About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Farmer and his Drone!

Posted on August 3, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Our luck with the weather has run out! Harvest is now at a stop thanks to a very heavy downpour yesterday afternoon. However before it rained I managed to get my drone out for ten minutes and captured harvest from a different angle…

A birds-eye view is not the same,
altogether a different game,
the drone soars up into the sky,
sends back pictures from its ‘Magic Eye!’
Harvest time is all rush and go,
no time for playing with my Mavic Pro,
so every minute others are saying,
“There’s the farmer, look he’s playing!”

…and I don’t care because at a time of stress – it’s such fun!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Farmer’s Painted Nails!

Posted on August 2, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, while grabbing some lunch between the arrival of loads of wheat at the store, I let my four-year-old granddaughter use her nail varnish set on me! Not being a regular user of such things, it was only later that I realised that I was stuck with painted nails for the rest of the day. Going over to see the contractors who were baling straw, I had forgotten this as I pointed out the fields…

“Did you see the farmer’s painted nails?
Never seen that while baling bales!
My sense of amazement never fails,
must be something in the water!”

“He doesn’t belong with alpha males,
looks are about minor details,
I hear that he writes daily tales,
pity his poor granddaughter!”

Thanks to the Big-Bale crew for not noticing, although it was probably enough to keep you amused for weeks! Last night I discovered the joys of nail varnish remover!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

It Can’t be Raining!

Posted on August 1, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

All of a sudden we are in harvest! The combine is plodding up and down the field, the grain cart is rushing to and fro filling the store and one eye is firmly fixed upon the dark clouds that encircle the farm. Then the worst case scenario – it starts to rain. However there is an old combine drivers saying…

‘It can’t be raining,
if you ignore the wipers’,
the sun is hiding,
behind storm clouded vipers!

I find myself carting,
wheat to the barn,
there is rain on the windscreen,
I shriek with alarm!

All of a sudden,
the precipitation gone
such a good job,
I didn’t turn the wipers on!
…and then my son-in-law, John, arrives back from holiday in France and jumps straight on the tractor. Good luck twice in one day, it could be my lucky harvest!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Lonely Combine!

Posted on July 31, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The last few days have shown little evidence of summer. Frequent showers have meant that harvest for some has been a damp, stop/start affair. Farmers have to wait until wheat is dry enough to store or sell and the magic reading on the oft-sworn-at moisture meter is 15%. A neighbour’s giant green combine has spent a lonely weekend in a half cut field. More combines have been abandoned in fields this weekend than if there had been a zombie invasion…

Like a giant feeding animal,
chained on a far too short tether,
the Class Lexion combine,
is awaiting dry weather.
Abandoned when the storm hit,
the driver dashed to the farm,
leaving it alone and abandoned,
Harvest stop-start with alarm!
Fast forward to this morning,
with moisture meter they’ll go
pray for a good reading
and harvest will flow!

Whatever your harvest is, whether behind a desk or in a field, have a good one today!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Early Morning Sky!

Posted on July 29, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

It is strange how some mornings the weather forecast leads to expectations which then don’t materialise. I was expecting pouring rain at 04:30 this morning. I had convinced myself that the early alarm call would be wasted and instead of running my car boot sale, I’d be able to slope off back to the confines of the warm duvet! The sky told a different tale…

I love the early morning sky,
it fascinates me, heaven knows why!
It holds such promise in many ways,
a glimpse of future happy days!
The forecasters promised heavy rain,
a wash-out boot sale, what a pain,
opening the curtains I look out and see,
a wonderful sight facing me!
Hardly a cloud stains the view,
everything is dry, the morning new,
and I can’t slope back off to bed,
but face a dry sunny day instead!

Whatever you’re up to today and wherever in the world you find yourselves, may you enjoy your day and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

A Slice of Wedding Cake!

Posted on July 27, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Last weekend I went to a family wedding in Devon. Having been berated by one of my foreign readers for writing about the journey and leaving the main event uncommented, I thought I’d better see what I could do. Writing about such an occasion will never do it full justice (unless it runs to 7,324 pages!) and so I offer you a slice of wedding cake…

The bride went to the altar,
to wed her handsome man,
the forecast talked of showers,
but all went according to plan.
The reception in a marquee,
a very British affair,
Thought I’d spotted Hugh Grant,
turned out he wasn’t there!
The father of the bride,
delivered an emotional speech,
the guests all toasted everyone,
again for glasses reach!
The photos were full of smiling,
with sunshine all around,
some high heels on the lawn,
seemed to dig into the ground!
Over in the corner,
awaiting rain from heaven,
a line of colourful brollies,
vital accessories in Devon!
“My Lords, Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise a glass (or mug!) to Robert and Rebecca, and wish them a wonderful, long and happy marriage; Robert and Rebecca!”

