Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

Suited after Booted!

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Suit after BootIt is strange but nobody recognises me if I happen to dress up! The normal remark is “you can scrub up smart when you want to then!” Last Saturday I snuck away from the car boot sale and retrieved the suit out of the wardrobe. In no time I was ‘Suited after Booted’…

Saturday lunchtime to a party,
Was under orders to dress up smartly,
On with the suit, on with the tie,
with dark glasses to sight rectify,
because my clear glasses are in the river,
looked like a mobster, made me shiver!
So if you see me looking smart once more,
I may just be a doorman on the door!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Dirty Stop-out!

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Stopout1Do you ever have one of those mornings when you wake up and have no recollection what happened last night? This morning I woke up late, had a groggy head, eyes not working properly, limbs aching and with little memory of last night! I knew I wasn’t home until way past eleven…

My memory’s been wiped,
my RAM is low,
I woke up late,
no get up and go!
I seem to recall,
getting in after 11,
hot corned-beef hash,
my foodie heaven!
I make a coffee,
it wasn’t a wedding,
I now remember,
Fertilizer Spreading!
Stopout2With thanks to JR for giving an old man an unexpected late night out!
If you are planning a late night, I wish you fun, laughter and joy (without fertilizer!)

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Eye Test!

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Eye TestYesterday I went to have my eyes tested at my ever-faithful opticians (also known as Allders in Letchworth!). This was a must following my un-planned dip in the River Great Ouse on Saturday evening (see: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=8281), when the fish became proud owners of my glasses (phone, car keys, wallet and bank cards). However not only was my stiffness on Sunday morning a sign of my advancing years, but a further reminder arrived on the way back from my appointment…

On the way back home a concern I voiced,
something missing from my glasses invoice,
The insurance said I could claim the rest,
but not the cost of my eye test.
I was looking down at the Allders bill,
something missing stopped me still,
I had to ring “Has a mistake been made,
for my eye test, no bill I’m afraid.”
There was silence on the other end,
methinks they thought I was around the bend!
and in a voice – the answer was risky:
“there is no charge – you’re OVER SIXTY!”

With grateful thanks to Allders in Letchworth for their prompt service, theirs is a service you can trust. That’s so important as we only have one set of eyes!
Just remember – step back from the river and act your age!

© Baldock Bard 2016

For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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Dave’s Allotment!

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AllotmentI’ve always been fascinated by allotments. These micro-farms, often on the outskirts of town, are tended in a way that would be impossible over a large acreage. I once knew an allotment holder who told me many stories of daring-do amongst the sheds, canes and plastic sheeting. The quest for perfection in produce sometimes led to undoing…

Dave had a shed at his allotment,
was sometimes inside for a smoke,
He did a little digging,
Socialised with allotment folk!

He contemplated straight carrots,
Potatoes, beans, sweet pea,
often ended up distracted,
arriving home so late for tea.

His plot was always weed-free,
because at dead of night,
sprayed weed-killer from a farmer,
boasted: “It’s all rotations – right?”

His wife grew suspicious,
Followed him to the shops,
Watched him at the checkout,
Buy six ‘home-grown’ shallots!

His plot is now vacant,
Dave’s nowhere left to go,
His wife left her mark,
with a long serrated hoe!

Names, places and produce have all been changed and are not representative of local allotment holders in any way, shape or form. 
May your weeds whither and your brussels sprout, Happy Microfarming!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Cowslips!

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CowslipsThere is a wonderful patch of Cowslips in the middle of the lawn. These fragile-looking flowers appear every year and I carefully mow around them. The other day my mind wandered and I spent an amusing half hour on my lawn tractor considering their name. It just goes to show that little things please little minds…

You’d have thought Cowslips,
ought to be white,
because when a cow slips,
it’s a terrible sight.
I guess its udders,
would be terribly sore,
with gallons of milk,
on the clean dairy floor.
If the dairy farmer,
had a mind that was hazy,
she wouldn’t be Cowslip,
but simply called Daisy!

