About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Spillage!

Posted on May 12, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, in anticipation of a much needed shower of rain, we applied the final dose of fertiliser to the wheat and oats. Unfortunately I ended up having to clear up where I had been clumsy with a big bag. I was careful to scatter the sweepings onto the field as I remembered what happened last time…

Sometimes you just can’t help it,
things will end up wrong,
the best ever intentions,
leave you in the pong!

Yesterday I split a bag,
not a ‘bag for life’,
I ended up a-shovelling
I hadn’t used a knife!

I’d driven over a nasty bump,
the big bag swung around,
and before I could stop it,
spilt fertiliser on the ground.

The last time that it happened
many years ago
I sprinkled it on the lawn
…all I ever did was mow!

Thank Heavens for Gaffer Tape! It doesn’t just hold my trousers up and mend a ripped ton-bag but a whole host of other life-saving jobs around the farm!
If you don’t want to spend all your free time mowing, go steady with the fertiliser!
Have a fantastic Friday. BB
STOP PRESS…… 2mm of rain overnight – Never have I been so pleased with so little. At least the fertiliser won’t evaporate and the plants will get some benefit! HAPPY DAYS!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Barley Mow Lane

Posted on May 11, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

One of the advantages of doing form-filling for the EU’s Basic Payment Scheme is that you visit those often overlooked, but beautiful parts of the farm. One such place is Barley Mow Lane (TL2731, 5940, WO12 Woodland 0.2439ha, in case you were wondering!). Years ago, this wooded track formed the walk from the farm’s cottages to the local pub. Dis-use due to nobody employed on the farm, cars conveying the thirsty to places afar, closure of the pub in the late seventies and cottages sold off, means it has reverted to a magical small piece of woodland…

Tommy, Bill and Paul,
were in the pub’s darts team,
they’d walk up from the cottages,
double-tops were their dream!
The hard work of the day,
washed away with many beers,
dominoes and companionship,
and the echoing of ‘Cheers!’
Now the track is silent,
Nature has taken its course,
very few now visit,
except sometimes on a horse!

All was peaceful until the farmer arrived with his drone!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Heron!

Posted on May 10, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Whenever I see a heron by the water’s edge on the river, I always think he is silently making fun of me! He stands there all aloof, passing judgment as we rush around keeping to our hectic daily schedules. I don’t suppose he’s even bothered about us; he’s probably just wondering what he’ll have for lunch…

The old heron stood on the river bank,
“I’ve seen some stuff,” he said,
“By being tall I’ve seen ‘em all,
it’s never gone to my head!”

“I’ve lived on fish all my life,
neither cow nor pig have I tasted,
no microwave for the time it saves,
no cooking time is wasted!”

“I watch you humans rush about,
no time to stop and stare,
I see you pose in your fancy clothes,
while I stand in my underwear!”

Dedicated to all Herons. May your fish be plentiful and your waters peaceful.

Top of the Form (fillers)!

Posted on May 9, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Despite heading for the fire-exit of Europe we still have to fill in forms. At the moment we are fast heading for deadline day for BPS from the RPA (Basic Payment Scheme from the Rural Payments Agency). These are pre-populated forms containing last years cropping information (completed forms with field and crop sizes that may or not be correct and may contain at least one random field from Cornwall or similar). The only way to avoid a stinging penalty is get out the measuring wheel and start from scratch with uncertain field and crop areas…

I pushed my measuring wheel around the farm
It caused humour (and a pain in my arm!)
A man out walking said: “you make me laugh,
don’t you know the size of this ancient footpath?”
I told him “I’ve got to check you see,
field sizes are right for the EEC!
It’s form-filling time and if they’re wrong,
the ensuing penalty could cost me a song.”
He then said, “What on earth are you like?
a typical farmer – only half a bike!”

BPS almost done, just one or two areas to check! If you’re form-filling today, may your head be clear and your glasses clean!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Early Morning Sleep Depravation!

Posted on May 7, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Last Saturday I was surprised to find a large queue of sellers awaiting me at the car boot sale. It was silly-o-clock in the morning, a time most sensible people have never seen at the weekend! A late arrival, some hours later, who still found a space, suggested somewhere they could go…

Before half-past six on Saturday,
they queued for the car boot sale,
some had been there for over an hour,
in case their pitch for a pitch should fail!
Someone suggested that they should,
possibly later this week,
buy a comfortable mattress,
or specialist counselling seek!

