About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Little Fella!

Posted on July 19, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve see some strange purchases at the car boot sale over the years. Sometimes I even manage to record it for posterity! Looking through some archive photos I discovered a photo of a little chap being carted off to a new pond…

A gnome was at the bootsale,
just mooching around,
when someone caught his hat,
lifted him clean off the ground!

“How much for the little chap?
he really is quite cute,
I’ve a place in my garden,
I think that he would suit!”

“Put me down you brigand,
I’m being kidnapped from this stall,
He’s taking advantage,
because I’m not that tall!”

“Hush now fella don’t complain
I’m not as cruel as it appears,
I could have picked you up
and carted you by your ears!”

If you’re off pushing your wheelbarrow today I hope nobody picks you up by your hat!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Sweeping the Barn!

Posted on July 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the last few weeks the weather has prompted the crops to ripen early. The wheats look as if they will be ready in around fifteen days, a good three weeks or so earlier than a ‘normal’ year, although what is normal is debatable these days! As harvest draws ever closer so my preparations get ever-more frantic. My motto at the moment: ‘We Will Be Ready!’ Son-in-law John ‘swept’ the barn in record time…

Many jobs in farming,
involve choking dust,
but when the devil drives,
then so needs must!
Sweeping out the barn,
harvest drawing near,
ready to fill with wheat,
earn a pint or two of beer!
Son-in-law John,
an idea in his head,
throws away the brush,
uses leaf blower instead!
Yes there is more dust,
through all it he appears,
the barn all swept out
…needs to wash down dust with beers!

Have a great Monday and don’t let the dust get in your eyes!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Dawn Shopping!

Posted on July 15, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I did something this morning that previous generations of my family would have found unfathomable! I walked into our local supermarket just after 4:30am! Yes, I went shopping at silly-o-clock! I had forgotten to pick up any milk last night and so I joined the insomniacs and shelf-stackers in the early light of dawn…

I walked into the store,
just after 4:30,
cars parked up,
about only thirty!
I wanted milk,
nothing more,
was able to park,
close to the door.
No queues for the tills,
just serve-yourself,
with my bottle of milk,
fresh from the shelf.
Return roads quiet,
no vapour trail,
just cars lined up,
for my car boot sale!

Have a great day and don’t forget the milk!
(Real farmers get their milk straight from the cow, I have to dawn-raid the supermarket!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

A Trip Down the Aisle!

Posted on July 13, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I used to enjoy a trip to the supermarket and used to ‘reward myself’ with a milk drink plus something from the biscuit aisle. However since I was recently diagnosed as being diabetic, all I seem to see when I walk down the aisle are things I’m no longer allowed…

I wandered down the aisle,
(not in a wedding dress!)
looking at labels on biscuits,
tempted I must confess.
No more Wagon Wheels,
nor Kit-Kats or Party Rings too,
Club Biscuits and Digestives are out,
My predicament I now rue!

The other night I dreamt,
a whole packet of biscuits I munched,
I even dreamed about the taste,
as through the lot I crunched!
When I woke up in the morning,
and did my first blood test,
I was surprised to find it normal,
I suppose it was for the best!

A little of what you like does you good (or not in my case), have one for me!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Confused Dragonfly!

Posted on July 11, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

In life, every day can bring surprises! The other day, while Mrs Bard and I were near the river, a dragonfly landed on my outstretched hand! I was stunned by its beautiful lace wings and delicate but long body and surprised at its weight. A truly memorable brush with a large elusive insect…

The dragonfly landed on my hand,
not a move that it had planned,
“What a pink branch, rather warm,
no obvious flower, nary a thorn!
Lots of wrinkles, plenty of lines,
been around the block, no end of times!
Time is precious, so they say!”
With that the dragonfly flew away.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

“Got Any Military?”

Posted on July 11, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Ever since I started running a Saturday car boot sale I became aware of a select group of early-morning buyers who trawl the stalls for specialist collectables. Some collect records (or Vinyls as they are now known!), some search for gold and some are simply looking for that obscure Lalique vase or similar! However there is also John! I would think that he is coming up to having repeated the phrase “Got and Military?” nearly 40,000 times…

Saturdays wouldn’t be the same,
without “Got any military?”
up and down the rows he goes,
the height of civility!
Sometimes you’ll see him,
on his way back to his car,
a rusty helmet in his hands,
or pictured Churchill with cigar!
Sometimes sellers try to fool him,
with an Action Man and Jeep!
but he just smiles and says,
“I’ll see you all next week!”
To all our wonderful buyers, without you, sellers wouldn’t come and the field would be empty!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Inconvenient Customer!