I must just mention the brides mother who sang the first dance. It was truly amazing and had every guest on their feet applauding. One of the most remarkable and emotionally-charged performances I’ve ever had the pleasure of hearing.
Also a big ‘Thank You’ from me to the ‘Northern Crew’ who were so friendly towards a ‘Southern Softee’ and were a true pleasure to meet. May we meet again sometime. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2017
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Back Seat Demands!

Posted on July 26, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day we pulled up beside a camper van (or RV) in a car park. The driver and his wife looked harassed as their young charge sat in the back barking orders at them. I felt quite sorry for them as it was rather early to have shouted demands by one so small…

A little Scotsman sat,
in the back of a camper van,
looking out of the window,
just because he can!

“I’m on holiday with my humans,
I take them wherever I go,
I have them just where I want them,
I just bark and off we go!
Last night at the campsite,
(an expensive one that takes dogs!)
I got them up at three o’clock,
so I could sniff and pee on logs!
So take good care of your human,
treat them with great care,
until they no longer notice,
everything’s covered with your hair!”

Please take time to listen to your dog today, you know what happened the last time you failed to respond to demands!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Amateur Bee Keeper!

Posted on July 25, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Following a wedding in Devon, we had a funeral in Chester, a mere 250 miles to the North. The funeral was a true celebration of a life well lived. We stayed with Tony, an amateur bee keeper in Staffordshire. His attitude to this new hobby was rather refreshing…

Tony loves his bees,
he deals with them at ease,
he’s not really sure,
if he wants any more,
but if some swarm by he’ll say ‘please!’

He wears a very strange suit,
along with black Wellington boot,
he carries smoke,
before giving them a poke,
in his honey-questing persuit!

Unless you’re properly dressed it is not a good idea to disturb insects that sting!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Motorway Hold-up

Posted on July 24, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Last Friday, on the busiest travelling day of the year, Mrs Bard and I, along with other family members, found ourselves heading West on the M4 motorway in Wiltshire. We were heading for a wedding in Devon. I might just have mentioned that we were making good progress…

We’d been travelling for two hours,
t’was late in the morning,
the traffic ground to a halt,
without any warning.

We were caught between junctions,
no option to leave,
three lanes of car-park,
too big to believe.

Further back in the queue,
Offspring, son-in-law, granddaughter,
their kitted out campervan,
loo, kitchen and water.
Some middle-aged men,
and some who were older,
use a convenient tree,
on the hard shoulder!

After an hour we move,
although progress is slow,
thankful to be moving,
with many miles to go.

As all pass the crash site,
in car, truck or bus,
all quietly thank their maker,
that it wasn’t one of us.

Wherever you’re going today, please stay safe

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Incy Wincy, the Very Large Spider!

Posted on July 20, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

While dusting the edges of the grain barn I came across a very large spider. So large was it, that she reminded me of the children’s nursery rhyme about Incy Wincy Spider and the problems of a downpipe. Unfortunately, being me, I had to take it further and strike up a conversation…

“Good morning Mr Farmer,”
shouted Incy spider across to I,
“You’re not going to hurt me,
‘tis not my time to die.”

“I have forty-nine young children,
three are not at school,
Sharon and Simone are poorly,
Shane is playing football!”

“Nine have left PE kit at home,
twelve have earned detention,
and Sam is in teacher’s very bad books,
for not paying enough attention!”

“My husband’s at the pub,
ogling the barmaid’s six legs,
the silly fool dreams of giving her,
a clutch of fifty eggs!”

By then I’d heard enough,
“Please see your own way out,
troubles you have plenty,
Just mind that water spout!”

Have a great day, may your troubles all be smaller than anticipated.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

The Farmer and his Drone!

The Farmer’s Painted Nails!

It Can’t be Raining!

The Lonely Combine!

The Early Morning Sky!

A Slice of Wedding Cake!

Back Seat Demands!

The Amateur Bee Keeper!

The Motorway Hold-up

Incy Wincy, the Very Large Spider!