About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Welcome Visitors!

Posted on June 21, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we said goodbye to our last group of London school visitors to the farm this season. They were wonderfully behaved, attentive and seemed to enjoy the wild moments that we can give them! they collected sticks, feathers and even bones to take back with them on the coach…

Bone collectors and souvenir hunters,
went striding through the wood,
excitingly chattering
and silent when they should!
We didn’t see the deer,
and the wolves were not around,
but often heard the shout,
“look what I have found!”
Often a clash of sticks!
just like the Knights of Old,
the weather was scorching hot,
so often it is cold!
So thanks to all the visitors,
who came to learn and play,
we hope you come again,
thanks for making our day!
Thank you so much to all the visitors from W.G. for truly making our day in-between bouts of making hay!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Good Hay-Making Year?

Posted on June 20, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

It is very easy to make bad hay. Even when the weather is perfect the task is covered in pitfalls and ruination is just around the corner! After all haymaking is not rocket science: first cut the long grass, turn it so that it dries through and then bale it and put it in the shed. I have made so much bad hay in my life that I’m surprised that I still attempt the unpredictable job…

Yesterday I fetched out the ‘Hay-Bob’,
where it had lain since last year,
I attached it to my trusty tractor,
everything normal did appear.
Then the grease gun made an appearance,
to make sure everything moved so well,
into the field to turn the grass,
hay-making Heaven or Hay-making Hell?
The sun shone brightly like abroad,
it wasn’t like Baldock here at all,
the grass wilted perfectly, so unusual,
I kept waiting for the inevitable fall.
Then I spoke to my father,
he reinforced my hay-making fear:
“The worst hay can always be made…
in the very best hay-making year!”

Have another perfect hot hay-making day and may you not wilt like the grass!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

One Man Went To Mow!

Posted on June 19, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I went to mow some permanent pasture for hay. Like me, all of my hay-making machinery is old and knackered! It is also stored well away from the more modern machines so as not to spread a general air of malaise or rebellion amongst cultivators and other more frequently used machines…

One man went to mow,
went to mow a meadow,
took the mower from behind the shed,
and went to mow the meadow.
He greased up all the grease points,
checked the blades were sharp,
climbed inside the tractor cab,
took the handbrake out of park!
Up and down the field he went,
the air-con was on cold,
the dust was all outside the cab,
not like days of old!
Now the field is fully mown,
“Where’s the hay-bob metals?”
just then he spied the headstock,
poking above the nettles!
So tomorrow I’ll be turning hay,
the meadow is all mown,
if anything goes wrong in turning,
the fault will be home-grown!

Have a good day and be sure to make hay while the sun shines!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

‘Bunny Ears’

Posted on June 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I like dogs, I also like most dog owners, however there is a variety of dog owner that I detest. At the Saturday car boot sale that I run, both dogs and their owners are welcome, however every week when we are clearing up the litter, we come across little black bags with ‘bunny ears’…

If you walk in the countryside,
with your favourite dog,
just be aware,
when it leaves behind a ‘log’.
Some owners scoop it up,
and tie those ‘Bunny Ears’
then throw it in a hedge,
where it’ll remain for many years.
So next time in the countryside,
you and your best friend roam,
by all means bag up the poo,
but please just take it home!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Retired Baler!

Posted on June 16, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Twenty years or so ago I bought an old baler for £100 from a local farmer. I baled about 400 bales a year, not many but just enough to make it worth the while. Yesterday I fetched her from her resting place, attached the tractor and put some ‘test bales’ through her. Sadly time had run out and a knotter was broken beyond repair, a great shame as I really enjoyed baling…

My fifty-year-old baler’s broken,
I think beyond repair,
I fetched it from the nettles,
it had been resting there.
I didn’t expect a lot from it,
hadn’t used it for two years,
but when it refused to tie a knot,
it reinforced my fears.
Maybe I’ll try the welder,
spare parts not in stock,
failing that perhaps a visit,
to the local Baler Doc!
But I fear it’s terminal,
the old girl’s out of time,
her baling days are over,
and so alas are mine!

…Just when it is perfect hay-making weather!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Farm Welding Prowess!

