About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Ye Olde England Roads!

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lorriesYesterday I drove to Newark to collect an aged relative. Virtually the whole journey was on the A1 trunk road and the majority of this was just two-lane dual carriageway. A short stretch, near Peterborough, widened to four-lane. Updating the A1 has been ignored for many years, leading to irritation and frustration…

I come to a hill and there up front,
a dual between two trucks,
both are crawling at fifty-five,
this A1 road just sucks.

The traffic builds up behind them,
in my mirror show,
There should have been another lane,
over twenty years ago.

One is hauling local grain,
the other from Timbuktu,
In the distance I see flashing lights,
an ambulance is held up too.

It’s too late to change the road,
no hope for improvement now,
anti-everything environmentalists
and no European cash-cow!

In years to come visitors to this country will use the term ‘quaint’ to describe our roads. On holiday, holdups give them a greater view of ‘Ye Olde England’ from their coach window.The frustration of professional hauliers and drivers is unsurprising.

*The picture was taken by my dash-cam, no children or animals were used in the staging of this photo.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Swooping Seagulls Follow the Plough!

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seagullsYesterday afternoon I was not alone while ploughing. It was obvious that the Brighton and Hove Albion football team (nickname the Seagulls) weren’t playing as they were all watching me, circling the tractor, swooping and diving onto suddenly exposed worms in the furrow…

Brighton and Hove Albion,
can’t have been playing,
on Sunday afternoon.
Most of their fans,
we’re watching me ploughing
“This free buffet’s a boon!”

“Really don’t like the look of his furrows,
much better on the farm next door,
And judging by the taste of his worms,
His seasoning is very poor!”

All of a sudden at 3:45
the spectacle is over
They’ve all gone
with great aplomb
To watch cross-channel ferries at Dover

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Difficult Field!

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DCIM100MEDIADJI_0017.JPG

Ploughing is all about straight furrows (or so says the book I am reading in an attempt to improve). This is relatively easy until you come to circumnavigate an electric pole or pond in the middle of a field…

Whoever decided the shapes of the fields,
certainly didn’t think of the plough,
as this one seen from my drone,
is the one we’re ploughing now!
Seventeen corners six electric poles,
then you throw in a pond,
I can’t even ask anyone anymore,
it’s designer’s in the ‘Land of Beyond!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Service Interval

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Oliver LPI walked out into the yard the other morning and came face to face with what looked like a siege situation. Two large yellow vans were blocking the door into the barn. I approached with caution…

Two yellow vans block the shed door,
not a scene I’d witnessed before!
I approached with caution (unlike me!)
They’d come to service the JCB!
Now completed I can’t ask for more,
the tractor runs better than it did before,
the only problem that they couldn’t plan,
was to grease the joints of this old man!

With thanks to the two engineers from Oliver Landpower for using their skills to the max!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Clean Sweep!

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SweepOn one of the warmest summer days I awarded myself the job of sweeping out bins of wheat to transfer next door to the large barn in preparation for movement by haulier. It’s one those jobs that you can’t wait to get done, the reward at the end spurs you on to greater effort…

Sweeping wheat out of the bin
on a very hot day what a state you’re in!
Wearing a mask is a must,
to save your lungs from choking dust!
At last you find the bin is clear,
hair is itchy with chaff I fear.
It’s down my back, my neck itches,
shouldn’t wear shorts should wear britches!
Soon be time (please don’t laugh!),
to plunge myself into a welcome bath.
When I get out “I’m clean” I boast,
better clean the bath or I’ll be toast!
Really no need to act so smug,
as grains of wheat go down the plug!
The bath is clean, no more smear,

…I think it’s time 
FOR A POST-SWEEPING BEER!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Mechanic’s Hand!

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NutYesterday I spent over half an hour attempting to put a nut on a bolt in a very small space on the plough. When done in the factory it must have been a very different matter or one man would have continually held up the production line. In the end I managed to squeeze my little finger in from the other end and achieve some turns with a spanner. It set me thinking…

I need an eye on the end of this finger,
a spanner on the next,
a pneumatic gun,
on the end of my thumb,
and I wouldn’t be so vexed!

Mending a plough isn’t easy,
more bolts than an unruly horse,
if there were fewer,
the air less bluer,
It would be too easy of course!

I just pray that I don’t break the plough in the same place today. If I do, I’ll attempt to train a spider to do up that nut – could be interesting! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Drain Dilemmas!

