Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Fishy Fishy!

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Matt Fish‘You’re never too old to learn,’ they say! This weekend I watched a friend mixing up a concoction to feed to fish in the river. What looked like bird table fat-balls were handed around for us to smell. I had no idea that fish had noses or such a developed sense of smell; perhaps the police should look into using sniffer-fish? I was further confused when I learnt that none of the well-nourished catch would be plate-bound…

Friend Matt is a fisherman,
He’s always feeding fish,
then sits on the bank for hours,
nothing for the dish!

When Matt arrives home at last,
wife Hazel shouts and flips!
wanted fish upon her plate,
he’s bought her fish and chips!

‘Happy Fishing’ to all coarse fishermen when the season opens on June 16th. May your rods always be bent under the strain of the catch!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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European Champions!

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FlagsThe European Football Championships is in full swing down at our local Tesco. Flags of many nations hang silently over shelves of drink while in Marseilles some of our wonderful fans prove that they should venture no further than orange squash.

Our local Tesco has gone all out,
there’s a row of flags,
everything you could ever need,
football trophies, football mags!
But in France some errant fans,
play a different game,
Plastic Chair Throwing Championships,
blaming police again!
You’d think they could take their drink,
from a glance along the shelves,
they’re letting down a nation,
but most of all, themselves.
Have a great weekend and if you are into football, may your country of choice win!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Wonderful Woodland!

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This morning we are hosting a visit from a primary school from North London. Yesterday, when we’d finished preparing the barn and yard, I took a walk through the woods to plan their walk of discovery in a totally different environment to the one they are used to…

On one of the hottest days so far,
I, for once, abandon my car,
and take a walk through our ancient wood,
to prepare for the visit as I should.
I follow a path made by deer not man,
the air is cooling without need for a fan!
The sunlight breaks through the tall green roof
nature is wonderful, of that this is proof!
Wood 062

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Vandalism in the Village

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DCIM100MEDIADJI_0073.JPGOur tiny village is in shock. Unwanted visitors to the church have removed part of the copper roof and left many thousands of pounds worth of damage. My (very un-Christian) thoughts wish that either they’d been stranded up there or fallen off into the churchyard. To have taken such risks for a roll of copper sheeting beggars belief and one must question their sanity…

Thieves have stolen the copper
from our village church roof
it’s enough to make one think
thoughts that are very uncouth
The church has been there
for many a year
witnessed war and disasters
sadness and fear
I wish I had caught them
up on the roof
removed their ladder
leaving them all aloof!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Alien in the Dentist’s Light!

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Dentist LightLying in the dentist’s chair yesterday, looking up at the inspection lamp, I realised that if aliens wanted to see man at his most vulnerable they should infiltrate that light. Many people hate going to the dentist and put off the evil day. I find that whenever I’ve been, the care shown is such, that the fear vanishes and I’m left wondering what the fuss was all about…

I went to the dentist,
she said “Are you well?”
I said “It’s my tooth,
it’s hurting like Hell!”

She said “Let me look,
Oh yes! I can see,
this may feel uncomfortable,
open wide for me!”

After the injection,
she started to dig around,
I didn’t feel a thing,
but didn’t like the sound!

Suddenly it was over,
I rinsed the taste away,
Her parting words to me,
“Back on Thursday!”

The alien in the light,
reporting back from earth,
“She was too kind to him,
observation had no worth!”

With many thanks to my dentist for making the time in her chair as pain-free as possible.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Closing Down!

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Barretts1On Saturday I went to the closing-down sale of a general store that had been In the town of St Neots for over 125 years. The store was packed with bargain hunters, one wonders where all the people came from, and what was so different about this week. If there was something unusual that was rarely stocked these days, Barretts was the answer.

I wanted a pad
of Basildon Bond,
an old-fashined type
of writing paper I’m fond!

I asked the assistant
if she had,
some analogue paper
that came in a pad!

While I was there
“Can you recommend,
an analogue printer,
we once called a pen?”

