About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Dental Pain!

Posted on January 16, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many things in life worse than toothache. However, for a man to lie awake in the middle of the night with groaning option removed for fear of awaking his beloved, things can seem pretty bleak…

I have toothache,
I lie awake,
can’t ring the dentist,
’till half past eight!

Go to the bathroom,
oil of cloves,
the pungent smell,
irritates my nose!

Take a pain-killer,
such a bore,
suddenly asleep,
toothache no more!

By the morning,
what tooth? What pain?
Chomp on some toast,
it’s back again!

I’m not bad tempered,
(or so I say!)
Just want this toothache,
to go away!

With best wishes to my long-suffering dentist, please be gentle!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Art of Saving Fingers!

Posted on January 11, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon I chopped some kindling for our log-burner with my hand-axe as I was too lazy to fetch the tractor and log-splitter from the shed. As I was wielding the hatchet, I remembered to hold the log with a small stick and remembered an old farmworker, who showed me many years ago how to save fingers…

There’s something quite therapeutic,
Chopping kindling with a small axe,
So long as you remember your fingers,
They don’t care for bladed attacks!

On a farm when I was not twenty,
If working near a wood with a gang,
First thing Old Frank would chop firewood,
“We need to keep warm if we can!”

He’d cut a small stick as ‘a holder’,
To safely hold the wood (always planned!),
Then down would crash the billhook,
And his fingers would remain on his hand!

Wednesday Safety Alert: Be careful out there if using an axe today.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Old Friend!

Posted on January 10, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

January on the farm can be a stressful time. Following the festivities, reality strikes and you’re forced to review the future and make predictions that, if wrong, can seriously affect your business. However, if you are lucky, there is an old friend lurking in the cupboard…

Lurking in the cupboard I found an old friend,
the sweet brown contents would help me no end!
I’d spent the day on a forward cash-flow,
and needed something to help the figures grow!
I took a chunk (I didn’t dare take a bite!)
and all of a sudden things looked alright!
No difference in figures driving me around the bend,
but feeling happier thanks to my chocolate friend!

It then led me to ponder a most valuable crop – Cocoa Beans! (unfortunately not available here in the UK), but one is allowed to dream whilst eating chocolate! It is also the perfect way to forget those New Year resolutions.

Harvest Crisis Averted!

Posted on January 6, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Whilst researching on everyone’s favourite search engine for ‘When is Twelfth Night?’ I came across some useful facts. Most of these didn’t help in the decision to panic and eject the Christmas tree out of the back door, but one fact did possibly help shine a light on my poor wheat yields…

‘Take down all decorations by Twelfth Night,
or bad things will happen, won’t be right!
So we took down our decorations,
(some were made by Croatians!)
Dragged the tree out with some success,
more needles than the NHS!
and so it lies all forlorn,
before being deposited on the lawn.
This once-regal nordic tree,
now looks as sad as sad can be.
No lights, no tinsel or decorations await,
off for re-cycling near Baldock Gate!
Decorations packed away by midnight,
all in boxes out of sight,
‘If not by midnight’ spake the curse,
‘This years harvest will be your worst!’

Phew! Job done, harvest crisis averted!

Trouser Tom!

Posted on January 5, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago an old man who used to regularly visit our Saturday Car Boot Sales stood next to me and farted. Being polite I took no notice. He admitted later that he had a ‘fart machine’ in his pocket, when the button was pressed the trumpet would sound! It was very realistic and whenever he used it he’d laugh as if were the funniest thing in the world. The other day I had cause to remember him and realised it was at least ten years since I’d seen him. So ‘Trouser Tom’ wherever you are (either ‘up’ or ‘down’ as you used to say), thank’s for the memory, this one’s for you…

I like to fart,
it does not smell,
at least as far,
as I can tell

After beans,
cabbage or sprout,
just lift a cheek,
and one slips out.

So if I fart,
(noise from a zoo),
I’ll look around,
and blame you!

Dedicated to Trouser Tom, a great practical joker with a big laugh, who slipped silently from this world in November 2006 RIP.

The Jump Start!

