Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Asylum Chaos in Calais!

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Part of the crowd of British Businessmen claiming assylum in Calais

Part of the crowd of British Businessmen claiming assylum in Calais

Thousands of British illegal immigrants have stormed the Calais mayoral office to claim asylum following last week’s UK referendum.
The businessmen, wearing bowler hats and carrying rolled umbrellas, made their point by chanting: “Excuse me, Madame Mayor, do you think we could possibly rely on your good nature to offer us asylum?” A lone policeman surrounded the protesters and was soon bombarded with offers of: ‘a nice cup of tea from my Thermos?’ ‘Marmite sandwich?’ and ‘a nice piece of fruit cake that my wife made?’
The group, smuggled into France ‘sometime in the last 48 hours’ by people smugglers, were offered shelter in a refugee camp known as ‘Jungle Deux’. One man, known as Mr Smith, told our reporter that he was looking forward to spending time in the jungle as he’d seen celebrities do it on TV and it didn’t look too bad, but wasn’t looking forward to frogs legs or snails in the ‘Tucker Challenge’. Another known as Mr Smith was hoping that his wife and extended family would be able to join him in Calais later if his bid for asylum was successful.
Government sources denied that mass emigration was underway and were at pains to stress that this was just normal holiday traffic, “Traffic levels on roads leading to cross-channel ports is consistent with the time of year,” claimed a spokesman. When our reporter asked why Operation Stack was in operation on port-bound motorways with many thousands of family cars, laden with possessions, awaiting a crossing, the spokesman called security and had him ejected from the news conference.
In other developments, calls for the closure of Aldi and a boycott of BMW, VW…cont p196

© Baldock Bard 2016

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Keep Calm and Carry On!

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keepcalmWe have nobody to blame anymore! In the past we always had the default fall-back scapegoat for all our national ills: ‘It’s the EU’s fault!’. Following the monumental decision on Thursday, the only piece of common sense I’ve heard is: Ignore the media, switch off the broadband, enjoy your weekend and start afresh on Monday when the dust has settled…

Keep calm and carry on,
enjoy the weekend,
for as far as I know,
the world won’t end.
Have a barbecue,
enjoy the sun,
meet old friends,
have some fun!
If a friend voted,
a different way,
that’s their right,
uphold it I say!

Ignore the media, switch off the broadband, enjoy your weekend and let’s all start afresh on Monday when the dust has settled. You could always visit a car boot sale!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A New Dawn!

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The prophets of doom are out in force after the referendum results have signalled our exit from the EU. Had our deaf liberal political elite recognised the elephant in the room and allowed a full and frank discussion on immigration, then the result might have been quite different. However the result stands and we will survive…

Turn off the media and calm down,
all is not lost in countryside or town.
Remember the Seventies a three day week,
we thought it was the end the future was bleak.
Despite what’s been said by German politicians,
To lose the UK markets would be bad decisions,
Aldii and Lidl, car makers as well,
want to be here with products to sell.
So lets take a breather neither berate, argue or shout,
the electorate has spoken and we’re now out.

Here’s wishing you luck for the future. I have a feeling it won’t be as bad as it looks right now. Please remember you need an undertaker only once in your life, but a farmer three times a day! Unfortunately it was French and German governments, through valuing their farmers, that gave the sort of support to UK farmers that our politicians never will.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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In Europe By Accident!

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BelgumYesterday morning I drove up the drive to collect my granddaughter to take her to nursery school. Something about the sat-nav was very wrong. I was 35 miles north of London, yet it had me driving down a street in Belgium! Within minutes it was welcoming me back to Britain, complete with Union Flag…

My car thinks I live in Brussels,
not near Baldock town,
Driving up Kerstenmannekensstrasse
I take a look around!
It all looks very familiar,
if we remain in will it change?
If we leave will my sat-nav,
find Brussels out of range!
When I wake tomorrow morning,
will we still be afloat?
I’d better face Belgium’s traffic,
and get out to vote!

Have a good day, I’m so looking forward to the day when the politicians slither back under the stone where many of them belong.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Precious!

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There has been an exciting birth on the farm! One of the geese has managed to produce a gosling! This might not sound extraordinary, however they had been very industrious with their egg-laying and nest-sitting to no avail. Suddenly a small yellow fluffy thing, escorted by a very proud and noisy mum and dad, made its way into the yard…

Precious, a tiny ball of fluff,
comes from the stable to learn some ‘stuff’
first of all there are other geese,
honking and hissing at their new niece!
Mum and dad instruct and shout,
they’re so pleased that she’s come out.
A whole new world waits out there,
as for the referendum – she doesn’t care!