Posted on July 9, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Anyone who provides conveniences for customers will know what I mean by ‘Inconvenient Customers’. At my Saturday car boot sales I’m proud of the level of praise our portable toilets receive. Hardly a week goes by without a compliment like: “your loos are so much cleaner than that at that *other* car boot sale!” Last Saturday, for the first time in 25 years a customer let me down…

I’d love to meet the customer,
who left my loos in such a mess,
I wish you’d come and told me,
manned up and just confess.
You left it oh so filthy,
I had to lock the door,
later cover myself in overalls,
and steam-clean the filthy floor!
You’d better see your doctor,
that is if you can still walk,
failing that you may consider,
investing in a cork!

With many thanks to the nice people at Toilets+ who service the loos every week, a necessary but unpleasant job.
Want help cleaning the portable loos after a festival or large public event? Don’t bother calling me, I have been there and it’s not a pretty place!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Crop-Spotting with the Drone!

Posted on July 7, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This is a fascinating time of the year on the farm, crops are changing colour and harvest is on its way! This year it looks as if we are about six weeks early, mainly due to the lack of rain in the spring. This week I flew the drone over the farm and the land revealed some secrets from 400ft…

I flew the drone from the top of West Field,
to spot irregularities that might affect yield.
What was that line that stretched across the crop?
then I remembered: a former bird nesting plot!
To try and encourage the ground nesting bird,
we left some field un-cropped (about a third),
The other year it was so wet,
cultivations made a mess I won’t forget,
but come this year with a lack of rain,
the area seems more productive again.
But we won’t know until we erase all doubt,
when harvest starts and we get the combine out!

Never a dull moment when you till the soil (or fly a drone!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Farm Walk

Posted on July 6, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many rituals in the farming industry that are unique. Amongst the most bizarre is something called ‘The Farm Walk’. You open up your farm to a group of like-minded farmers who not only ‘ooh and ah’ at your successes but long to discover weaknesses in either your weed control or knowledge, in order to make them and their own farms seem better! I used to get numbness of the brain whenever I was host and forget even basic facts about my own farm. However there is always an exception to the rule and last night I went on a farm walk that almost made me want to step into the host farmer’s shoes…

John, Paul and Alexander,
showed us around their farm,
despite some strange agronomy,
t’was no sense of alarm.
Using old and new practices,
‘cover crops’ and ‘mob grazing’
the overall effect,
was not far short of amazing.
They don’t plough the fields and scatter,
no cultivating at all for them,
everything seemed so obvious,
a bottom-line-saving gem.
Their cattle seemed contented,
nearly organic stock,
I almost considered cattle for home,
needed a wine to quell the shock!
So thanks to all involved,
sixty farmers open-mouthed,
Serious considerations,
for ditching scattering and ploughed!
With thanks to the local NFU branches and Weston Park Farms. Their innovative ways can be seen at http://www.groundswellag.com. I am now convinced that theirs may be the way ahead during difficult times to come.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Alice at Eighty!

Posted on July 5, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening Mrs Bard and I went to an 80th Birthday Party. Nothing unusual you may think, however as people get older these days they seem to get younger. Back in the day, when my grandmother was 80, she looked positively ancient, dressed in black or grey and confined to a chair. These days bright colours and a positive outlook seem to be the order of the day, particularly with Alice…

At a party in her garden,
(resembling The Palace!)
a young and spritely eighty,
we sang “Happy Birthday Alice!”
Wearing a brightly-coloured dress,
made for her daughter’s wedding,
added to a broad wide smile,
led to the years a-shedding.
Later when she opens,
her pile of birthday cards,
she’ll become aware,
all hold her in high regards.

When I was a child she hosted the most amazing children’s birthday parties, I’m pleased to say she’s not lost her magic touch! Happy Birthday Alice!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

The Little Fella!

Sweeping the Barn!

Dawn Shopping!

A Trip Down the Aisle!

The Confused Dragonfly!

“Got Any Military?”

The Inconvenient Customer!

Crop-Spotting with the Drone!

The Farm Walk

Alice at Eighty!