Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Not Man-Flu!

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Nearly everyone I’ve met in the last week seems to have had a nasty cold. Some have had flu and some just feel under the weather. I suppose it serves me right for mocking the afflicted but yesterday I sniffled my way through an important meeting…

There’s a vicious lurgy,
that’s doing the rounds,
where did it come from?
Certainly fertile grounds!

It’s not because I missed the jab,
or because I’m very old,
judging by the sneezing,
looks like I’ve got a cold!

May you stay germ-free
I hope it doesn’t strike you,
from my perspective,
it’s worse that any man-flu!

Here’s hoping you stay healthy, wealthy and wise!

© Baldock Bard 2019
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard


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The Empty Glass!

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Since before Christmas I have written no verse. There are those who have wondered if I have been hiding on a small private island in the Caribbean without means of communication. Others have wondered if my fingers have frozen up in old age and I’m no longer able to use a keypad. The truth is that I took a sabbatical from Barding and enjoyed not having to worry about what to write! So welcome back to my 1,795th verse…

“Would seem my glass is empty,
been empty for some time,
would you be so kind as to fill it,
from the nearest bottle of wine?
What kind of host are you,
leave their guest’s glasses dry?
and while you pass the bottle,
I’ll have another small mince pie!”

With very best wishes for the New Year

© Baldock Bard 2019
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
RETURNS AFTER 27 YEARS!
First Saturday after Easter 2019
Buyers will still Park and Enter FREE!

www.u-boot.co.uk It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Premier Ploughman

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I have to admit that the one skill I always lacked on the farm was ploughing. My rather feeble excuse is that when I was training and during my early years in the industry, ploughing had fallen out of fashion and had been replaced by stubble burning and cultivators! However this doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the skill shown by others…

Laurence is ploughing Hornbeam Field,
He spots the drone, he’s not thrilled!
He thinks that it’s been sent out to spy,
‘just want a good picture – that’s all’ says I.
His ploughing is straight – gun-barrel true,
quite an achievement on this field to do,
from clay to loam then back to clay,
it would make good pottery any day!

So all I can say in defence to he;
“You’re a far better ploughman than I’d ever be!” 

Have a great day and whatever your skill, enjoy it!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard


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When the answer is chips…

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Recently I did some tree trimming with son-in-law John. He is a wiz with a chainsaw and I hoisted him up in the cage on the front of the JCB Loadall to cut some low-hanging branches. My father planted these trees, hoping to make a fortune, but alas he didn’t anticipate the decline of the humble match! Job done, I stood back looking at the mess we’d made and not looking forward to clearing up…

John’s in the cage,
taking branches down,
buzz, buzz, buzz,
they’re falling to the ground!

We’ve made a mess,
all over the track,
how are we going to clear it,
so we can make our way back?

I’d never used a chipper,
no idea what it could do,
but in a short while,
it had returned the view!


Have a great weekend and don’t forget to have chips with it!

 © Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Hot Wires!

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Yesterday I wanted to check out how close some trees were to the power cables in a field. Firstly I used my eyesight, which has never been that great at judging distances! Then I had an idea and fetched my drone from the car…

Flying close to electric wire,
just like playing with fire!
but I had to have a a go,
not just for the picture you know.

I was dismayed to see,
the wires so close to a tree,
I won’t get the saw out,
but give the power company a shout!

…I was soon on the phone,
all thanks to my faithful drone!

I apologise for the poor quality of today’s verse, but it seemed a shame to waste such a good picture! Have a great day and stay away from the wires.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Slow You Down!

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Mrs Bard and I have just returned from a short break in Norfolk on the East Coast. It is said that anything that outsiders find strange is ‘NFN’ or ‘Normal for Norfolk’! It is very rural and farming still plays a large part in the economy. I’ve always found the natives to be friendly and far from being slow (despite some alternative road signs)…

Slow you down!
before the bend,
or your journey,
may sudden end!
Muddy roads,
a village (sweet),
what’s in the road?
Only sugar beet!

Have a great day and find some time to ‘Slow You Down!’

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Matt’s Man Flu!

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Yesterday I saw a friend who was not well. Matt is a big guy and to see him laid low by something so iniquitous was not a pretty sight. Being a sympathetic person, I had to record his suffering with a photo! Then I had an urge to write about him to complete his misery…

“I’m boiling cold,
and freezing hot,
I think it’s man flu,
that I’ve got!”

“Do you feed a cold,
or starve the flu?
I’ll give it beer,
that’s what I’ll do!”

“When I’m asked,
‘Why not in bed?’
I will say:
‘Hangover’ instead!”

Wishing ‘Big Matt’ a very speedy recovery!
Have a great day and keep away from germs!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
RETURNS AFTER 27 YEARS!
First Saturday after Easter 2019
Buyers will still Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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The Giant Chef!

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Flying my drone recently I happened to overfly some trees on my way back to the launch site. On reviewing my photos later, some of the trees looked very different from above and so I took off again to go and investigate further…

A giant chef has dipped,
some of our trees in turmeric,
then shaken off the excess,
in an attempt to humour it.

Will he now fry them?
I’m not sure if he can,
but one thing I know,
it would take one enormous pan!

Never in the field of rhyming verse have so many liberties been taken in so few lines!
Have a great day and I hope your endeavours turn out better!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

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The Two Terriers!

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We share our house two terriers, Mati and Mali (pictured at table above!). Living with two dogs can be hard work. So long as you understand that you are in their home for one purpose and that is to provide for them and do as instructed, there will be no problems! Our two even let us go out on our own sometimes un-chaperoned. However there is always a price to pay…

We share our house with two dogs,
they have a say in what we do!
We are ‘their humans’ at beck and call,
I’m afraid it’s true.
Sometimes they treat us very well,
so long as we comply,
at other times they ignore us,
no matter how hard we try!
I wouldn’t want to disturb them,
in the mornings I wouldn’t risk it,
but to get their attention at any time,
I just have to whisper “biscuit!”

Have a good day, and if you have a dog in your life: ‘woof, woof grrrr!”

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Photogenic Swan!

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There are some photo opportunities that just happen, but only for a split second. Last Sunday evening, while relaxing by the river, watching the sun go down and getting outside a can of Guinness, such a photo presented itself. I grabbed my trusty i-Phone and here is the result…

Sunday evening,
nursing a glass of beer,
looking at the river,
when a swan did appear.
I thought it was unlikely,
a picture I could take,
the sun was in my eyes,
a decision I had to make!
Snap, snap, snap, snap,
blindly I pressed the button,
on the small phone screen,
(for suspense I am a glutton!)
When at last I saw it,
on a computer screen,
I had to admit,
one of the best I’ve ever seen!

A very lucky shot!
(or rather not bad for a ‘Point and Squirt Merchant!’)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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