About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

A Drill-Man’s Woes!

Posted on March 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s no fun being a drill-man! When drilling, it is vital that he is given the right size of the field. 0.32ha (0.78 acres) can make a great difference as we found out late last night when we ran out of seed with only a handkerchief-sized area unsown. If my legs were long enough, I’d kick myself…

A drill-mans life can sometimes be,
full of doubt and misery!
It comes about through calculations,
and sometimes rather damp cultivations.
It always helps him to know,
the correct acreage you need to sow,
this avoids that terrible need,
when late at night there’s no more seed.
Any drill-man worth his salt,
will always know it’s the farmers fault!

I woke up this morning was it just a dream?
I looked in the barn – not a single bean!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22^nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

March Dust!

Posted on March 16, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Farming is in many ways a game of chance. You don’t need to lecture a farmer about climate change as he is very aware of the differences between weather experienced in different years and seasons, let alone decades. For instance, there are few over-paid, over-pensioned, so-called climate ‘experts’ who would know about the phenomenon called ‘March Dust’…

‘March Dust is Worth a Kings Ransom’
or so they’ve always said.
It doesn’t happen many years,
so I’ve seen or read!
You get out the rolls,
to roll the wheat,
drive up and down,
on your tractor seat!
Then if you’re lucky,
(take this on trust!)
you may just notice,
some rare March Dust!

This may mean,
in many ways,
a farmer can shout:
“Happy Days!”

May you have a happy day and find some rare March Dust of your own!
Stay lucky and safe.

Francis and the Pigtails!

Posted on March 15, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday on the farm, relief tractor driver Francis was cultivating. It is worth noting two facts: One: He has cultivated more land in his time than most of us have had hot dinners. Two: Having fathered three boys, one would possibly consider that his knowledge of ‘pigtails’ was sparse. He may not be used to platting hair but his understanding of a ‘Pigtail’ cultivator is probably unrivaled…

Up and down the field he goes,
keeping the straightest uniform rows.
He’s done this job many times before,
today, yesterday and in days of yore!
Some may use an expensive machine,
he knows oldies are not what they seem.
Despite some rust and faded paint,
they get on with the job – ‘flash they ain’t!’
In summer you’ll find him checking yield
‘cos he’s out standing in his field!

Many thanks to Francis for stepping up to the plate, it’s great to have you back!

The Must-Ride Road

Posted on March 14, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The road outside the farm is the last straight overtaking area before it becomes winding and narrow with hairpin bends and adverse cambers. In other words a biker’s heaven. Unfortunately all too often it turns into a biker’s hell with ambulance crews picking up the pieces, police taking down evidence and fire crews left to wash the road. It is known as a ‘Must-Ride Road’. However add lorries, tractors and other traffic to crass stupidity and sadly it can become a ‘Must Die Road’…

Travelling down a local road,
empty Loadall no heavy load,
I’d cleaned the mirrors so I could see,
all around and what was behind me.
I indicated right for a field gateway,
two cars slowed some distance away,
I started to turn and suddenly spied,
a biker had appeared alongside.
How I missed him I’ll never know,
I’d done everything safely to see and show,
that’s no way to behave,
unless he sought an early grave.
So if you see a tractor beware:
it may be me – Please take care.

If you’re on the road on either two wheels or four today, please stay safe.
In the picture I was about to pull onto the road from the field track. The bike half-hidden had slowed down for the corner and was driving with great care, unlike the following four.

Mutual Benefits!

Posted on March 13, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Monday morning, the weather is mild and dry and all is well in the kitchen! The three dogs have been out, saluted the morning and are now glued to the warm Aga. The puppy (who we hope will soon grow up) is sharing a bed with our pensioner. They seem to have bonded well…

Our boisterous puppy,
likes to be seen,
with our old dog,
who’s seventeen!
Unfortunately,
it looks and appears,
she ignores his wisdom,
from all those years!
She rushes around,
our fenced garden,
crashes into him,
never says ‘pardon!’
Though when she settles,
not on full throttle,
she makes an excellent,
hot water bottle!