Have a great week and savour those extra minutes stole in bed after the alarm has rudely interrupted your sleep!

Bootsale Topdown!

Posted on May 6, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

According to those who know more than me about photography (that’s anyone with a ‘Box Brownie’ or similar!), the above photo of last weeks car boot sale is known as a ‘Topdown’. If there is an acknowledged way of taking wonderful photos, I haven’t found it yet! I rely mostly on a bit of luck, my DJI Mavic Pro drone and my un-trained eye…

Flying above the bootsale,
somewhat below the clouds,
my brave little drone,
takes topdowns of the crowds!
Sometimes they are acceptable,
sometimes I make a boob,
but sometimes they are good enough,
to put up on my You-Tube!

To see the animated version of the picture above please visit:
https://youtu.be/qJW94iqH-SU
Have a great weekend and stay safe!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
2017 Season
25 YEARS!
EVERY SATURDAY!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

My Farmer Failings!

Posted on May 5, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Amongst my many failings, Mrs Bard has one big complaint. Whenever we drive somewhere I’m always looking over the hedge to see what other farmers are doing! From “That doesn’t look a very good field of wheat,” to “That crop looks far better than mine!” Passing a tractor on the road begs the question (sometimes unspoken!) – “What’s he doing? Where’s he going?” Farmers can’t help it although apparently counselling can sometimes help…

If a farmer has a drone,
you’re in the garden with only socks,
he won’t be looking at you,
just at his neighbours’ crops!
If you see a naked knight in the bathroom,
without his suit of armour,

You can take a farmer from the farm,
but never remove it from a farmer!

Have a great day and stay safe. Picture shows Case Quadtrac and Lemkin cultivator – only saying in case you’re interested!

The Uncultivated Wild!

Posted on May 4, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning we have a group from a primary school in London coming to visit the farm. One particularly popular part of the visit is when we visit ‘The Zombie Ground’. As it has had no human interference and is wild it may be representative of a post apocalyptic world. Eleven years ago we took a piece of field, fenced it in, and left it to its own devices. The government advisor at the time suggested that trees would grow even though none were planted. I suggested that if that happened I’d eat my hat. Some trees have grown and so I’d better fetch my cap along with knife and fork…

I’ll be showing the children the ‘Zombie Ground’,
where self-set trees are all around.
I’ll explain to them this morning,
‘no more farming?’ It’s a warning.
The countryside would just go wild,
apart from the odd roaming child.
Living off simply berries and nuts,
not much fun no if’s nor but’s.
But I’ll say “don’t you fear,
we have a harvest every year,”
Then we’ll consider those abroad,
who are hungry and can’t afford,
things that we take for granted,
‘we always harvest all we planted’.

We are so very lucky to live in a land of plenty. The next time you eat, please spare a thought for those who live daily with hunger.

Monkey Goat and Internet Down!

Posted on May 3, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

For two hours this morning I couldn’t log onto my blogsite. I checked that I had put coins in the meter, the power was ‘on’ and the engine ticking away: still no result. I had’t realised that others were watching until suddenly without warning I was able to post…

“What is he doing?”
said Monkey to friend Goat,
“he’s been up for two hours,
not a word has he wrote!
It looks like the Internet,
won’t post his daily blog,
be easier to write it on,
paper or a log!
The poem he could carve,
‘from an elderly generation’,
and float it down the river,
it’s called an artist’s installation!”

Have a good day and stay connected!

Pan Overboard!

Posted on May 2, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

On the Bank Holiday Mrs Bard and I were invited to go on a short cruise on a river by some friends who own a posh cruiser. While eating a rater fine piece of cake I made a mess on the Wilton and the dustpan and brush went into action. Unfortunately while giving the crumbs to the fish, an accident occurred…

Up went the cry:
“Pan overboard!
it can’t swim,
Oh my Lord!
Attention Captain!
Stop the boat,
it can’t swim,
perhaps it’ll float?”
By swift action,
I’ll not forget,
the pan was saved,
by Annette!

Have a great week and if you’re boating please take care

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

The Spillage!

The Barley Mow Lane

The Heron!

Top of the Form (fillers)!

Early Morning Sleep Depravation!

Bootsale Topdown!

My Farmer Failings!

The Uncultivated Wild!

Monkey Goat and Internet Down!

Pan Overboard!