Posted on January 4, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a sound heard on some farms after the Christmas break that reminds the farmer that machines have lain idle over the Christmas/New Year break. I went out to the shed to get the Loadall to sweep up some oats and it made that infuriating sound. I think it is cross at the inaction over the holidays…

“Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra, Ra-ra-ra-ra-ra
I’m not going to start,
you can give me all the heat you like,
It’s your fault we’ve been apart!
You’ve stuffed yourself with turkey,
trifle and the odd minced tart,
while I’m abandoned in the shed,
you’d better fetch the powered jump start!”

This is dedicated to all those who are having trouble getting back to normal after the holidays (just like me!)
N.B. It wasn’t the JCB Loadall’s fault it wouldn’t start – someone had left the ignition switched on and I’m looking around to share the blame but am standing alone!!

A Proper Farmer At Last!

Posted on January 3, 2017 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago when I worked on a dairy farm, the cowman, Sam, told me that on a ‘proper farm’, the cowman had the softest hands! Of course his idea of a ‘proper farm’ included animals and in particular cows. Every day he used udder cream on the cows udders and, by default, on his hands with remarkable results. This Christmas, a friend obviously thought I needed to pay some attention to my hands and gave me some Farmers Hand Cream, a chance to be a proper farmer…

Look closely at my farm,
no animals will you view,
just some arable acres,
Wheat, oats and beans too!
I’m now a proper farmer,
as I’ve got Farmers Hand Cream,
I’ll have the softest farmer hands,
in Twenty-Seventeen!

Wishing you all a very Happy New Year wherever in the world you may be.
Want to be a proper farmer? Pop along to www.welshlavender.com and your dream will come true (as did mine!)

Royston Roy’s Rocket!

Posted on December 30, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Many notable events have taken place on the field where we hold our Saturday Car Boot Sales just outside Baldock. We have had dog shows, charity fun runs, proposals and falling-outs! However one of the more obscure events just recently was the launching of a space rocket by Rocket Roy from Royston…

The countdown started at Mission Control,
(the Launch Director munched on a sausage roll!)
The un-manned rocket sat ready to go,
the crowd stood silently all in a row!
“Ten-Nine-Eight-Seven then Six,”
You could hear a spectator bite on a Twix!
Then all of a sudden there was a roar,
flames erupted across the grassy floor!
Slowly the rocket began to rise,
the Launch Director choked with surprise!
Rocket Roy threw his cap in the air,
“A successful launch I declare!
Now if you’d now like to follow me,
we’ll enjoy a celebratory cup of tea!”
…160 miles away in Old Brighouse,
confusion is caused by a smashed greenhouse!

Enjoy your day but always remember, what goes up must come down!
Some facts here may not be real (serving suggestion only).
Thank you to Royston Roger (aged 3) for todays photo!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Ice Road Trucker

Posted on December 29, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

A friend recently admitted that when she couldn’t sleep she would creep downstairs and watch ‘Ice Road Truckers’ in the middle of the night. Having given the therapeutic nature of such a programme some thought, I came up with these words, not to mock, but to show that we all have our unique ways to help us through dark nights…

Meek and mild Martha on the school run,
respectable, maternal and full of fun.
Once ‘Kids Away’ with their packed-lunch tucker,
she becomes ‘Merciless Martha the Ice Road Trucker!’

She doesn’t care there’s no sixteen-wheeler,
her imaginary truck’s a saddened-girly-healer,
with her truckers cap perched on her pretty head,
she drives the frozen wastes around Maidenhead!

With love to all the Martha’s,’The road will get ya!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Innocent Puppy?

Posted on December 28, 2016 by The Baldock Bard.

Having relaxed after our guests left on Boxing Day, yesterday was a day of tidying up. Unfortunately our puppy had other ideas, yet when it came to shouldering responsibility, put on the sweetest angelic face and denied all knowledge of the mess…

Yesterday morning,
we started clearing up.
Would have been easier
without a naughty pup!
There was a large bag,
of torn wrapping paper,
scattered over the floor,
it did me no favour!
In the middle,
sat the pup:
“It wasn’t me,
I’ve just got up!”
The old dog sighed,
all he had to say:
“Wasn’t there room
On Santa’s sleigh?”

If you are still clearing up after a merry time and looking for a distraction, would you like some four-legged help?

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

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