Have a great week, see you again tomorrow!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22^nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Rusty Brain Test!

Posted on March 10, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

My rusty old brain is complaining of overload as I prepare to take my PA6A test to qualify me to use a knapsack sprayer. Of course I’ve been using one since dinosaurs ruled the earth, but nowadays to comply with regulations, you have to have specific paper qualifications. So this afternoon I shall be at the mercy of an examiner who isn’t allowed to take my advanced years into account…

I’m busy revising this morning,
hoping to do my best,
later today I’ll be nervous,
when taking my PA6A test.
I’ve used a knapsack sprayer,
(‘grandfather rights’ are withdrawn these days)
my granddaughter thinks it’s hilarious,
“Back to school with you!” she says.

Have a great weekend. Why not take out your qualifications and give them a polish!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22^nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Disappearing Snowdrops

Posted on March 9, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Snowdrops are always such a welcome sight. When they first appear they offer hope for the new year and signal hope that spring is coming. When they are on the way out they look rather sad as their job is done for another year and other flowers take their place. Their role as talisman is one of sacrifice as the gardener anticipates fetching the mower from the shed…

The snowdrops that grow upon the lawn,
are starting to look rather forlorn.
Not long now they’ll disappear,
only to return next year.
Who knows what strife or joy there’ll be?
I guess we’ll have to wait and see!

Betty The Camel

Posted on March 8, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Recently my daughter, son in law and granddaughter visited a safari park. A camel approached their camper van. It soon became obvious that she was looking to escape as her questioning went from details about the interior to where they came from, how spacious were the seats and did they have a field and shelter at home? They ignored her pleas, smiled, and kept looking ahead despite her ever-increasing desperation…

Betty the camel has got the hump,
she has become a miserable frump.
Both her children are off her hands,
nobody cares nor understands.
Husband Frank is out to work,
to be quite honest he’s become a jerk,
monosyllabic and running to fat,
he can’t be bothered to remove his hat!
Mornings she spends drinking coffee,
bitching and moaning with her friend Lotte.
Afternoons until it gets dark,
she tries to escape the safari park.
Soon she’ll go home to make Frank’s tea,
then a bottle of wine and watch TV!
Her old mother used to say:
“Whatever you do there’s a bill to pay!”

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April 22^nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

48 Hours Drone Flying!

Posted on March 7, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I passed 48 hours flying time in my drone flight logbook. Surprisingly on my test flight yesterday (having updated the operating system), my normal ‘flight-mate’ Rodney the Red Kite was absent. However I think he’d passed on the responsibility as the drone was mocked by pigeons who took great delight in flying dangerously close…

It’s very satisfying,
having updated your drone,
you venture for a test flight,
and don’t crash it while at home!

You look for your flight-mate,
he’s nowhere to be seen,
he’s delegated some pigeons,
who fly like Steve McQueen!

How I didn’t hit them,
pluck them in the air,
dancing around the sky,
like feathered Fred Astaire!

Happy and safe drone flying out there!
A big thank-you to RUSTA for the excellent training which made me a safer flyer and enabled me to reach the hallowed turf of 48hrs flying time.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK 22^nd APRIL
From April 22^nd to mid October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Special Trip!

Posted on March 6, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

My son-in-law John (seen above with his favourite implement!) and his family have gone away in their camper van to celebrate a very important day. Daughter Marsya spent hours deciding which dolls (‘babies’) to take (I fear that she included the one that drinks and leaks!). They are now in their snug little ‘home away from home’ somewhere in the Midlands…

It’s son-in-law John’s birthday today,
it’s a big one I shouldn’t say.
Let’s just hint it rhymes with ‘naughty’,
as well as ‘sortie’ and of course ‘sporty!’
For his birthday with banners unfurled,
in the camper van to Dinosaur World!
No lie-in for daddy today,
“Here’s a doll it’s time to play!”
We wish you hours of a special ‘mirth-day’
and of course a ‘Happy Birthday!’

Happy Birthday John, hope you have a truly happy day.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.