Posted on June 15, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many types of welding: Mig, Tig, Gas, Arc and mine! I was taught in evening class over forty years ago and my instructor would be turning grey if he could view my prowess now! To be good at welding you need three things: practice, practice and practice. Despite practising for all those years, metal I weld is held together mostly by luck…

I needed to weld the cultivator,
I’d broken it back in the spring,
I’d found some suitable metal,
now I needed to mend the damn thing!
I clamped the metal together,
having ground the edge to a shine,
If the repair looked unattractive,
I’d deny that it was mine!
I attached the stick to the holder,
put some thick gloves on my hands,
attached the negative electrode,
and proceeded with my welding plans!
Through the mask it was hard to see,
the spark made me jump with surprise,
at the end I expected a straight weld,
I couldn’t believe my eyes…

I’d missed the repair entirely,
and blown a hole in the steel,
my overalls were singed and smouldering,
the mess I was in was surreal.

…I’ll have to wait until someone who knows what they are doing can come to my aid! I was obviously never meant to be let loose with a welder!

© Baldock Bard 2017
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E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Farm Visitors

Posted on June 14, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday was a fun day. Thirty young people came up from North London to see how we farm and what we grow. However learning was not the only item on the menu. The real task was for them to have fun in the woods, and discover for themselves in the old pre-digital way. They didn’t disappoint and as we waved them away from the farm I hope they had as much fun as I did…

Thirty young agronomists,
walking through my fields,
Why do you farm this way?
Is it to improve your yields?
They ask so many questions,
they just want to know,
when, how and why,
and what crops do you grow?

Then later in the woods,
they cross a dried up pond,
pick up sticks and stones,
and discover what’s beyond.
They avoid the stinging nettles,
through the long grass run,
then collapse to have lunch,
a school trip made of fun.

All should host school visits,
whether countryside or town,
help them understand,
how the world keeps turning round!
They are our future,
and from what I can see,
the future is a bright one,
if not fouled up by you and me.

With thanks to all the visitors for giving me such a wonderful day in the countryside!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Not In Our Branch

Posted on June 13, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

In our local Lloyds Bank branch there is a new sign by the cashiers warning that abusive behaviour by customers will not be tolerated. I never thought I’d see such a sign in such a friendly small branch. While visiting yesterday I had an idea…

The ladies who sit behind the counter
have had a very bad encounter,
someone came in the other day,
behaving in an abusive way.

I have an idea for abusive haters,
hidden trap door with alligators!
If they attempt to scream and shout
It’d give them something to complain about!

In a couple of months the bank will close,
what we’ll do then heaven knows.
As the staff disperse to branches new
please remember the majority not the few.

Dedicated to all those at Lloyds Bank, Baldock. Thank you for being so friendly and charming over all the years – we’ll miss you.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Bard-I-Net!

Posted on June 12, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Down at my Saturday car boot sale people are always very generous. Over the twenty-five years that I’ve been running it, I’ve been given many gifts, however none quite so aptly named as the one from friend Eric last Saturday…

At the boot sale on Saturday,
Eric gave me a gift,
one that was unlikely
to cause any rift!
“I’ve got you a small present,
a plastic bottle of drink,
it’s name is quite apt,
tell me what you think!
Some mornings your verse,
could do with support,
drink when you’re writing,
may help with your thought!”

Thanks Eric! I’ll bear that in mind! Have a great Monday, may you all stay well and stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The End of the Tunnel!

Posted on June 9, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

After a night of electoral surprises, we are left with an uncertain future. As a nation we have always coped with uncertainty, it’s given us an excuse to link arms and go forward together. Many years go I had an idea for a natural tunnel of greenery over a footpath on our land in order to make the walk slightly unusual. While it hasn’t quite worked out as planned, I’m quite proud of it! Perhaps it is a sign for the future…

When we built a bank,
to stop the cold winter draught,
we planted some bushes,
beside the footpath.
I’d hoped for a tunnel,
through which walkers could walk,
I sort of achieved that,
and made people talk!
Sometimes in life,
when the future’s not clear,
let it work itself out,
something will appear!

Whatever way your election went, let’s now pull together and see what happens!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

The Welcome Visitors!

A Good Hay-Making Year?

One Man Went To Mow!

‘Bunny Ears’

The Retired Baler!

Farm Welding Prowess!

The Farm Visitors

Not In Our Branch

Bard-I-Net!

The End of the Tunnel!