Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Tiddles and the Driving Lesson!

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It is remarkable the sights you see when you are driving. Up to now they have been mostly un-provable, however the dashcam, ‘Spy-in-the-Windscreen’, now captures everything. On Friday I was driving through a local town and captured ‘Tiddles’ having her first driving lesson…

Tiddles is learning to drive the car,
sits on her daddy’s lap,
the problem when she sees other dogs,
she stands at the window to yap!
She can’t quite reach the pedals,
her paws slip on the steering wheel,
but oh how pedestrians like to laugh,
(other dogs have been known to squeal!).
Daddy keeps an eye on the road,
in case the law should see,
his defence: “Tiddles wasn’t driving,
she’s only just leapt on my knee!”

Have a good day and stay safe out there.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK THIS SATURDAY
25th Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Dangers of Slots!

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I’ve never been a lucky gambler. The horse I backed in the Grand National came in twenty-something places behind the winner, my attempts at winning a fortune on the lottery have all come to naught and as for slot machines, let’s not go there! However it is reported in the media this week that a Jan Flato (66) from Florida was even unluckier…

Jan Flato from Florida went to the casino,
with Marina Navarro his friend,
he put in the coins while she pressed the button,
enjoying themselves no end.
All of a sudden flashing lights and a bell,
the jackpot he thought he’d won,
she scooped up the winnings and did the off,
(presumably at the run!)
According to experts she is the winner,
she pressed the button for sure,
Old Jan said ‘goodbye’ to one hundred thousand dollars,
I suspect he’s feeling quite sore!

Have a great weekend and stay lucky!
Thanks to THE WEEK for keeping me up to date with the week’s news and happenings around the world and around the corner.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Bargain Time!

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The other day in my local car accessory shop I noticed a collectors item. These soon-to-be-reduced-bargains were still on prominent display. I stood back, considered a purchase and then looked elsewhere. I dare say I’ll soon see them on a stall at my car boot sale when it opens for its 25th season on the Saturday after Easter…

Anyone want a GB badge,
surrounded by twelve yellow stars?
It once looked modern and bright,
on the boots of cars.
Now it sits unwanted,
on a thousand shelves,
the only way on Santa’s sleigh,
along with twenty elves!
After Easter we might see them,
for sale on boot sale stalls,
and Easter Rabbits with chocolate habits,
who’ve broken EU rules!

Wishing you and yours a Very Happy Easter, whatever your religion or beliefs. I’ll see you on the other side of the holiday! BB

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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Princesses and Pirates!

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Mrs Bard says she’s not sure who is the biggest child when we go shopping with our four-year-old granddaughter. Yesterday Child 1 was dressed like a princess, complete with tiara, while Child 2 was wearing farmerish/pirate clothing. One delightful assistant on the cake counter suggested that Mrs B may have qualified for a large glass of wine at teatime! I couldn’t understand why…

Princess or Pirate? It’s your call.
Walk the plank in the morning,
or lose a slipper fleeing the ball?
Wear Princess outfits in the High Street,
no pirate ship just a car.
Push the trolley in the shops,
annoy a 4 year-old by only saying “Aaaargh!”

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Grandfather Rights!

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Following the abolition of Grandfather Rights on farms, I now find myself in need of training in order to do what I used to do as a matter of course. I have completed and passed my PA6A (for knapsack sprayers see (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=9155), but found myself without the foundation course PA1 (Safe Use of Pesticides). Some have questioned my rush for certification, even going so far as to enquire whether I shall be signing up for course ZF3 – safe handling of a Zimmer frame…

Having passed my PA6 it was enquired of me:
“you have no PA1, as far as I can see!”
So yesterday to Whittlesford for more training I went,
‘back to the classroom for you’ I was sent!
Another candidate 40yrs younger than me,
“You here for the Zimmer course, that I can see!”
I replied ‘pardon, my hearing is so poor,
are you in a draught? Then I’ll shut the door!”
I started spraying in nineteen seventy-four,
Now I’ve learned lots I didn’t know before.
Gary taught me much, notes page after page,
Continuous Professional Development…
…even at my advanced age!

