Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Problem with Lowest Cost Airlines!

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Taking into account problems with low-cost airlines recently, two resourceful sellers at the car boot sales decided to give DIY flight a try. The take-off area was cleared of stalls, children and animals, the local airport control tower was informed and the two intrepid flyers prepared for take-off…

“We’d like to go to Portugal,
but anywhere will do,
so long as the wind doesn’t change
and we end up in Peru!
Are you prepared for take-off?
have you stashed the duty-free?
I can feel the ground is moving,
is that power lines I can see?”
Just then a mighty gust of wind,
(pre-flight checks complete)
and the tarpaulin took off without them,
All they could shout was “SHEET!”

With grateful thanks to Team Fairfield for their humour and joy!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The Zero-Emission Hedgetrimmer!

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I love new technology and am fond of toys! Since I became involved in drones I have been amazed at the development of battery power. Many say I’m a sad-o for lusting after a Tesla car, but with more than a little sense of surprise I realised that I have slowly become green. This is a great shock to friends who saw me as a V8 farmer with dreams of twin-turbo’s feeding vast exhausts. The next step will have to be solar/wind-power to charge all my purchases…

A large long box was delivered yesterday,
an early Christmas present fell off Santa’s sleigh!
Not a chainsaw or even a new strimmer,
but a zero emissions battery-powered trimmer.
I opened the box excited almost had to shout,
dashed out of the house to try the hedge-cutter out!
My trimmed topiary will be the neatest you have seen,
locals will also comment “There goes Farmer Green!”

Have a great day and make sure your batteries are fully charged for a wonderful week ahead!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Last Bootsale!

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It is not yet 5am on a Saturday morning and I am preparing to leave the warm kitchen to go down and open up the car boot sale for the last time this season. Some may view this with a tinge of sadness, however I can’t believe that I’ve been doing them for so long! Over 40,500 sellers and an estimated 800,000 buyers have visited over the years and we’ve held over 650 sales! Hey Ho! Hey Ho! It’s off to the Bootsale I go…

They’re queuing in the dark at the bootsale,
eager to get in and sell,
hoping that the weather will hold out,
and that they will do well.
The buyers are still asleep,
tucked up in comfy warm beds,
but in cars and vans in the farmer’s field,
treasure from garages and sheds!
Around the bootsale this morning,
the end of out twenty-fifth season,
“Happy Christmas” will be the greeting,
and friendliness will be the reason!
May I be the first to wish you all Happy Christmas (only 72 days early!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

LAST SATURDAY MORNING THIS SEASON!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Fortune In Your Sofa!

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23:59hrs on Sunday 15th of October is the last day you can use the old pound coins in shops before they become worthless pieces of metal. About one in 30 of these coins in circulation is counterfeit. However it is estimated that over £400m-worth of these coins are still in circulation, that’s a lot of coins down the back of someone’s sofa…

There’s a fortune in pound coins,
down the back of your settee,
420 million golden pieces,
should be easy to find and see!
Every time someone’s sat,
in comfort in your house,
the settee has collected a charge,
squirrelled it away like a mouse!
So check all your furniture,
before Sunday’s last deadline,
and if you find those millions,
you know that they are mine!

Happy searching amongst the crumbs, sweet papers and general sofa-detritus! You never know what you may find!
Have a very Happy Friday!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Exercising Johns Pet!

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Yesterday my son in law, John, took his trusty chainsaw for some exercise in the churchyard. It screamed with delight as it sunk its teeth into a dead flowering cherry tree and positively screamed with pleasure as it cut up three dead elm trees. As the unskilled labourer I was in charge of loading the brushwood into the Loadall bucket for disposal…

John’s chainsaw yells with utter delight,
as out of a tree-trunk it takes a bite.
Dressed for protection John looks a pro,
being unqualified I decline a go.
Trees fall here and trees fall there,
expertly felled miss graves by a hair,
all too soon it’s time to go home,
leaving churchyard occupants in peace on their own.

If you’re thinking of exercising your chainsaw today, make sure it’s got sharp teeth!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Mountainous Echo!

