Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Drone that Survived a Sinking!

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wetdroneTwo days ago, I told of how my drone landed in the water at the St Neots Regatta (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=8581). Following hours of being sealed in a vacuum bag with rice, it spent two days on the Aga. My hopes of it flying again weren’t great, I don’t have that sort of luck this year…

In May it was me, who took a fall into the river,
new i-Phone wallet and glasses, insurance deliver!
There followed a call to Alison my agent,
spilt coffee on my laptop, (Boy! was she patient!).
The prospect of another call, caused me to shiver:
“Erm, I seem to have landed, my drone in the river!”

Into a vacuum bag, half full of rice,
I avoided adding carrots (would have been nice!)
Drone AgaOnto the Aga just for two days,
If it flies again, it will amaze.
I took it outside, without all its props,
preparing to fail (I’m used to such flops).
But what is this? the motors are turning,
It’s back in the room, it is returning!
I attach the propellors, it soars in the sky,
I let out a yell, don’t need to know why,
Phantom 3So if you see Alison, and she wears a smile,
she hasn’t heard from me, in quite a while!

Thanks to all those UAV operators who have posted their ‘drowning drone’ stories online thus giving me the courage to attempt a ‘dry-out’. Strangely I could find no success stories, but thanks anyway!
Thanks to Alison at the NFU Mutual who covers my back when things go wrong …and thanks to Max, my advertising executive from Wroxham, who designed a new flyer…
WetUAV

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Goodbye Bunce The Cat

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BuncePet owners worldwide know the grief that comes with losing a pet. My daughter’s family have just lost Bunce, a cat they rescued in the snow several years ago (hence the name, Bunce, the make of snow plough, on which he was rescued). He was a most unusual cat, who had used up more than his fair-share of lives…

In the deep mid-winter,
quite some years ago,
My daughter and my son-in-law,
rescued a white cat in the snow.
They took him home on the snow-plough,
Injured, cold, afraid,
and very soon the cat called Bunce,
a new home he had made!
In many ways like a dog,
he followed you around,
I’d see him doing ‘his workings’,
keeping all farm rodents down!
So here’s ‘Goodbye’ to Bunce the Cat,
thank you for your love,
if from clouds we hear loud purrings,
we’ll know you’re up above!
Bunce2

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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The Swan That Saw The Drone Crash!

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SwanOn Sunday after the St Neots Regatta, we had visitors to our boat. It had been rather a trying day as, having filmed some of the action for the Rowing Club with my drone, I misjudged the landing. I soon discovered, like man, it cannot walk on water and it had to be recovered with a boat hook.

A swan and her cygnet came floating by
“Got any food,” the mother’s cry!
When we said we lacked anything to eat,
She replied “You’re a farmer get some wheat!”
When I replied that ‘I’d none here,’
“That’s not good enough I fear,
Next time make sure you do deliver,
no wonder your drone swam in the river!
Come now Precious let us go,
this farmer’s not as bright as those who row!”

Top Tip if flying a drone near water: Take one sealable bag and plenty of rice, place rice and drone in bag and wait. Send for repair if needed!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 


The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016

With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The i-Share Moment!

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VanHave you ever come across a situation that merits your immediate attention? Was your first thought to whip out your mobile phone and stand in the middle of the road to record the scene without thought for your safety or that of passers-by? In the past I’ve been very rude about amateur i-Film news cameramen. I’m now officially a hypocrite…

Outside an ATM,
a security van was wailing,
“Help! Help!
Security Vehicle under attack,
Please call the police!”
in a computer-generated voice.
But you know how vans can be,
when they are hot and thirsty!
I could see nothing wrong,
the sticker on the back said:
‘Police Follow This Van’
So there was no point in calling them,
as they were already there!
I did what anyone would do these days:
took out my i-Phone,
and made an ‘i-saw-it-and-Filmed it!’
It was only afterwards that I thought,
‘What if it was for real?’
And somebody was in the back of the van
Stuffing money into bags marked ‘Swag’,
Whilst wearing a small black mask,
And a striped jersey.
But all I did was continue,
shopping while congratulating myself,
on some amusing footage,
all the while forgetting the time,
when I condemned those who can’t resist,
whipping out their phone to record the moment.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Fishing Freddie and the Heat!

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Baking BaldockYesterday in Baldock the temperature rose to 32 degrees Centigrade. On a trip to the town I ran into ‘Fishing Freddie’ a retired machinist whose passion is to sit by a lake, rod in hand and grumble. Unfortunately the heat had driven him into the town…

If you meet Fishing Freddie,
be prepared, you must get ready,
everything in his life is bad,
except fishing, it drives you mad!
I mistakenly asked if he were well,
“Bad ankle and back’s giving me hell!”
His biggest moan was about the heat,
Gold star complaining you couldn’t beat.
Only last month he was complaining,
“Bloody weather, always raining!”
Eventually I had to get away,
knew he’d have the final say:
“Down the lake there’s a moratorium,
hotter than a damn crematorium,
never known it before in my life,
better go home, spend time with the wife!”

Enjoy a wonderful day in the sunshine, you never know what tomorrow might bring! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

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The Gathering!