Have a great day. If you too are starting something new, it may look big and scary but soon it’ll be so familiar you’ll wonder what the fuss was about!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The I-Spy Dog!

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Whenever we drive anywhere with our two terriers, Chip (who is now 17years old), demands that we follow familiar routes. Any deviation from these set routes and he stands up at the window and shows his displeasure. Until recently I presumed it was because he doesn’t like change, I now think it’s because he’s left his I-Spy book and pencil at home…

Our dog likes to play I-Spy,
Has completed more books than you or I,
Every journey that we do,
He stands at the window admires the view!
He’s already completed ‘On A Journey’
final sighting haulage firm Bernie!
He’s now onto I-Spy ‘The Town’
having trouble to find a football ground.
If he’s barking with alarm,
we simply bring out ‘On The Farm!’

If you’re on a journey, stay safe and don’t forget the I-Spy book and pencil for your dog!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Loss of a Mother

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There can be few in this country who have not been deeply saddened by the death of MP Jo Cox. I have to admit that, before the terrible events of Thursday last, her name had not crossed my radar. I now realise from the words of others, that she was an example of much of what is decent in politics and society.
It is nigh on impossible and probably vastly hypocritical to write in any detail about someone you didn’t know in any way. However, to many, thoughts extend to her family and the loss that they have so cruelly suffered.
Last weekend I watched a family of swans on the river. The proud parents were fussing around the cygnets as we threw them some food. I am posting this photo in memory of a mother, my thoughts are with her family.

We should all spend extra time with our families this weekend or if that’s not possible  contact them and say the magic words ‘Love You.’

Baldock Bard

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Going on a Fridge Hunt!

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The other day I went to the fridge and noticed a slight niff! Mrs Bard went to the fridge and exclaimed, “Have you no sense of smell?” It was then that we realised that our twenty-year-old Daewoo was no longer capable of purpose. After hours of poring over Which and other useful guides we were ready to go on a Fridge Hunt…

Our old fridge-freezer has finally died,
there was a pong something rotten inside,
been keeping things cool for twenty years,
gradually failed or so it appears!
Went to look at a vast warehouse,
many too big for anybody’s house.
Spent an hour doing the rounds,
rejected one at three thousand pounds!
The choice these days is just too vast,
you get ‘Fridge Blindness’ as you walk past,
Some chill water or make crushed ice,
wonderful machines apart from price!
So we chose a plain fridge/freezer,
after some tips from the sales-type geezer,
From tomorrow a better mood,
Non-melted ice and frozen food!

Have a great day, may your lollies be stiff, your peas frozen and your milk chilled!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Teaching in the Rain!

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Yesterday we had another school visit from a primary school in North London. It seems standard practice for the media to only sit up and take note when they can ‘bash a teacher’ citing the ‘things aren’t like they were in our day’ whinge. Just as yesterday’s children were about to leave and in the middle of the ‘Portaloo Run’, the heavens opened and we saw the best of a teacher’s care (all the others were very impressive too!)…

It takes a dedicated teacher
to stand out in the rain,
“There’s a Portoallo empty,
send a child again!”
It takes dedication,
the sort you can’t forget,
not a word of complaint
even though soaking wet!
So let’s hear it for our teachers,
bless ’em every one,
Don’t only excel in the rain,
but also in the sun!

With many thanks to all the teachers who have brought their classes to the farm over the years. The future is in your hands and from where I am sitting it’s looking exceptionally bright.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Easy Rider (retired!)

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ScooterThe other day I watched a completely contented pensioner ride his scooter down the street. His relaxed seating position reminded me of the age-old poster for Easy Rider! Seemingly at peace with the world, for me he summed up all that was genteel back in the day, my only regret being that I only had my phone and not a camera to capture the moment…

My old man rides a scooter,
he drives it down the street,
raises his hat to passers-by,
who all think he is neat!

It’s his only mode of transport,
he thinks that it’s a horse,
He calls it Mr Ed,
(after a TV show of course!)

Some old folk drive their scooters,
chariot-riding Queen Boudicea’s,
pedestrians run to avoid them,
primeval recollection of spears!

Remember, what you judge today could be you tomorrow! Have a great day and if you’re on your scooter, stay safe.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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