Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Coach without Horses!

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CoachWhat a Bank Holiday weekend! For once the sun shone for most of the weekend allowing for a sunny car boot sale! Afterwards Mrs Bard and I took off to a boat to relax (end of quarter accounts, VAT and catch up on paperwork!). Yesterday evening many people were travelling…

A very large coach drives over the bridge,
on Bank Holiday Monday evening,
going from Oxford ending in Cambridge,
two veritable centres of reading!

Over the bridge is the Bridge Hotel,
Where coach and horses once stopped,
now a place where modern coaches just pass,
used by tourists and those who’ve just shopped.

The swans don’t look up at the shiny new coach,
they simply continue to float,
they’ve no idea of the stress in our lives:
If they did they’d probably gloat!

Have a great Tuesday that feels like a Monday and acts like a petulant child that seeks attention!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Broken Alarm!

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EarlyIt’s early Saturday morning and I’m up and ready to drive down to the car boot sale that I run every week. The only problem is that due to a new ‘Wake-Up-Early-Solution’, everybody else is awake too. This morning at the bootsale I shall hope to find a new alarm clock…

I’ve broken my alarm clock,
alas it’ll no longer ring,
I replaced the battery,
then threw out the bloody thing!
So now it’s gone for recycling,
along with a bottle of wine,
it may come back eventually,
something useful next time!
So this morning I relied,
on my iPad to do the biz,
so just after half-past-four,
it started to ring and burp and fizz!
I was awake and wondered,
what that noise could be,
by the time I had shut it up,
everyone was awake you see!

Have a great weekend wherever you are and whatever you’re doing. I hope you enjoy your Bank Holiday Monday, let’s hope for no traditional rain!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A Canvas Canoe Called Lucinda!

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LucindaYesterday I went to the funeral of my Godmother, Lucinda. During the eulogy to this larger-than-life character, her eldest son recounted their family holidays (two parents and five children in an early camper-van). At that moment I remembered one of our family holidays, in the early seventies, when we borrowed their family’s canvas two-man canoe called ‘Lucinda’, leading the police to tell my family that I was probably dead…

Every day my father drove us a little further from the campsite to paddle back on the Dordogne river in France. This was fine until one day he chose to look at a map of France rather than one of the locality. My brother and I were dropped off, in glorious weather, dressed just in swimming trunks with a towel each, to paddle back to the site. By tea-time, when we should have seen familiar landmarks for some time, we were still paddling along merrily! By around midnight, my brother decided to abandon ship to seek help. By daybreak, after a lonely night of thunder, lightning, high cliffs and fast-flowing rapids where I could feel the scrape of rocks through the canvas, I reached a town I remembered – Sarlat. I arrived back at the campsite in time for a very late breakfast. My brother had returned early in the morning, the police had been called and declared with a Gallic shrug of the shoulders; “Il est mort!” (he is dead!) My mother, ever the pragmatist, shrugged her shoulders and said (of me, her revolting and unruly teenage son) “if he’s dead, he’s dead!” Needless to say I have avoided canoes ever since.

In memory of my Godmother Lucinda, to whom I owe so much: ‘If there’s another world she lives in bliss, if not she made the most of this’ (R Burns)
I wish you all a safe and enjoyable weekend and avoid those rapids!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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New ‘Baldock’ Workshop!

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Carpentry1Yesterday I had to do some carpentry. Being an ardent fan of ‘New Yankee Workshop’, an American programme, where a bearded man in an apron has every piece of woodworking equipment and makes wonderful furniture, I was well up for the job of making two frames to hold car boot posters…

I went into the workshop,
on a carpentry mission,
I knew what I had to do,
but in an amateur position!
I picked up four rails,
that I’d used for fencing,
This was a piece of cake,
that’s what I was sensing.

I found an ancient saw,
a chisel rather small,
I put on my carpenters hat,
looked just like a fool!
Sawing, chiselling and screwing,
finally my job was done,
no unexpected injuries,
apart from a hammered thumb!

Carpentry2With massive apologies to my former school woodwork teacher. I broke your cardinal rule, I didn’t use a tenon saw and used a normal hammer with the chisel, also I had no set-square. I believe that merits a fail! However in my defence, it was a rush job and it proved once and for all that I’m not much of a carpenter!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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April Snow!

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Snow3Yesterday lunchtime the heavens opened and a blizzard ensued near Baldock. Climate-change scientists rushed outside in excitement, while politicians in London blamed Europe and foreigners, proposing new taxation to counter this unusual occurrence…

There’s a blizzard outside of Baldock,
in April you wouldn’t believe,
that Climate Change is with us,
making doubters look naive.
There’s never been weather like it,
for the last million years,
lets go down to the bunker,
this confirms all our fears!
We must bring out new taxes,
that’ll sort it all out,
we’ll be back to having normal weather,
so long as we vote to come out!