She said “very funny,
now let me think!
I think we have everything
apart from analogue ink!”
barretts2
With best wishes for the future to all the staff at Barretts. You made the store and also made it worthwhile returning. You will be missed.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Johnny Hunter

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Johnny HYesterday I went to a ‘farmer’s funeral” (‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter’ as the first hymn!). I can’t say I knew Johnny Hunter well in recent years, but I knew him well enough to appreciate his tremendous courage, humanity and his unforgettable dry sense of humour. Many years ago I knew him better…

Many years ago I was a member of
a small discussion group
made up of farmers.
We’d meet up at a farm
and walk their crops
(grumbling when they looked better than our own!).
Later we’d sit around a cup of tea
and discuss weeds
or fungal diseases
or other exciting crop-specific topics.
I used to like to sit
within earshot of Johnny
because although
most of the time
he wore
a serious face,
it was simply there to heighten
the impact of a
sometimes wicked
joke or observation
that was about to flow
from his lips,
followed by
an unforgettable
smile.

It was my pleasure to have known you. Rest in peace.

Baldock Bard 2016

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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Terminus 2066!

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PaddingtonThe other day I went down to Paddington Station in West London to collect an aged relative. On my way to spend 30p at the conveniences I looked up at the roof of this ancient monument to mass transit solutions. It led me to wonder what lay in store for rail travel in the future and which of our present customs would remain…

Will there still be antique stations,
when trains are supersonic?
Will platforms remain the same,
some arrival times still chronic?

Will the guard still blow a whistle,
even though trains automatic?
Will we alight in London,
next stop the Adriatic?

Will commuters pack like sardines,
on their way to Town?
Or will the work come to them,
still in their dressing gown!

Will it still hold a child’s wonder,
an open-mouth gasping stare,
I hope it’s still spectacular,
even though I won’t be there!

I consider myself very fortunate that I walk to work and don’t squeeze into a over-full carriage with other city-bound commuters. So for me the excitement of a train journey remains something special and reassuring in this ever-changing world.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Wholesaler’s Bargain!

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Rain GuageThe last two days have been the grottiest start to June that I can remember and customers of mine want to know what I’m going to do about it! Every week I get at least six phone calls to ask what the weather is going to do at my Saturday Car Boot Sales. Unfortunately I don’t have a direct line to ‘Him Upstairs’, despite what some might think. In order to forestall some of the detailed metrological questioning i sometimes pretend I have visited my wholesaler…

Someone rang and asked me,“Mike,
what do you think the weather’ll be like,
next weekend, because I’d like you to tell,
if it’ll be dry at the boot sale to sell”

I told him that ‘I’m not Mike’,
wasn’t really sure what the weather will be like,
but I had been down to the local wholesaler,
Salt of the Earth, was a deep sea sailor!’

‘Have you some dry Saturday’s for sale?
there are none on the shelf as far as I can tell.’
He replied with a Sea-Salts refrain,
“I’ve only a second hand weekend from Spain!

However if you want at a price that’s right,
a Hebridean week, cool dry and bright!”
I told him I’d take the Spanish weekend,
or my customers will think I’m around the bend!

Have a great day and if you notice some sunshine lurking around, please put it on a bus send it it my direction, I’ll pay the fare on arrival!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Nocturnal Toothache Cures!

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CuresThere are worse afflictions in the world than toothache. However having toothache in the middle of the night, when all around is silent, seems to heighten the pain to such an extent that any self-administered cure is considered…

I lie awake my mouth is in pain,
the pillow could be made from a steel frame.
Into the bathroom to re-brush my teeth,
it’s not them that hurt but underneath!
Go to the fridge, milk may be the cure,
it’s very cold, freezing pain to endure.
Put some malt whisky into a glass,
warms the throat but the pain doesn’t pass.
Make a coffee to quell the troubles,
burn your tongue the pain more than doubles.
Reach for a bottle of ‘Oil of Cloves’,
burns the lips but that’s how it goes.
Thinking ‘Power Drill’ the brain sends a warning,
I’ll ring the dentist first thing in the morning!

If you’ve got toothache, there is only one cure, an appointment with your local friendly dentist! Have a good day!
P.S. Have been to the dentist, he drilled and poked and the pain has gone!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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