my utmost sympathy. Hope you’re back on full power soon!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Stormy Days!

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Since someone started naming not only hurricanes and tropical storms, but windy days here in the UK as well, we seem to been having more winter storms. This is music to the ears of all Climate Change enthusiasts and the Leave/Stay bores (it must somehow be the fault of Brussels). So todays storm is Eleanor and tomorrow’s starts with an ‘F’, any wind-themed ideas?…

“It’s another windy storm!”
The hysterical media shouts,
(it’s not climate change,
but left-over Brussels Sprouts).

Hang onto your hat and umbrella! Stay safe and smile out there, it’s not the end… yet!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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A New Year!

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There was a very famous poem written, even before I was born, that dealt with the turning of a new year. As a child, I was often quoted the first line of ‘The Gate of the Year’ by Minnie Louise Haskins (1875-1957) but had forgotten why it was deemed to be so special by the older generation. It was used by King George VI in his Christmas Day broadcast of 1939 as the country slid into the uncertainty of the Second World War. This January may (or may not), be judged in hindsight to be uncertain times, we shall just have to wait and see…

I spoke to the man who stood at the gate,
at the entrance to a brand new year,
“Can you take a look,
in that rather large book,
and tell me what you see appear?”

He mentioned some dates,
some financial rates,
some states, cities and towns,
some footballers names,
some half-decent games,
and academics dressed in gowns!
I sneaked a look over his shoulder,
my heart immediately sank,
no prophecys nor hint of disease,
every single page was blank!

Wishing you all a very happy and healthy New Year.
With apologies and thanks to Minnie Louise Haskins

 

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The Fourth Wise Man!

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Some years ago I entered a worldwide writing competition and was amongst the winners. My entry was published in the States and then gathered dust on a stored file on my backup disk. While doing some file clearing recently I rediscovered it. The only competition rule was that the story could contain exactly 55 words, no more, no less. So here it is, as my gift to you this Christmas…

The Lost Gift
The Wise Men had followed the star for many days.
They were a congenial group who, apart from one, discussed many important topics as they traveled.
The Fourth Wise Man, being never wrong, turned left into the desert, and it was nearly two thousand years before the world rediscovered plastic.

NB As we all know there is no recorded mention of a fourth Wise Man, so the part of the fourth Wise Man in the above photo is played by an angel!
Happy Christmas Everyone!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Nativity Goat!

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I’m going to be in trouble with my granddaughter. In her nativity-based and chocolate-free Advent calendar, I have added a guest. Having been an angel in her primary school’s nativity the other day, she now knows pretty much all there is to know about the scene and any attempt by me to alter the participants is swiftly shot down in flames…

There must have been a goat in the stable,
along with the sheep and the cows,
but theologians have ignored it,
not given the ‘What Why and Hows!’
So lets hear it for the Christmas goat,
he’s been left out for far to long,
and add him to the animals,
celebrated in nativity song!

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christmas and festive season. Stay safe and happy. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

 

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