Thanks to teacher Gary for his patience in imparting so much information in such a short space of time. Many thanks (with good luck and best wishes) to the other pupil, Katie, who was kind enough not to point out that I was probably old enough to be her grandfather. Gary and Robert (the examiner!) can be found at the Saffron Walden Training Group www.swatg.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Branch Closure

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Often in the media you hear about banks closing local branches. This is one of those facts of life that generally happen to ‘other people!’ This time, it’s us! Our local branch of Lloyds Bank is due to close. It has perfect parking, superb staff and is popular with local businesses and residents alike. The alternatives proposed have their problems, either with distance or parking. One alternative branch is only open on a Tuesday or Thursday. One wonders if these faceless committee members have ever visited the town…

Lloyds at Baldock is closing down,
(I’ve always thought the best in town!)
Faceless groups in faceless offices,
issue diktats from various orifices.
If an alternative one should seek,
Stevenage: Only open two days a week!
If in Letchworth you try to park,
get up early preferably when it’s dark!
Did they ask us, did they hell!
(they’d dislike the answer, just as well!)
I suspect progress will get the blame,
for us, the customers, it’s just a shame.

With thanks to the wonderful staff I’ve known during 45 years of being a customer. You have always provided a personal service that is getting rarer these days. In terms of banking service, friendliness and customer satisfaction, Baldock is BEST!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Lovely Lucky Cowslips!

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Do you ever carry out tasks while on auto-pilot? Those tasks that have become so ordinary that your brain spends time ‘away from home?’ Yesterday evening I was mowing the lawn, brain definitely elsewhere, when I almost ran over some annual guests…

The beautiful Cowslips,
back again this year,
in the middle of the lawn,
a disaster was so near. 

Every spring I avoid them,
every spring there’s more,
I even avoid them later,
until seeding done for sure. 

In emergency I stopped the mower,
they had vanished out of sight,
I felt sick until I reversed,
they they were – they were alright!

Have a great weekend. Make sure you avoid the avoidable and bump into just friends!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Drover’s Inn

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Yesterday I was flying my drone above a small wood on the farm known as ‘The Rough Field’. This is actually not a bad name for the small wooded area as it was the location of an inn in the Seventeenth Century called The Tabbard. It was next to the old Icknield Way, an ancient Roman Road, popular with drovers and had a field (presumably to house the drovers animals overnight) called Fiddler’s Mead. Its fate is described by the name of the track leading down to it from what is now the main road to Baldock, one can only presume that activities in the inn at Rough Field led to the naming of Burnthouse Lane…

“I’ve walked many a few miles,
these last few days,” said the drover.
“I’ve avoided rogues and thieves,
on my journey down to Dover!
And now I’m ready,
to sup a quart of ale,
lay my hand upon a wench,
and listen to many a drunken tale!
My sheep are safely grazing
in the meadow called Fiddlers Mead,
bring me a jug of ale,
I have not patience left to plead.”
Later that terrible night,
in the light of the full moon,
drunken drovers started fighting,
it was over all too soon.
Our drover bleeding and staggering
with the bolt across the door,
fell into the fireplace,
drover and inn were no more!

Wishing you a good day. May your sheep never wander and your glass always be full

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Retired Tractor!

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Yesterday I started up our old David Brown tractor. When she was new and shiny she was on display at the East of England Show! Now her bonnet is pitted with rust, her windscreen is filthy and she sometimes can’t help but dribble oil. She is is also prone to bad moods, gross flatulence and doesn’t like getting up in the mornings…

We have an old tractor,
Her name is David Brown!
She’s now retired,
Doesn’t work upon the ground.
She’ll likely be seen,
Sawing up some wood,
She’d like to go ploughing,
I doubt if she could.
So she sits in the shed,
Doesn’t go anywhere,
It’s the tractor equivalent,
Of the high wing-back chair!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Downside of Pigsheds!

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Thirty-five years ago we had pigs on the farm. Unfortunately they became less and less profitable and so we became a stock-less, arable farm. The piggeries were turned into small industrial units, about double the size of a lock-up garage. Over the years we have had a variety of tenants from motorhome builders to motorbike breakers to picture framers to car repairers. Very seldom over this time have tenants surprised me, however there is always one who surpasses all others…

We had a crap tenant I’ll call him ‘Fred’,
did auto-repairs in our former pig shed.
One day he just up-sticked and left,
I have to say – leaving no-one bereft!
When we opened his former unit door,
it looked like landfill all over the floor.
I called in some help to clear out the place,
the smell and the filth was an utter disgrace.
Thanks to them all it’s ready to rent,
family labour is just Heaven sent!

The upside to this story is that a new tenant joins us this morning and the old tenant has moved to a unit in Birmingham. I have learned my lesson and am more choosy now. 

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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