Don’t panic Captain Mainwaring, it’ll be gone in a flash and we’ll be back to whatever weather nature throws at us!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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The Field Store!

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Field StoreLast Saturday we welcomed back some old friends who had travelled over an hour to come to the car boot sale I run at Baldock. Every time they set up a stall it is not only different but a jaw-dropping display that could grace the windows in Harrods, Macys, or any other top-class store anywhere in the world. Sometimes it’s a whole room display, sometimes it’s themed, but always it’s imaginative, artistic and breath-taking…

A couple come to the boot sale from Northampton,
they have an unusual stall,
the perfect display, just for the day,
much to the delight of us all.
First go up the windbreaks,
and small tables, scattered around,
there’s always a theme it’s got to be seen,
a stunning display on the ground!
Time goes into the placement,
the items for sale you can’t ignore.
The stunning display takes your breath away,
It’s as good as any large store.

The photo doesn’t do it justice I’m afraid. Like my school report I must do better next time. (and ask their names!)

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Customer Satisfaction Guaranteed!

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Waitrose DucksIf you study any independent supermarket survey, you’ll discover that one store is consistently at the top for customer satisfaction. With the store owned by the staff, they seem to act as PR agents every day! Yesterday I watched as a ‘Store Floor Manager’ took care of some important guests…

At St Neots Waitrose store,
two ducks beg by the door.
Shoppers supply them with fresh bread,
making sure they’re both well fed!

They spend the day at this food fest,
no thought of sitting on a nest,
if they keep begging, then in a while,
they’ll be nesting in the fresh egg aisle!

The Store Floor Manager takes her turn,
this new job she has to learn,
the Mallards quack, put on a show,
Waitrose best for ducks you know!

Duck FeedingMy 1,250th blog is dedicated to Waitrose staff everywhere, particularly those in St Neots.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Saturday Friends!

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Baldock BootOut of all the thousands of photos of my car boot sale from the last 24 years, I think this one sums it up best. A group of people, sitting around a cup of tea and bacon roll, having fun. Laughter is so important in this topsy-turvy world, with its pressures and stresses, that we need to find it wherever possible. It’s just after 4.30am, I’ve answered the first of many phone calls and soon I shall be off to Baldock to enjoy the laughter and banter from a small field nestled in the hills of North Hertfordshire…

Sitting around a table,
laughter fills the air,
for many at the bootsale,
found friends while they were there.

Some haven’t seen each other,
since October last year,
they’re so full of conversation,
ready to bend an ear!

Saturday friends are preparing,
in their homes everywhere,
excitement is building!
I hope to see you there!

Whatever you’re doing this morning, wherever you are, I hope the sound of laughter is not far away. Have a great weekend.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Replacing a Fan Belt!

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FanbeltYesterday the JCB Loadall broke down. A red light appeared and after much searching of both brain and machine, I narrowed it down to a broken fan belt. Replacing it took longer than I had bargained for…

Red light appears on the dashboard,
a light I’ve not seen before,
look around for the operators manual,
It’s behind the seat on the floor!

Open the bonnet (a foreign country),
an engine much bigger than a car,
a fan belt hangs limp off its pulleys,
ring the dealer, will fetch it, not far.

Alec in the stores knows the part,
“we’ve one of those on the shelf”
my wonderful wife goes to fetch it,
“why can’t you go and fetch it yourself?”

I start to dismantle the safety guards,
I drop a spanner into the sump,
The exhaust is hotter than you realise,
burning skin aren’t I the chump!

The new belt squeezes behind the fan,
lever it on to both the pulleys,
stabbed my hand with an extra long screwdriver,
screwdriver snaps (came from Woolies!)

Reassemble the engine compartment,
putting back the final guard,
Step right back to admire my handy work,
the second belt’s still in the yard!

With many thanks to Alec and all the crew at Oliver Landpower, Wandon End, Luton. How they must groan when I ring!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!

 

Share

High-Rise Nesting!

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CGooseIt is strange how some events happen year on year until they become the norm. For the last five years, more and more Canada Geese have chosen to breed on the grass fields surrounding our wood. Nothing unusual there! However one goose is different to all the rest…

Mother Goose nests in the old oak tree,
as safe and secure as she can be.
Mr Fox curses you see,
no goose eggs for him for tea!

High-rise accommodation can have its benefits!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!

Share