About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Back to the Classroom!

Posted on February 1, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Wednesday February 1st will go down in history as the day sprayer-trainer Gary Lander attempted the impossible – namely getting yours truly ready for a PA6 Sprayer Test. Unfortunately, despite making copious notes, I am not confident that I will pass the test in a couple of weeks time. Methinks I should start to look for ye-olde-lucky-rabbit-foot before it’s too late…

Today I’ve spent most of the day in school,
seeing if they could teach new tricks to this fool,
I’ve used a knapsack sprayer for many years,
I’ve not been certified or so it appears.
So I joined a group of farmers in a class,
to prepare for a test I hope I’ll pass,
If I pass (and it will take a wing and a pray-er)
I’ll legally use my knapsack sprayer!
Thanks to Gary and all at North Herts Farmers, also to all the other farmers for putting up with me! Good luck to all taking any test of any sort today, I know you’ll pass!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Sign Of Old Age!

Posted on January 31, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I had a family outing to Luton. I hear you saying, “Luton, why Luton?” We went along with my 4 year-old granddaughter to Stockwell Discovery Centre: museums, exhibitions, gardens and excellent cafe! (If you find yourself with some time to spare in the area, I highly recommend a visit) On the way around the museum (where I saw many displays I remember from my youth!), I saw a sign that I should have worn around my neck just a few days before…

January’s a strange month,
on an arable farm,
mostly office-bound,
manual work hurts the arm!
If you have a busy day,
you tend to feel your age,
end up bent in half,
like an ancient Roman sage!
But in Stockwood Museum,
a sign I liked so much,
“I am old…
…Please do not touch!”

If you’re bending or lifting today, please take care, you’re not as young as you used to be!

Small Room Reading!

Posted on January 30, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Every so often I get a polite sales call from Kate who works for an agricultural supply firm called Spaldings. Most times I thank her for the call and attempt to convince her that the catalogue is always by my side. The other day I was consulting the tome whilst doing other things and it got left behind. The catalogue was discovered later in the smallest room…

Many farmers read,
Whilst on ‘the throne’
farming magazines,
or those for the home!
A recent guest,
(agri-knowledge sparse!)
said he’d enjoyed,
my book of spare parts!

So Kate from Saplings,
just to show,
Your catalogue’s found,
Where others don’t go!

With best wishes to all at Spaldings and all other supply companies on this January morning.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Shopping By Button!

Posted on January 26, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening Mrs Bard and I were browsing our favourite internet shopping site when we came across electronic buttons for sale! For a fiver you can have a button that, when pressed, will auto-order the required item from the site. So you’d have a washing powder button next to the washing machine, a cereal button in the cereal cupboard and in the toilet…

No longer without loo roll will we be,
auto-ordering’s the future you see!
A button placed right next to the loo,
press it once for toilet paper new!

My granddaughter came to us to stay,
I didn’t explain the button away,
When she was sent up to bed,
pressed it many times instead!

A lorry turned up at the farm,
all quite normal no alarm,
fetched the forklift as requested,
ten tons of loo roll not expected!

NB. This is just fiction, I don’t (yet) have a button for ordering loo roll (although one for chocolate could be handy!). All best congratulations to the shopping site for their innovation, I just wish I’d had the idea first!

The Risk Assessment!

Posted on January 25, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had a visit from two members of staff from a local school to look at our woodland prior to visits from their school. It was a fine afternoon, the late January sun shone and the local deer put on a display of synchronised-running-away for us. When I returned to the office I updated my risk assessment from topics discussed on the walk. I’m a great believer in risk assessments as they do more to get you thinking about dangers than pure legislation. So with apologies to the writer of ‘Teddy Bear’s Picnic’…

If you go down to the woods today
You’re sure of a big surprise
For you will find lurking there
Risks you’ll not realise
Trip hazards abound
Where brambles are found
You find yourself flat on the ground
Another risk for your risk assessment!

Have a good Wednesday and stay safe out there!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Under Observation!

Posted on January 23, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

I was sent to fetch a few items from our local supermarket. Alas this simple task with list is an almost impossible task as my ‘Oh look, there’s a squirrel’ mind is easily distracted. I was just contemplating a purchase for the next big event in April when I felt I was being watched…

My shopping list had three items,
cream, salt and some butter,
“this can’t possibly be just all,”
I was heard to mutter!
I reached an aisle full of chocolate,
‘Think Easter’ it seemed to say,
I felt I was under observation,
so guiltily I walked away!

I recently read that scientists have discovered that chocolate is better for you than traditionally thought. I now have a medical excuse to return!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The JCB Loadall’s Unique Job!

Posted on January 20, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Our farm’s JCB Loadall has been used for many operations. From loading grain, mending fences, hoisting people up to clean gutters to rescuing my drone from a tree and loading fertiliser and seed. Yesterday saw it on an unique mission…

From the Loadall:
“I never know what I’m going to do,
It leads to an interesting life,
most of the time I’m around the farm,
with Farmer Bard or his wife!
But sometimes I have an interesting job,
I’ve never done before,
yesterday I took a new altar to church,
(I was to large to get through the door!)
I carried it down to the church on my tines,
taking care to not let it fall
they then carried it through the church door,
a unique job for a yellow Loadall”.

Have any of your farm implements ever partaken in a unique mission? Maybe your Landrover is crying out for something new or your tractor yearns to turn new corners!
© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Shepherd’s Delight!

Posted on January 19, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening I watched with wonder as nature put on a wonderful light show. For some reason I thought of shepherds and their skills of forecasting weather. Sometimes it is simply impossible to improve on old sayings or verse by others, so this morning I shall repeat a verse by that famous poet, Anon:

Red sky at night,
shepherd’s delight,
Red sky in the morning,
shepherd’s warning,
Minced lamb and mashed potato,
shepherds pie!

Wishing all shepherds out there a very good morning, may your huts be cozy and your pie tasty! Thanks to Anon for the verse!

Baldock Bard

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Burrowing Puppy!

Posted on January 18, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

When you have a puppy in the house you realise that there are over a million ways in which you can be surprised! From chewed shoes to missing clothes and surprises under the table. Our puppy has already gained a degree from the Open University in removing stuffing from dog beds and scattering it all over the kitchen floor. However that was nothing compared to what came next…

Having removed the stuffing from her bed,
our puppy decided to replace it instead…
…with her head!
Deftly she climbed in through the hole,
as if it were a grassy knoll…
…and she a mole!

Enjoy your day as we enjoy clearing up stuffing from every room!

Marital Differences in the Bathroom!

Posted on January 17, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

In every good marriage there are differences between parties. Some are tolerated and some drive the partner screaming from the room at warp speed ten! I am lucky that in the bathroom, Mrs Bard puts up with my strange behaviour…

I like to lie in a bath,
Mrs Bard hops into a shower,
she takes just minutes,
I can soak for an hour!
When I get out my aches are all gone,
My knees and elbows are great,
But my supper can be rather cold,
After a long time on the plate!

Whether shower or bath… enjoy!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

Back to the Classroom!

The Sign Of Old Age!

Small Room Reading!

Shopping By Button!

The Risk Assessment!

Under Observation!

The JCB Loadall’s Unique Job!

Shepherd’s Delight!

The Burrowing Puppy!

Marital Differences in the Bathroom!