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GatheringTake a piece of machinery out in public, lift the bonnet, and a gathering of mainly old men will probably occur! The other day I visited a museum where they had a vintage bus. A slight misfire of the engine led to a crowd of men gathered to view the problem, a gathering had been instigated…

The vintage bus ground to a halt,
The driver scratched his head,
all of a sudden a crowd appeared,
not mechanics but experts instead!

“I remember just after the war,”
Bert Briggins told the crew,
“I had the very self same thing,
on the A500 just outside Crewe!”

Johnny Junkins quickly piped up,
“don’t you meant the A525?,
I had an aunt who lived next to that road,
alas she’s no longer alive!”

“I think it could be a con-rod,”
Sam Smith interjected with glee,
“or perhaps just a noisy tappet,
some oil would set the thing free!”

The driver switched off the engine,
and took a look up at the sky,
“I think I’ll make a decision,
mine’s a pint, who’s going to buy?”

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Beauty and Joy Amongst the Rubble. 

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W&L2I wonder if any of you remember an old black and white photo from years ago of a proud father walking a bride down a rubble-strewn street?
Last Saturday, for the first time in 1,300 posts, I found myself unable to write this blog. It had been one of the worst weeks for news that I had known in my 60 years, culminating in the heartbreaking scenes from Nice, disturbing actions in Turkey and locally, an arrest of a partner for the murder of an author in Royston.
My problem, at 4.30am on Saturday morning, was how to write anything that wasn’t trite or irrelevant. So I wrote nothing and went off down to the car boot sale I run, on a dull, cloudy and unpromising morning.
After a couple of hours, the sun began to poke through the clouds and the world started to look a little better. After a quick chat with customers, much based on the events of the week, I handed over to my son-in-law in order to go home to get ready to go to a wedding.
On the journey, the sun grew brighter and despite the stop start traffic on the M25 motorway, spirits rose.
The sight of friend Wayne, walking his beautiful daughter, Lisa, down the aisle finally banished all clouds from the sky, all troubles were forgotten and happiness prevailed.
Lisa and Matt’s infectious joy and love flooded the wedding, one of the happiest I’ve had the privilege to be invited to. The sun shone, everyone smiled and the sound of laughter filled the air on a truly wonderful Saturday afternoon.

So as I sit here on a beautifully sunny Monday morning, I have to thank Lisa and Matt and their families and friends, for reminding us all that life continues and that there can always be found beauty, joy and hope amongst the rubble of our world.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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I’m Not An Engineer!

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Pipe RepairIt looked like a simple job. A warning light on the tractor dashboard glowed red along with a buzzer that guaranteed shrilling tinnitus for the next few hours. Unfortunately I hadn’t realised that in the factory, on a clean and brand new tractor, the engineers had an easier and quicker job to install a simple flexible pipe, that on a three-year-old machine that’s dirty, oily and covered up by other parts …

I went to my tractor dealer,
the pipe lay on the counter,
in a clean and pristine condition,
an excellent encounter!
On the journey home,
thought “A speedy job I’ll make,
have it on in half an hour,
in fact ‘a piece of cake!'”
Drove the tractor from the shed,
climbed up upon the rear,
couldn’t see either end,
“not an easy job I fear.”
One hour later I’m fed up,
I view my bloodied hand,
I dropped a vital nut on the floor,
things hadn’t gone as planned!
I need a multi-bending arm,
a finger with a light,
a spanner sewn on my thumb,
a third eye on the right!
I finally finished the ‘piece of cake’
two hours “I need a beer!”
I won’t bother with it again,
I’ll call an engineer!

Note to myself:
Tattoo on arm ‘Don’t Be an idiot – call the boys at Oliver Landpower Luton For JCB Repairs!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Pushchair Dog!

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Pushchair DogI have only seen a dog being pushed around in a pushchair twice. Both times have been at the car boot sale I organise every Saturday, the first time many years ago, the second a more recent occurrence! Whether this has something to do with the sales, the weather or something in the local water, I have no idea. Looking through some old boot sale photos I came across an example of this unique way of boot sale dog walking…

A woman customer that I know,
Had a dog that old did grow!
Off his feet, off his walks,
Barked so loudly when anyone talks.
She always found it quite a hoot,
To take dog in pram to the car boot.
Other dogs begged their owners,
to become dog-pushchair donors!
But most doggy-types refused,
saying simply, “We’re not amused!”

Have a great day and enjoy taking your dog for a walk!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Window Moth!

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the MothWe are so  lucky that there are so many wonderful species on this rock that floats in space! Yesterday I realised how ignorant I am when a moth flew into the house from the garden and I had no idea what it was called. This morning when I put in ‘Moth Identifier’ to Google, it was at the top of the first page…

A moth flew into the kitchen,
yesterday morning,
Granddaughter raised a shout,
a rather noisy warning!
I grabbed my i-Phone quick,
as it flew towards the window,
searching on the screen,
as if playing Nintendo!
Finally it flew and landed,
on the kitchen table,
convenient for this rhyme,
as it’s called an Argent Sable!

To some it’s known as Rheumaptera hastata, but it’s too early in the morning to find something that rhymes with ‘hastata’ and I’ve only had a single coffee!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk 

The Baldock Boot Sale SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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