In memory of a long-gone Scottish cowman called Sam, who taught me much about life and humoured me in my first-ever job on someone-else’s farm at Kimpton in Hertfordshire. He loved his brown and white Ayreshire cows above all else. I hope he’s resting in peace with a whole herd, somewhere beyond the clouds.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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In The River!

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in the riverIf you ever go boating, take precautions just in case you fall in. Last Saturday I failed to take precautions and dropped into 18ft of water. This was not a necessarily pleasant experience, particularly as I had failed to take basic precautions before walking along the gunwale…

One minute I was pushing off a tree,
next, what was floating? Yes! T’was me.
What saved me from being an underwater sub,
was the safety boat from St Neots Rowing Club!

Stupidity doesn’t always happen in your home,
in my pocket: wallet, keys and my i-Phone.
the fish now have their own hotspot,
while texting, emailing and internetting non-stop!

But when I surfaced the world seemed strange to me,
on the riverbed my glasses, for the fish to see!
In years to come archaeologists will have found,
the signs I was lucky that I hadn’t drowned.

With heartfelt thanks for the prompt actions of those at St Neots Rowing Club.
Also thanks to Alison and all at Royston branch of NFU Mutual Insurance for getting my world back on track with the maximum of speed and minimum of fuss.
If you’re going near water today, stay safe and don’t be a prat like yours-truly!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Last Daffodil

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last daffSome years ago I went to visit an old teacher who taught me when I was seven. She was approaching her 105th birthday. She still lived on her own, cooked, cleaned and tended her small rose garden. However she had one complaint about living to such a great age, all her peers and friends had gone…

Pity the last daffodil left standing,
when all the others have died,
May day heat is not a treat,
when you feel lonely inside.

Pity the Centernarian,
who sits all day in a chair,
the wing-back seat no longer a treat,
as life is just not fair.

Make much use of every day,
while you’re still in your prime,
because who knows, the way life goes,
you may regret too much time!

Have a great weekend. May you hear laughter, enjoy good company and feel the warm sun on your back!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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No Morning Coffee!

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CNIn our larder there is always a spare jar of coffee so that I can guarantee my wake-up call. The other morning was a near disaster as the jar was almost empty as was the reserve shelf. Luckily my faithful 4×4 was saddled up outside, ready to ride to the rescue and wisk me off to Baldock…

Morning comes downstairs I glide,
open the door let the dogs outside.
In the kitchen coffee to serve,
the jar is empty none in reserve!
How will I cope, will I survive?
In blind panic to the shop I drive,
I’ve never been shopping so early before,
the aisles are empty in the store.
I get to the shelf ignore the grounds,
five jars of instant for twenty pounds!
I drove home, no not that fast,
ready to face the day at last!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Farmers Geese and Clouds!

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CloudsWhen I did my UAV (drone) pilots training last June, the chief instructor, ex RAF pilot Sion, admitted to being a ‘cloud-fancier’. Having given this some thought, it would be obvious as it was his workplace! However I have to admit, I seem to have joined the ranks, yesterday was a great day for clouds…

Mare’s tails steak across the sky,
giving farmers ‘the glad eye’.
sunny weather here to stay,
there’ll be no rain today.

Geese munching on the grass,
aware today won’t be their last,
all they know as they munch together,
these high clouds mean sunny weather!

With thanks to Sion and RUSTA UAV Training for opening my eyes to the clouds! Why don’t you lift your head for a minute, it can be most revealing! (Cirrus clouds also mean good drone flying, so get out there!)
It was only when I had written the blog, added the un-edited photo and published to the Internet that I noticed the goose-shaped whip of cloud!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Nature’s Blue Carpet

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Blue carpetWalk through the woods at this time of year and a delicate little blue fower is much in evidence. The great thing about them is that they are only truly beautiful in their natural habitat as, if removed, they wither and die very quickly…

A bright blue carpet lines the woods,
at this time of year.
When we’re spreading fertilizer,
this wonderful sight is here.
Singly they’re not that impressive,
but put them all together,
it’s enough to lift the most sunken heart,
and make up for depressing weather!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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