Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

No Longer Horses!

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There is a trend these days for people to convert anything to living accommodation, including sheds and outhouses and anything that moves. There is a also a growing trend to live ‘off-grid’ ignoring modern conveniences we take for granted. Recently I saw a great example of this trend and liked the owners sense of humour and nod to a previous use…

This lorry carried horses,
but it does no more,
it is someones home,
their roof and their floor.
Inside it is luxurious,
with all the ‘mods and cons’
no longer carting equines,
now a human’s environs!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Dog Toy!

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On Saturday we took my elderly father for tea to a local garden centre. On our way out through the shop we passed a display of Dog toys. Feeling particularly guilty as we have left our two dogs home-alone for more than we’d like over the past few days, I sucomed to temptation and bought them a fabric duck…

Behind our sofa,
there’s a dead duck,
just two days old,
didn’t have much luck!
One dog pulled the head,
the other grabbed the tail,
I knew in the end,
that a seam would fail!
I’ve seen ‘indestructible’
on these toys before,
now a ton of kapok,
is scattered around the floor!

Butter Wouldn’t Melt… Innocent of all charges!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Synchronised Sleeping!

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Our guard-geese are very clever at synchronised sleeping, to the casual observer it may seem ok to creep past them, however the slightest snap of a twig or clack of a stone and they are up-and-at-em! Most mornings they chase me (or anyone else who knows what they want!) down the yard and we have to admit to being mugged again…

The geese are synchronized sleeping,
they’ve got no work to do,
they’ve been on duty all night long,
the over-night security crew!
All of a sudden they start honking,
they chase me – their wings drum a beat,
it may seem like they’re angry,
but they after their breakfast of wheat!

If you’re caught sleeping on the job, just tell the boss you were resting your eyes whilst thinking about the work in front of you!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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No Words!

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Yesterday I flew my trusty Mavic Pro drone in the village churchyard to check on the progress of the new roof (replacing the copper that thieves stole). By mistake I pressed the wrong button and swung the camera up into the sky capturing a breathtaking view. There are no words to describe the result, so I shall not spoil it.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Old-Timers Tour!

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Yesterday I picked up a flyer in Baldock. Later, wondering why I had, I realised that I was shocked and surprised because I had assumed that all the names on the flyer were, by now, on harping duty. All those mentioned on the flyer must be at least in their seventies, and ignoring retirement and touring instead! Sadly I was four days late for their local gig…

Gerry’s got a pacemaker,
he’ll now Never Walk Alone,
He’ll Ferry Across The Mersey,
To a retirement home!

The Searchers all need glasses,
can’t find their Sweet For My Sweet,
when You Walk In The Room,
Have Needles And Pins in their feet!

When the Tremeloes Twist And Shout,
Even The Bad Times Are Good,
but Silence Is Golden,
Hearing aids? You really should!

When Vanity Fare,
Live for the Sun,
Love Affair’s
Everlasting Love – For everyone!

Have a great day, this just proves that age is no barrier to just getting up and doing your thing! It’s a shame that this is only my 1612th posting and not my 1960th!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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One Man Went To Mow…!

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I watched a man giving a lawn its final cut of the season. He seemed happy in his work and his work was military-straight. His dog however was intent on ruining his concentration by purposely dropping a tennis ball in front of the mower forcing him to stop, pick up the ball and throw it for her…

One man went to mow,
went to mow a lawn,
used a Hayter 46,
(they call it mower porn!)

Running alongside of him,
his little companion Rosey,
she carries a ball in her mouth,
grass-cuttings in her toes-ey!

One man went to mow,
his mowing is all done,
he’s now off home to have his tea,
and Rosey’s just had fun!

If you’re mowing a lawn today, don’t forget to keep the lines straight and hide any tennis balls before you start!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The First Driving Lesson!

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Can you remember your first driving lesson? Driving through Baldock the other day I came across a sign of a possible new career for me post-tillage. This prompted me to recall the embarrassment of my first lesson on ‘L’ plates many years ago…

At the age of twelve my Godmother said,
“I’ll get you an old car to keep in the shed,
to drive around the fields on the farm,
so when you start driving you don’t cause alarm!”

Five years later I had my first lesson,
a frightened look was the instructor’s expression,
“You just show what you can do,
And then I’ll start afresh with you!”

I revved the engine and slipped the clutch,
didn’t think the tyres squealed that much!
All at once the dual controls activated,
0/10 my skills were rated!

In an instant I felt a fool
And realised that I knew nothing at all
The instructor lived to drive another day
Unfortunately his hair had turned mostly grey!

Have a great Monday and drive with care!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Seasonal Snacks!

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If there is one event that marks the end of the car boot season for me more than Saturday morning lie-ins, no mowing of parking strips and no printing of signs and tickets, it is the in-store appearance of two seasonal favourites. However since being diagnosed with self-inflicted diabetes in May, Twiglets and Cheeselets have been off the menu…

My two old friends are back again,
but they’re not for me, such a pain!
I daren’t even crack open a lid,
I’d be such a fool if I did,
so I look away and walk by,
we’re now divorced ‘Cheeselets Goodbye!’

But I’m not stopping you, go on, you know you can’t resist them!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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A Miracle Happened Here!

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You can never be sure what you’ll find on the side of country roads these days. Farmer’s gateways with piles of garden waste, not a mile from a re-cycling facility or truck-loads of builders rubble abandoned on the sly. However sometimes you can be surprised, Mrs Bard spotted something on the side of a local country road that made us wonder if a biblical miracle had happened…

Driving along a country road with my Peggy Sue,
the music coming from Radio Two!
She suddenly announced to my surprise:
“I’m fed up with glasses, Damn these eyes!”
Out of the window as a gateway passes,
she threw her new expensive glasses!
As for her actions I didn’t think much,
until on the verge I spied a crutch!
“Peggy Sue, it seems to appear,
that biblical miracles happen around here!” 

Wishing you all a minor miracle of your own today!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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Mr Shovel’s Retirement!

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Yesterday afternoon just before 3pm, Mr Shovel announced his retirement from grain shifting on the farm. Unfortunately Miss Broom who worked alongside him chose the same moment to hand in her notice. Apparently they have been an item for some time and with the prospect of no more grain handling are moving to a retirement complex near Wisbech…

Mr Fred Shovel and Miss Suzy Brush,
have retired their services in rather a rush!
They cleared the barn floor of beans,
not as easy as it seems,
once the load was on the lorry,
they downed-tools no hint of “Sorry!”
caught the coach from outside town,
shouted “we will never see you around!”
and as they left a kiss did linger,
looked out of the window gave me the finger!
As I closed the empty shed,
no more crops, no more Fred!
No more sweeping a dusty barn,
with Suzy Brush on my arm!
As Harvey Harrison drove away,
I realised tomorrow is another day!
With grateful thanks to L&H Transport who have carted my crops for over thirty years and have never seemed to tire of carting from a grumpy old farmer!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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