About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Dinosaur at the Cinema!

Posted on March 2, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning at breakfast my granddaughter and I were discussing dinosaurs (as one does!). Being unable to consider anything serious before at least ten o-clock, I began to feel that my additions to the discussion were not being valued. Her eyes rolled and comments like “be serious, that’s not true” and loud tutting echoed around the room…

Never sit behind a dinosaur at the cinema,
they block your view of the screen.
They slurp away at their bucket of drink,
and splatter you with ice cream!
They roar with disapproval at baddies,
sigh at the romantic slushy part,
suddenly a very rushed exit,
run out of time in the car park!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Hibernating Hornets!

Posted on March 2, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was splitting wood on the log splitter. Part of the tree that I was splitting was rotten to the point where the wood under a part of the bark could have been described as being ‘earthy’. It was in one of these sections that I discovered hibernating hornets. This discovery led me to ponder my previous meeting with these vicious insects…

Many years ago on the island of Malta,
A young cadet’s future did nearly falter.
Out on the range grasping a sub-machine gun,
I didn’t see the hornet but was stung on the bum!

“Safety catch off” was my last fainting shout,
as I slid to the floor I had passed out,
The machine gun on auto I didn’t hear,
As bullets screamed past the surprised sergeant’s ear!

So when I found hornets while splitting firewood,
I dispatched the hibernators, as I knew I should.
To safeguard my family when in front of the fire,
no guilt did I feel remembering that ancient live fire!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

non-P.C. Pancake!

Posted on March 1, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday was Shrove Tuesday, here in the UK (and possibly where you live too?) it was also Pancake Day. While we rarely eat them at other times, we make up with pancake-gluttony on this particular day and they are my granddaughters firm favourite. One such day, when our children were small, while I was out on the snowplough, my mother-in-law spent over an hour at a pancake production line feeding them and many of their friends who could not pass the farm drive due to the depth of snow on the road. Everyone has a different topping, Personally I await a visit from the Politically-Correct Diet Police…

In my defence it’s just once a year,
a family tradition at that!
But on my pancake I have Golden Syrup,
I plead guilty as to the fact.
A little lemon to add some bitter,
some butter – guilty again!
But under ‘mitigating circumstances’
it’ll be a year before I do it again!

…and today’s another day!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Tuesday Morning Panic!

Posted on February 28, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Tuesday mornings always involve some element of panic as Mrs Bard and I are responsible for a school run. Years ago when this was an everyday occurrence it posed no threat to order. However as now I’m fulfilling grandfatherly duties it spells panic as I rush around, although the hens on the farm don’t understand…

“There he goes a-rushing round,
don’t see his feet touch the ground,
if he were like us he’d know,
to take life gently as we go!
He’s let out the dogs, rushed up the drive,
very soon his charge will arrive.
The geese and we, wait patiently,
will we get breakfast? We’ll wait and see!”

Not Racing Green!

Posted on February 27, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I drove a Citroen. It was bright green, as bright as you could get in the mid-seventies. It may have been a strange colour but you could always find it in a full car park. Recently I saw a rather more expensive car in almost the same colour, it took me back in time…

If I bought a Bentley,
what colour should I have?
Doesn’t want to be garish,
don’t want to look a Chav!
British Racing Green,
is what is suggested,
that is for old men,
recommendation is rejected!

I could go for black,
old fashioned and demure,
or possibly russett brown,
the colour of manure!
Then I saw my choice,
on a Citroen 2cv,
and all at once I knew,
bright green was just for me!

I took it to a bootsale,
parked in a grass pitch (large!)
They thought I had no car,
perfect camouflage!

Tony and Doris!

