About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Brutality of Nature!

Posted on July 3, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Most people regard a Monday as the start of a new week. As Mrs Bard and I run the car boot sale on a Saturday, when we aren’t too busy on the farm, Monday becomes our Sunday! This morning we have been peacefully watching tiny ducklings on the river when the brutality of nature becomes apparent…

A duck with ten ducklings,
floating down the river,
a hungry pike sizes them up,
thinks ‘one would make my dinner!’
Suddenly there’s a splash,
the pike has said ‘come hither!’
now there are just nine of them,
floating down the river.

May your Monday be peaceful and calm and may your predators stay away.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Servicing the JCB!

Posted on July 1, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

During harvest, when it’s all rush, rush, rush and the weather could turn at a moments notice, breakdowns are unwelcome! As my level of mechanical expertise is similar to pre-school Applied Science, I call in the experts. This week Johnny arrived on the farm to prepare the JCB Fastrac for the coming onslaught…

Johnny wears gloves that are JCB Yellow,
when servicing the tractor, clever fellow!
His service van is yellow too,
(not Massey red nor New Holland blue!)
He pours new oil (nice and clear),
climbs around the tractor like a mountaineer!
Ready for harvest along with the trailer,
now less likely to breakdown or be a failure!
Apparently some have started harvesting barley already. Thankfully our harvest looks at least three weeks away. Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Where Are The ‘Effin Keys?

Posted on June 30, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning everything happened at once and due to a small oversight I went into full panic mode! They say that sometimes you can’t see the wood from the trees, this time I couldn’t see the forest from my drone! However like most panic events, all was well in the end and yet again, I earned myself the title: ‘Wotta Plonker!’…

Tanker came to fill the tanks,
for tractor, house and car,
I couldn’t find any tank keys,
though I searched near and far!

At the same time Johnnie,
was servicing the tractor,
and a chemical delivery,
a complicating factor!

I rushed around the house,
Like a chicken with no head,
swearing about everyone,
and an unknown I called ‘Fred!’

Then searched in my office,
including the untidy floor:
Guess where I found them?
…in the house back door!

Thanks to the driver from Conquest Oil, Johnnie from Oliver Landpower and the Agrovista driver for not panicking and dealing calmly with the situation! This morning peace reigns. No deliveries, no servicing and the yard is quiet…aaaah…and breath!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Holding Up The Traffic!

Posted on June 29, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Often farmers are criticized for holding up the traffic with their tractors. Many contractors these days drive their machines large distances and incur the wrath of motorists. Despite never travelling more than two miles on public roads, I always pull in at the nearest opportunity so as not to let a queue build up. Recently I pulled in to let cars pass and understood the reluctance of some tractor drivers to pull over …

I drove my Loadall down the road,
pulled in to let cars pass,
but the whole of my exercise,
turned out to be a farce!
Out of twenty-two cars that passed me,
(I’d held up for not one mile),
not one driver put up a hand,
not one thanks or nor even smile.
So next time they can wait and queue,
(I never drive that far)
they can wait, they can bate,
for ignorant they are!

For all my ranting I shall probably continue to pull in and simply not expect any recognition!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Memories in South Road, Baldock

Posted on June 28, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

It is said that many from a certain generation can recall exactly where they were when they heard of President Kennedy’s assassination. I have to admit I can’t. Yesterday evening while driving down South Road in Baldock I remembered only too well the evening of 28^th of June 2012…

A simple journey,
to fetch a take-away,
around 7.30,
five years ago today.
I had to stop the car,
through tears I could not see,
a devastating phone call,
in South Road came to me.

Marsya was a journalist,
mother and true friend,
supporter and encourager,
enjoyed her life no end.
Everyone still misses you,
(soppy verse you despised!)
you enjoyed shocking with vernacular,
damn these tearful eyes!
Remembering Marsya and her much-loved family with love

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

George the Giraffe!

Posted on June 27, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day we went as a family to a local wildlife park. Now I know there are those who are adamant that the only place to see wild animals is in the wild in their natural habitat. Unfortunately we didn’t have time to pop to Africa and so the park was the next best thing. The animals were wonderful, but my favourite was a lone giraffe…

George the giraffe,
was hiding you see,
in the wildlife park,
behind a tree!
People driving by,
stopped to stare,
George kept on hiding,
he didn’t care!
Some people laughed,
some felt sad,
George just grinned,
“My life isn’t bad!
All those who’d eat me,
are behind tall wire,
there’s food in these buckets,
you couldn’t get higher!
I have all that I need,
right here by this tree,
if I were in the wild,
you couldn’t see me!”