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DrainsI sometimes wish I lived in a new-build house on an estate in a town. Yesterday was one such day. I wonder if you simply ‘Flush and Forget’? The contents of the toilet magically whisked away, out of sight and out of mind to a public facility beyond the range of view and smell. Unfortunately mains drainage (like fast broadband) has yet to reach this outpost of civilisation, just 35 miles north of Marble Arch in London. When there is a problem, out come the draining rods…

I lift the lid,
the problem is clear,
there’s no movement it would appear.
I assemble the rods,
each measures a yard,
locate the outlet that’s what’s hard.
Because the drain,
itself is full,
I’ll have to push as opposed to pull.
An hour of pushing,
this splattering smell,
Please someone release me from this hell!
Then all of a sudden,
a belching sound,
the obstruction has moved way underground.
There’s a satisfaction
no town-dweller knows,
when the smelly stuff suddenly flows!

“Fill the bath, flush the loo”
I shout to my daughter,
At last the sight of clean flowing water!

An hour later the problem is forgotten and my thoughts of a modern house with public sewage works fade back into the deep recesses of my mind, ready for the next time!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Silent Skies

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SwallowsIt is strange how when visitors leave you immediately notice the silence. This morning there is silence in the farmyard. Overnight the swallows, that provided a backdrop to our lives with their acrobatic flying, swooping after insects and constant chattering, have left on their long migration to Africa…

The departure lounge has been busy,
preparation to say ‘Goodbye’,
as these plucky little birds,
prepare to take to the sky.
They’ll fly down across Europe,
up to 200 miles in a day,
At night in huge flocks,
in reed beds they will stay.
After about six weeks,
in Namibia they will be,
and locals will likely say,
“The first swallow of summer I see!”

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Last Ploughman in the Village

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John's GraveOn Tuesday, in our little village, we laid a Son of the Soil to rest. I was asked to give a eulogy. It is always difficult but when it is the end of an era it is all the more poignant. I have reproduced some of what I said here, not as some sort of self-promotion, but as a testament to John C…

We are here today not only to say ‘goodbye’ to John, but to mark the end of an era.
Many folk in this modern world would find it unimaginable for somebody to spend their whole life in one place, working on the same farm.
That is what John C. did. He arrived in the village aged 18 months when his father got a job on the neighbouring farm to here with my great-uncle who was the tenant. He left only a few weeks ago when he was overtaken by illness aged 91.
John loathed modernity. He never had need of a passport or used a computer and only considered a phone when his mother became ill.
He was a skilled ploughman and was of that first generation to cross from using horse-power to tractor-power.
He was as much a part of the farm as the ashes, oaks and Hornbeam trees in the woods. He took pride in the local history and surroundings, loving those areas on the farm unseen by most but loved by him.

He was a great story-teller.
Two of his favourites include explosions…

Story One
During the early stages of the Second World War a team arrived with traction engines to plough up a field on the farm that had been pasture since time immemorial. One traction engine was on the headland by the Great Wood and the other on the far side of the field. The plough was winched between the two by steel hawser. To get that bit of extra horsepower the men would tie down the safety valves with string. Both crews would meet for their beaver break (local terminology for mid morning snack) in the middle of the field.
One day a crew, during their beaver break, forgot to untie the string on the safety valve and the resultant explosion was heard for miles.
Thankfully nobody was hurt.
Story Two
During the latter days of the Second World War a V2 rocket landed on the farm. Because it was just over the brow of the hill, the resultant explosion only cracked windows on the cottages and farmhouse. However there were smashed windows over four miles away at Letchworth. You can still see the enormous hole in the hill today.

With much of modern farming, men arrive with massive machines with one aim: To reach the far corner of each field as quickly and efficiently as possible. Computers judge that efficiency by mapping everything from progress to yield. Operators may know the names of the fields and hectarage, but little else. The history and origins of those fields are superfluous to their needs. Without local men on the farm, particularly ploughman, whose progress across the fields was slow, we are losing that detailed knowledge of the land that has been handed-down over the generations.

We are saying goodbye to John today, a man who lived and understood the land that he worked, the whole of his working life was a testament to this green and pleasant land.
That is why this is the end of an era, 

John was ‘The Last Ploughman in the Village’.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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Birthday Blues

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D&S 70402 4 (1)Ask most fathers about their most memorable moment of wonderment and joy and they’ll bore you into submission about the birth of a child. Thirty-six years ago today I had the first of such amazing days that left me feeling as if I could walk on air. My son David was born in what is now Waitrose in Hitchin, Hertfordshire. What a truly memorable and joyful day.

Today it is a day of tears and loss in our family. the continual disbelief that someone so special could be killed by a drunk driver at the age of twenty-two, some thirteen years ago.
This day now involves a sort of ‘mourning sickness’, a dry physical retching that can strike at random, but most of all on a day like today. But having said all this, we, along with many others, have millions of very happy memories of him that also supercharge our day and add back celebration to a birthday.

So please spare a though for David today by taking time to tell someone you love them. Give someone a call that you haven’t spoken to in a long time or simply smile at a stranger – you never know, it might just make their day special.

Happy Birthday David, love you.
IMG_9512© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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