Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Captured by Dashcam!

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Carcam1Have you ever invested in technology only to find it has a nasty vindictive streak? Like millions of others, we are proud owners of a dashcam. This cheeky little devil sits attached to the windscreen and records hour upon hour of road just in case you need the evidence for a future insurance claim. However this must-buy recorder has a nasty side…

Last Saturday morning,
just after 4.30,
a desperate phone call,
“you should be alerty,
the gate is still locked,
we’re parked on the road,
can you let us in,
to your bootsale abode?”

I grabbed the car keys,
How could I be late?
I’d forgotten to unlock,
the ‘effin green gate!
Later I remembered,
the camera-stored file,
no escaping my guilt,
until ‘delete’ in a while!

Have a great weekend and if you’re coming to the bootsale rest assured that the gate is well and truly open!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Creeper Festival!

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Creeper1In certain parts of the world there are celebrations to coincide with harvests of all kinds. Celebratory feasts are cooked, wine is consumed and fairgrounds spin! I’ve always thought there should be a festival for cutting Virginia Creeper. This fast-growing house-coverer was much loved by the Victorians. According to old photos they just let it grow. They obviously didn’t have a JCB with a cage…

Once a year around harvest time,
when the daily weather is fair and fine,
I put Mrs Bard into a cage,
and hoist her up, it’s all the rage!
Once hoisted up the secateured reaper,
trims the house of Virginia Creeper!
She cuts around the swallows nest,
they’ve flown out line abreast!
The job is done leaves a nice clear wall
now’s the time for our Creeper Festival!
Creeper2© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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My Father at 90!

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OM ScooterYesterday my father had his 90th birthday. At his party I was going to read out a silly verse ‘wot I had rit!’ However I chickened out at the last moment and substituted it with some inadequate words. Now wish I had taken the plunge…

My old man is 90,
Still wears a farmer’s cap,
He gets up at silly-o-clock,
To feed his purring cat!

He hasn’t got a horse no more,
He rides a scooter now,
He potters in his little garden,
A trowel replaced the tractor plough!

On his scooter to the shops,
He greets all folk with glee,
They all say, “What a gent,
He finds time to chat to me!”

So today he reaches 90,
And I’m very glad,
That all I really need to say,
Is “Happy Birthday Dad!”

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Dusty Harvest!

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Combine1Yesterday, after a few set-backs, we started harvest. It always lifts the farmer’s soul as the giant machines bring to an end his annual toil. Whether the yield is good or bad, one can always marvel as these leviathans lay bare the fields, along with a little dust…

Air-conditioning is a must,
when you work in choking dust,
It can make a farmer frown,
and wonder why he washed the combine down!
In the morning it was showroom clean,
observe these pictures, know what I mean,
But you can guess how farmers are,
with something worth more than a Ferrari car!

Combine2© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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T’was The Night Before Harvest!

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Harvest SkyDespite a carefully planned run-up to harvest, the smallest thing can ruin preparations. Everything is ready and a tiny sensor, connected to the mainframe computer of the combine, decides to say ‘NO!’ There is little you can do but admire a glorious sunset. As they say ‘Tomorrow is Another Day!’…

Twas the night before harvest and all across the farm,
most things were ready, no sense of alarm;
The tractors were fuelled-up and all set to go,
Barns have been swept, brushed to and fro.
But what is this? Something’s not right,
Broken sensor for the combine, “From Germany overnight?”
So wait for the morning when all will be smart,
After a hiccup by computer, our harvest should start!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Memory Lane!

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2cvI have an admission to make. Many years ago I drove the world’s most boring car at the time, a Citroen 2CV. Looking back, in terms of being trendy, it was the motoring equivalent of a pair of hippy slippers. However, seeing one in a carpark the other day, I came over all nostalgic as I remembered the open roof, micro-engine and play-ground suspension…

I think I liked my 2CV,
it’s a very long time ago you see,
I’d drive long distances with a prayer:
‘No long hills between here and there!’
However when the weather was fine,
I’d open the roof and enjoy sunshine.
In the winter other’s smirked,
because the heater never worked.
Around each corner the little tike,
leant over further than a motorbike!
But in a carpark the other week,
I felt nostalgic for this memory leak!

Have a great day and enjoy the weekend sunshine, a perfect time for a ride out in a 2CV!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Hold Onto Your Hat!

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Bert's HatI was by the road the other day when I filmed an old car driving past. At the time I couldn’t work out what was so special about the moment. Downloading the clip later I realized that very few people these days cling onto their cap when motoring…

Hold onto your hat Bert,
we’re doing nearly forty,
in the days of our youth,
such speeds would be naughty!
Youngsters these days,
have just no idea,
seatbelts and airbags,
never known fear!
You and I Bert,
we both know the score,
I bet they won’t be driving,
when they’re ninety-four!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Honey Bees and the Naughty Pig!

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HoneySome friends came to lunch yesterday and bought a wonderful pot of honey from their hives. I’m afraid, like most things, I’m useless with bees, they seem to treat me like a pin-cushion and it hurts! Many years ago we were loading pigs when one escaped the lorry…

We were loading pigs up for export,
(for breeding abroad they were bred),
when one escaped from the ramp,
disappeared round the back of the shed.

It’s gruntings became ever quieter,
It was chased by the driver and Tom,
All over a sudden there was a shout,
“Look Out! The bee hives have gone!”

Back running came the driver,
old Tom was running with ease,
the pig overtaking them both,
All three being chased by the bees!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Saturday Rose!

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RoseOccasionally, when I have no obvious subject for my daily blog, I choose a picture from my files at random and write. This morning’s picture is simple, however I think we all deserve something simple right now. Hardly a day has gone by recently without the horrific story of an attack dominating the headlines. We deserve a simple rose, have a great weekend, stay safe and enjoy…

A simple rose proud in the garden,
against the wall so white,
It has no need for media,
it’s world is simple and bright.
So this morning as we start up the weekend,
let’s forget the dark in the world,
share love with those around us,
and show them our petals unfurled!

August is just around the corner, stay safe, look after others and enjoy!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Return of Ding!

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DingDongIn our ancient local church we have two bells, one dating from the 14th Century, the other is two centuries younger. Some people affectionally call them Ding and Dong. For some months Ding has been absent and the only peal has been a funereal ‘Dong, Dong, Dong…’ Today there is a wedding in the church, urgent remedial works had to be undertaken…

Wearing my trusty boiler-suit,
not normal seen in church,
I positioned my tallest ladder,
breakage in bell-rope to search!
I carefully climbed each rung,
a bucket in one hand,
with every conceivable tool,
for a tower-repair unplanned.
Through the trapdoor I squeezed,
standing on ancient floor,
on the walls was scratched,
the names that had entered before!
I started up my i-Pad,
Googled ‘joining of a rope’
ended up with a giant knot,
skill-wise I’m beyond all hope!

…but at least it will mean that Ding and Dong will ring out today at the wedding!
With best wishes and many years of happiness to the bride and groom.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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