About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

A Peaceful Picture!

Posted on September 1, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I decided to have another half an hour in bed. Normally I dash out of bed, rush downstairs, do my diabetes blood test and get some hurried breakfast before getting on with my manic day. Suddenly I remembered a photo series I’d taken many years ago of our village, one of which showed a lone rambler walking down our main street. By some miracle I managed to find it and it still portrayed the sense of calm that I remembered…

A rambler walked through our village,
12th of May 2004,
I said a cheery ‘Good afternoon’,
as I’d not seen him before!
He just kept on walking,
perhaps he did not care,
perhaps he was in another time,
and to him I was not there!

I wish you all a peaceful and relaxed Friday

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Ferocious Passenger!

Posted on August 31, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

One amazing part of running a car boot sale, apart from the people, is that you never know what you’ll find on sellers stalls. I thought that after twenty-five years, 657 sales and over 40,000 stalls, I’d just about seen all there was to see and would no longer view ‘unique’. That was until last Saturday when I dropped by on a stall to collect the pitch fee…

“There’s a tiger in your van,
looking out at me,
I do hope it’s been fed,
not eyeing me up for tea!
I don’t suppose you get,
many break-ins to your van,
I bet the last who tried it,
screamed before he ran!
Oh! it has been fed this morning,
I’m much relieved at that,
next time you may consider,
bring a smaller type of cat!”
This is dedicated not just to two sellers with a great sense of humour, but also to friend Geoff, whose real-life job this week is picking up a real tiger from an airport!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Unseasonal Bank Holiday Weather

Posted on August 30, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This August has seen some quite extraordinary weather, both here and abroad. My grandfather, who died some fifty years ago, always considered August a wet month, ideal for drilling grass seed! However the normal rain-curse of a Bank Holiday failed to materialise this year, despite continued talk of climate change…

There’s nothing like a Bank Holiday,
when the weather’s fine,
a heady mix of friendship,
barbecue and wine!
Then if you’re able,
lucky some might say,
the weather is so perfect,
you sneak another day!
…and make it even harder to get back in the saddle of work!

Thank you to the kind person who e-mailed suggesting my absence from my blog was ‘unfortunate, but probably necessary!’ your concern has been noted!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Saturday Alarm!

Posted on August 26, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning has been all go-go-go! The sheets and duvet ganged up on me and with the help of the alarm clock conspired to make me wake up half an hour late! Therefore the deadline to get down to the field in Baldock to open up the car boot sale had crept too close for comfort. However despite some minor setbacks I seem to have made it on time and thanks to the wonders of ‘Hotspot’ I’m writing these words ‘live’…

The clock in the car says six-eighteen,
I’m almost ready (or should have been),
if I don’t soon open the gate,
there’ll be a chorus of “Ooh, you’re late!”
So I can’t sit here chatting to you,
must get on – ‘Toodle-oo!”

I apologise for the lack of quality this morning, but needs must when the Devil drives. Have a great Bank Holiday Weekend!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

When Giants Meet!

Posted on August 25, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I never know what my topic is going to be from day to day. In fact for the last two days there has been no topic as I’ve been busy catching up on post-harvest paperwork. Driving on a small country road last night, today’s topic pulled out in front of me from a farmer’s field, or rather provided a topic when it met a same-species but distant cousin further down the road…

Two giants met on a country road,
on their travels from field to field.
One politely said “After you my dear!”
the other said “No, I shall yield!”
The hedge on one side seemed perilously close,
the ditch seemed rather deep,
both drivers waved from their high up cabs,
one let out a rather shrill ‘peep!’
Further along I followed Ms Yellow,
Ms Green had gone off to harvest some wheat,
“Do you think my backside looks rather big?”
I replied, “it looks rather complete!”
Then all of a sudden she turned off the road,
strode up a longish farm track,
“Goodbye and Good Luck,” I shouted,
but alas all I saw was her back!
If you come across giants today, smile sweetly and they’ll continue on their way!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Harvest Home!