Have a great day and good luck with hide and seek!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Watering a Round Garden!

Posted on June 25, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday morning at 6am in Baldock, as I put out my direction signs for the car boot sale, I came across a man watering his plants from a mobile tanker. Folk met at that time on a weekend morning seem to always pass the time of day in a pleasant way. I crossed the road and we chatted a while…

Bob has a round garden,
in the middle of the street,
his flowers planted in rows,
so they are always neat.

Early Saturday morning,
he waters them with a hose,
his wife is also a keen gardener,
her name, of course, is ‘Rose!’

Have a great day and may your plants flower with vigour!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Lucky Chip!

Posted on June 24, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Chip ‘resting his eyes’ by the Aga!

In early December 2002 we had a dog run over on the main road. Our other dog was bereft and unconsolable. So we went to a rescue centre to look for a companion for her. There was one particular dog, a Jack Russell Terrier called Chip who had been un-homed for over a year because he had problems. Apparently he didn’t like children, other dogs or cats and wasn’t particularly fond of humans either! He had a doggie-psychiatrists report to back this up that stretched to many pages. However, despite his documented problems, there was something appealing about him and we asked if we could take him home. The supervisor advised us that we’d have to wait until we’d had passed a suitability visit before we could adopt him. When she came out to see us and saw the farm, woodland, large fenced-in garden and met the family, she simply had this to say: “Lucky Chip!”
For the next fifteen years he was very much part of our family. The report had been utter tripe: he loved other dogs, adored children, ignored cats and gave nothing but love to all humans! In short, apart from the ability to constantly moult his coat, leaving all surfaces with a constant reminder of him, he was the perfect dog.
On Friday, in his eighteenth year, when he had finally stopped eating, had trouble drinking and his back legs were on the verge of giving up, we took him on his final journey to the vet. Amidst flowing tears, we said our goodbyes and then laid him to rest in a sunny spot of the garden that he loved so much. I only hope we gave him as much as he gave to our family and friends, both human and canine.
He was ‘Lucky Chip’ in so many ways.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Farming Factor!

Posted on June 23, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I had just put the last bales of freshly-made hay undercover in the lean-to shed when the heavens opened with heavy rain mixed with hail. Sometimes I have not been so lucky and have been sat in the tractor cab watching the un-baled hay receive a biblical soaking. Yesterday morning I was in the barn when the drumming on the roof announced the break in the tropical weather we’ve ‘enjoyed’ for the last few days…

We all have luck
in many a way,
particularly needed,
when making hay.
Many a time,
I sat on the tractor,
watching hay ruin,
it’s the ‘Farming Factor’.
This time I’ve been lucky,
six days in a row,
I sometimes forget,
crops need rain to grow!

Have a great day and take care out there.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

A Friend Indeed!

Posted on June 22, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I recounted how my old baler was in need of life-saving surgery with the welder and that my prowess with a welder was very limited! (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=9652) Unfortunately the repair turned out to be beyond my capability and so I was unsure what to do. So I did what Chris Tarrant on ‘Millionaire’ would have suggested: I phoned a friend who has a shiny new baler…

“John, I have a problem,
my baler is kaput!
I’m not sure what to do,
could you take a look?
I wonder if you’re able,
to do my baling for me,
I’ve cut it and I’ve turned it,
it’s making fast you see!”

The next day John arrived,
with tractor and posh baler,
then went away on holiday,
true friends never fail-yer!
I tentatively drove it,
avoiding poles and trees,
it spewed out all the bales,
with remarkable speed and ease.
All the bales are in the barn,
from worrying I am freed,
It just goes to show,
John’s a friend indeed!

The one thing in life that is more important than wealth and possessions is true friendship, I hope you are as lucky as I am to have so many friends. Keep collecting!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

The Brutality of Nature!

Servicing the JCB!

Where Are The ‘Effin Keys?

Holding Up The Traffic!

Memories in South Road, Baldock

George the Giraffe!

Watering a Round Garden!

Lucky Chip!

The Farming Factor!

A Friend Indeed!