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The last of the oats went yesterday and there are just two lorry-loads of beans left. It seems strange that it was only on Sunday that the barn echoed to singing and yet in just two days there is a bigger echo than Julie Andrews found from the mountain-top in the Sound of Music…

There’s a cavern-like echo,
in our storage barn,
The oats are all gone,
By lorry from the farm,
Apart from some sweepings,
I’ve kept for the geese,
their equivalent of a Pernod,
on the seafront in Nice!

Two lorry-loads of beans,
Are to go to Kings Lynn,
nothing in the grain store,
nothing left in a bin.
That’s it for harvest,
the last that I’ll do,
In future I’ll observe,
from a deckchair like you!

I will also be able to retire the sweeping brush and grain shovel, they seem to have been my constant companions just lately. I will hardly miss them!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Out-Barded in the Barn!

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Last Sunday the village church relocated to our barn for the Harvest Festival. About seventy people came to celebrate harvest, sing the old favorites and have lunch afterwards. It was a great way of remembering how lucky we are in our lives. However during the service I was unexpectedly called up to the front by one of the two vicars and given a poem to read. I’d been out-Barded in my own barn. So for my 1,600th blog posting I can include a ‘Guest Verse-monger!’My grain barn was laid out as a church
including hay bales on which to perch,
a heap of oats a pile made of bean,
a big-bale altar in between!
Then all of a sudden I was called,
had no idea – was not enthralled,
was handed a sheet for me to read,
on which was a verse – I didn’t dare plead!
So thanks to Nick Lyness (With no alarm!)
I was ‘out-barded’ in my own barn!

With many thanks to Fiona and Nick for taking such a truly memorable service. It’s not often that something that doesn’t involve dust a brush or a lorry happens in the barn!
I have reproduced Nick’s verse below for all to see, beneath that dog-collar he has hidden talents – Many thanks for writing such nice things about me!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Old Van!

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There are some mornings, like this one, where I have no idea what is going to splurge out onto the laptop screen. I skip through my vast selection of photos and one sometimes leaps out from the screen with its hand in the air shouting, “Me! Me! Pick Me!” That is what has happened this morning, an old van that has seen better days (probably scrapped by now) parked outside the local bank (closed down in August). So here goes, lets see where it takes us…

“Please Mr Bank Manager,
can I have a loan?
I need a new van,
to call my very own.
The old girl is rusty,
so are her wheels,
she coughs in the mornings,
I know how she feels!
Oh that is a shame,
no loans for us claimants,
well at least my old van,
comes with no payments!”

My apologies for the poor quality of today’s verse, but I can at least plead insanity as it’s before 0500hrs and I’m off in the dark to open up the car boot sale! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Friday Wine Glass!

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Mrs Bard and I went to the wholesalers in Watford this week. You never know just what you’ll see for sale and there is always at least one surprise item. On display this visit was the biggest wine glass I’ve ever seen. I guess it would have held somewhere in the region of five bottles of wine. However in this puritanical, liberal and do-gooder age we live in, there had to be a spoilsport sign: ‘For Decorative Purposes Only’, as if anyone would be so silly…

I collapsed in the chair on Friday eve,
what a bitch of a week you wouldn’t believe,
sweeping beans had left me knackered,
and what with the News, I was shattered.
Then I thought ‘I need some wine’
restorative elixir for Friday-eve time.
Fetched the ‘large glass’ tall and wide
and filled it from the tanker outside!

Have a great Friday, remember to drink responsibly.
The weekend is almost here – HURRAH!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

Screaming Beans!

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The last of the beans have now been swept and conveyed (with the help of my trusty son-in-law, John), to the floor of the barn next door leaving the silos empty. Never a pleasant job sweeping anything from the bins but the beans add another dimension – noise! The hard-as-bullets seeds rattle and scream as they are swept towards the conveyor, so much so that if ear defenders aren’t worn, the next few hours are spent saying “pardon”…

“I beg your pardon,
what did you say?
I’ve been in a bin,
sweeping beans today!
What with the dust,
shovel and brush,
all I can hear,
is turned to mush!
We both wore masks,
Halloween is soon,
when I’ll be seen flying
away on my broom!”
Have a good day, stay safe and be careful with that hearing!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
Season Ends 14th October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share