Posted on August 21, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Last Saturday night at 8:59pm we finished harvest. Harvest 2017 is now consigned to our history as one where we rode our luck and came out the other side relatively unscathed. My faithful Mavic-Pro drone recorded the last harvesting moments, little did I know then that my daughter had taken over driving the combine (under instruction)…

No more beans to harvest in the field,
no more loads to help the yield,
no more bindweed seed in the barn,
no more watching the sky with alarm!
no more listening for the home-coming trailer,
no more “sounds like here comes the baler!”
no more dust masks making sweaty face,
no more dirt lines in the bath to trace!
no more postponed meals at night,
no more worrying if the quality’s right,
no more calls from the combine driver’s phone
We can now say “Harvest is home!”
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Storm Clouds Gathering!

Posted on August 19, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening as we were harvesting beans, storm clouds were gathering on the horizon in an attempt to halt our progress. We knew we had been so lucky with the weather this harvest and thought our luck would not hold yet again. So we awaited the cloud’s wrath…

With an almost Gallic shrug of the shoulders,
we shouted “Show us your worst!”
and continued harvesting beans,
awaiting an inevitable cloud-burst!
When it came it was quite pathetic,
a dampening outside the grain store,
hardly a drop down the field,
we had been expecting much more!
So onward we continued to combine,
until we were ready to go home,
the storm had gone away round us,
for all we cared down to Rome!

…then just as we were standing in the shed having a post-harvest beer (to wash the dust down, you understand!) the heavens opened! With such luck I should have chosen lottery numbers!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Stop Start Harvest!

Posted on August 18, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday when I tested the beans in the field I was surprised to find they were under 16% moisture. The reading had hardy shifted all week from mid-16’s and suddenly they announced that they were ripe enough to harvest! So we dashed around and with a whoop and a holler, started after teatime…

We started combining beans around half-past five,
moisture under 16, ‘Let’s go drive!’
Going great guns until half-past seven,
it grew dark I looked up to heaven!
“It’s great being back on harvest again!”
at that moment it began to rain!
I uttered some words I daren’t write here,
Harvest 17, a stop-start year!

May your harvest progress with joy and your yields be plentiful, whatever you do and wherever you live!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Burial Ground

Posted on August 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes you see something so often that you don’t notice it any more! In my world this mostly applies to drains that go on a list to clear and are only noticed when it has rained and there is a large lake. However it also applies to fields! When looking at a crop of beans by drone the other day to judge how much weed there was, I was reminded of the field’s history and why it’s called ‘The Burial Ground’…

Our village, 35 miles north of London, was the most northerly outpost of the London Garrison of the Roman Army. Being as far from the centre as possible, they used it for their disaffected and troublesome troops and their containment zone for those suffering from disease. These poor souls were often North Africans, brought over here as part of the Romans ‘Divide and Conquer’ regime (whereby those captured were sent to other colonies far removed from their home land).
I often imagine how these foreigners must have felt: removed from their temperate climate to a wet, damp and cold winter here in Britain, hated by both the population and their Roman masters.
This was of course not all. Many of these people had leprosy and were banished to outposts to await death while relying on local charity for food and water (and we complain about the NHS). Their compound was surrounded by a reverse moat (dug to keep people in rather than keep invaders out) and there they spent their days until relieved by death.
Hence The Burial Ground. Many years ago burial pots were ploughed up and sent to a local museum, but the constant reminder is now the moated and wooded area and the named field that tells such a sad tale.

Thankfully we are more welcoming to those from abroad these days, however we should all be reminded that tolerance is of utmost importance in our world today.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Camouflaged Bales!

Posted on August 16, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I drove across the fields to see if the contractors had completed baling the straw. When I came across some oat bales and snapped one with my phone, I was surprised how well they blended into the background. Then I realised ! was just having a ‘durrrr’ moment and perhaps it was time to switch the brain back on…

Hiding in the field,
like a giant’s cereal biscuit,
could you manage one for breakfast?
Would you dare risk it?
They’re off to the power station,
to make electricity,
pulses down some wires,
to light a distant city!
When they come to collect,
I hope they find them all,
or they’ll trick some unwary walker,
and misfortune will befall!

Many apologies for the poor and obscure rhyming couplets this morning, I’m blaming it on the weather! Have a great day and watch out for those camouflaged bales, maybe things will improve when I have my new glasses!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

A Peaceful Picture!

A Ferocious Passenger!

Unseasonal Bank Holiday Weather

The Saturday Alarm!

When Giants Meet!

Harvest Home!

Storm Clouds Gathering!

The Stop Start Harvest!

The Burial Ground

The Camouflaged Bales!