Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

One of These…!

Posted on by
Share

One of these is not like the rest. We have a small white duck on the farm who suffers from ‘Species Confusion’. Wherever the geese go, there is a small Jemima Duddlepuck following on behind. When the geese honk, there is a quack to be heard in there as well. She is one confused little duck, perhaps she needs counseling…

We have a duck,
who think’s she’s a goose,
she suffers species confusion,
may even think she’s called Bruce!

When she tries to be friendly,
they squawk and they hiss,
but she never gives up,
she’s one determined little Miss!

Enjoy your Thursday and remember there’s no shame in being different – We all are!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

Share

Exhausted Pipes!

Posted on by
Share

As regular readers of this column will attest, I can sometimes be a pillock! This achieves two objectives, firstly it irritates people and secondly ends in a public humiliation/apology from me. Yesterday I broke a cardinal rule and was was rude about the love of someone’s life…

The constant love of Otto’s life,
Is chunky (and I don’t mean a wife!),
Her proportioned curves which he likes,
end in long straight-thru exhaust pipes!
Sadly his motorbike wasn’t feeling well,
a clutch seizure was giving her hell.
Along came me in pillock mode,
Suggested he had a forklift load!
I offered a push with my tractor,
(an irritating force-ten factor).
I didn’t know when to quit,
So sorry Otto for being a git!

To make things worse I didn’t have a picture of his bike, so had to find some exhaust pipes for a photo! Will rectify as soon as possible!
Have a great day and remember never be rude about anyones pride and joy


© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share

It’s a dogs life!

Posted on by
Share

I was looking through some recent photos and came across one that made me think. It came as a shock to suddenly realise that the dogs in this household don’t worry about anything. They have no worries about money, accommodation, jobs or clothes and have the ability to make their humans worry about them, even apologising to them if their dinner is late.I so want to be a dog…

She sits contented on the settee,
no real problems at all has she.
She sleeps with contentment every night,
only worries about what’s in her sight.
She often wonders ‘when’s my meal?’
no other troubles imagined or real.
As for housework she doesn’t care,
the sofa’s covered in her hair!
She’s so superior she doesn’t talk
sits by the door when she wants a walk!
If I had a choice a dog I’d be
…but only if my owner was me!

Have a great day and may all your worries evaporate!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


 

Share

Droning On!

Posted on by
Share

Yesterday two young ladies visited the farm from a famous farming publication to find out how and why I fly a drone. They were very patient with an old man and listened as I attempted to explain. Then we went out to a field where they ‘took to the skies’ and the drone behaved itself impeccably. I had forgotten how terrifying it is to be interviewed and may have ‘droned on’…

Two young ladies,
came to my home,
so they could discover,
how to fly a farming drone.
They were polite,
and didn’t ignore,
the bluster of a pensioner,
a proper droning bore!
We then adjourned,
out onto the farm,
where they tried flying,
with no sense of alarm.
Later as I sat,
in my father’s hospital room,
I decided there were worse ways,
to spend a sunny afternoon!

With thanks to Lucinda and Hannah for their remarkable patience!
I hope everyone has a great weekend – be kind to a pensioner, even when they drone on!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share

My Disruptive Drone Demon!

Posted on by
Share

Today I’m entertaining a journalist who wants to know about drone-use in agriculture and I’m running scared! Technology has the capability of letting you down at the most inopportune moments and despite immaculate preparations and training, it’s always best to expect the unexpected. I am convinced that there is a little demon who lives inside my drone, I call him ‘Landin’…

‘Landin’ lives inside my drone,
in a wire-like structure he calls his home.
At random moments he can deliver,
unexpected problems that make me shiver!
Some months ago I can’t think why,
he took control made it “no fly!”
As trees appeared in its flight path,
I could hear his screeching demonic laugh.
You’ve got all ready for a flight,
‘Firmware Upgrade Needed’ it’s just not right.
If someone’s watching (not a show),
a helicopter appears flying low.
So my fingers are crossed for today,
I just hope the little demon’s away!

What my little demon hasn’t yet appreciated is that I had good training thanks to Sion and the good guys at RUSTA (https://www.rustauas.com) and so whenever anything goes wrong I’m prepared, even if it results in a CVCS (Controlled Vertical Crash Solution!).

Have a great day and I hope your little demon stays away from whatever you’re doing today!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

Share

Cleaning Hospital Windows!

Posted on by
Share

For over a week I’ve been attendant at a hospital bedside. I’ve seen at first-hand the best of the NHS, dedicated nurses and doctors doing their very best to heal under difficult circumstances. There are times during visiting when the only option is to look out of the window; this prompts the mind to wander…

I’m glad I don’t have to clean windows at the hospital,
I could never care like a nurse,
I always faint at the sight of blood,
which would end up making everything worse!

Stay healthy and safe and enjoy your day!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share

Monday Morning Butterflies!

Posted on by
Share

The other day I was in a northern town and next to a car park was a large bougainvillea bush in full flower. I stopped to take a photo, it was only then that I noticed it was covered in butterflies, most notably Red Admirals…

Bougainvillea blooms on an Alnwick street,
a peaceful sight to make my day complete,
I find it strange that butterflies don’t ever make a sound,
just work in silence so they don’t disrupt those around.

So this Monday morning,
as we chase our distant prize,
let’s do it with a sense of peace,
just like the butterflies!

May your Monday be peaceful, safe and silent!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD



Share

Goodbye Rowan

Posted on by
Share

This Saturday, in South Africa, a gentle lady fell asleep. Those of us who were lucky enough to meet her will always hold her in our hearts…

There’s an extra-bright star above the Veld tonight
as the lioness sleeps with her gently purring cubs,
and we as mere bit-players in a global scene,
mourn the passing of a favoured sister, aunt and friend.

Sleep well Rowan.
Thank you for being you,
and sharing so many smiles with us.
Your infectious giggle will remain in our hearts for ever.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

Share

The Magical Lend!

Posted on by
Share

On Friday afternoon I hurried home from visiting my father in hospital and rushed up to the big barn. I admit I was like a little kid! There in the barn was a wonderful sight: a big green combine harvester! This harvest has been difficult following the loss of the arable acres, but to see this sight in the barn made me feel a bit like a proper farmer again! Ok, I’m only storing it for a neighbour until his wheat has gone, but it’s a grand feeling…

There in the barn,
I can’t believe my eyes,
a large green Claas Combine,
it’s like winning first prize!
I know it’s only for a while,
going back I don’t know when,
but I can imagine for a week or two,
that I’m a proper farmer again!

Big things please little minds!
Thanks to neighbour John for the temporary loan!
Have a great weekend everybody.
If I’m missing you know where I’ll be!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

Share

The Journey (2018)

Posted on by
Share

Recently I visited the Holy Island of Lindisfarne, off the coast of Northumberland. In the church there was a woodcarving called ‘The Journey’ by sculptor, Fenwick Lawson (1999). It is carved from seven elm trees and to be quite honest, I found it a bit spooky as it seemed to me to be a stark reminder of our mortality…

There is a time to be born,
and a time to die.
A time to ask ‘How?’
And a time to ask ‘Why?’

If we ponder,
on the time of our fate,
we’ll end up doing nothing,
until it’s too late.

“That’s rather morbid!”
I hear people say,
so if you’re vertical and breathing,
enjoy your today!

Stay healthy, happy and safe and do it today!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share