Posted on February 24, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

We had some friends to stay. One of them had served time at a college for journalists in the seventies near the town of Harlow. We decided to share his reminiscences and visit some of his old haunts near Sawbridgeworth. Strangely enough this included a rather attractive pub. Suitably refreshed we made an acquaintance with Doris who was just passing at the time…

When sharing varied memories of a student past,
others in the room just see today!
Journalistic recollections make a good article,
papers are now free no need to pay!
All of a sudden in the middle of a sentence,
the lights in the bar began to blink,
out in the car park leaves began to rustle,
“Is that Storm Doris do you think?”
Hightailing it back to Baldock reminiscence over,
trees on local roads begin to fall,
roads are impassable media is excitable,
Have things changed? He doesn’t think much at all!
Hope you have a great weekend untroubled by wind!
If you want good food and great service and you’re in the Sawbridgeworth area, why not try The Thatchers, Hatfield Heath, CM22 7DU? We did and we’ll go back once the wind has dropped! https://www.thethatcherspub.com

The Yeti Generation!

Posted on February 23, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I have noticed that amongst those newly-retired of my generation there is a tendency to drive a make of car that thirty years ago would have not been considered. The new darling of the Sixty-plus is the Skoda Yeti. Nearing retirement, get your order in now…

We’re the Yeti Generation,
we remember better times!
Sunny summer days,
and poetry that rhymes.
Now many are retired,
we enjoy a scotch and soda!
And of course its obligatory,
we have to drive a Skoda!

Pensions at the ready folks, follow the trend to the Czech Republic!

Spring Cleaning!

Posted on February 22, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m often being asked, ‘What do you do during the winter?’. One important job is to deep-clean the grain store. Once this is done it can be inspected and we can be ‘Crop Assured’. This means every load of crop that leaves the farm can carry a ‘Crop Assured’ sticker on the paperwork. That load will be traceable, at any stage, back to this farm and the customer can be assured that I’ve done things right and followed all the rules…

For the last few weeks,
we have been,
giving the grain store,
its annual deep clean.
First we sweep,
then sweep again,
not a bad job,
during winter rain.
Elevators, tunnels,
conveyors too,
all have to be clean,
almost as new!
Then it’s inspected,
to make sure it’s clean,
and we can sell crops,
so traceability’s seen!
So that’s why my hair looks so grey, it doesn’t need colouring, it’s just dust. (That’s my explanation and I’m sticking to it!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Using Your Oko!

Posted on February 21, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The first time I heard the phrase ‘Get your Oko up’ was when I worked on a Cambridgeshire farm in the seventies. The phrase meant to use anger to accomplish a job that was either unpleasant or needed extra strength. Yesterday I had one of those jobs to do and used anger to help me…

I had some sawn up logs to move,
nobody near – nothing to prove,
and so I needed extra strength,
for large cut rounds and corded length

Before I started a cold-call rude,
helped to put me in the mood,
and as I lifted the heavy wood,
my back was questioning if I should!

I remembered something that made me cross,
the wood became light as candy floss!
All I can say it goes to show,
use up that Oko you’ll be nice to know!

Have a good day and use that Oko to the best effect!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Monday Morning Mess!

Posted on February 20, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Monday mornings always seem to come as a shock. Despite knowing for many hours that it was on its way it still surprises. In our case it doesn’t help that we have a naughty puppy that’s not a puppy anymore. All the food she inhails seems to turn to naughtiness in her stomach. Then when she is caught being bad she puts on ‘sorry’ display to rival that of a West-End actor…

Monday morning the kitchen’s a mess,
the puppy had gone berserk,
bed-stuffing was scattered all over the room,
and I had to get to work.
“Bad Puppy!” I whispered under my breath,
“Grrr, you are so bad!”
and then I gave her a biscuit,
my telling off made her look sad!
So on my hands and knees to tidy,
before coffee or cereal or toast,
and suddenly I had a lick on my nose,
it seems she loves me the most!

Enjoy your Monday, stay safe and happy out there!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

The Dinosaur at the Cinema!

Hibernating Hornets!

non-P.C. Pancake!

Tuesday Morning Panic!

Not Racing Green!

Tony and Doris!

The Yeti Generation!

Spring Cleaning!

Using Your Oko!

Monday Morning Mess!