Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Clumsy Farmer!

Posted on by
Share

Whoops1Yesterday was a busy day as we rushed around the fields spreading fertilizer. I only had one task, to make sure the spreader kept on the go by carting and filling it with large one-ton bags of fertilizer. When about to run out, the spreader would back up to the bags, suspended from the bag-lifter on the JCB Loadall arm, the bags would be split with a knife and the whole process would continue. However concentration can’t be lost…

The spreader backed up to the Loadall,
the sky was blue and bright,
the knife split the bags at the bottom,
I then adjusted the height.
I looked away for a moment,
lifted the bags once again,
I’d lifted them more than I ought to,
it spread over the side like rain!
Out came the brush and the shovel,
I cursed at myself (so did James!)
He suggested that I visit an opticians,
have an eye test, not just new frames!

Please can we keep it a secret between us, that my lack of concentration was due to taking the above photo!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

Drone Hits Plane

Posted on by
Share
Gravity - the drones enemy!

Gravity – the drones enemy!

Yesterday the media reported that a drone hit a plane. This was the headline those of us who fly UAV’s (drones) responsibly had been dreading. It could have been worse, there could have been loss of life. I have invested a lot of money and time getting proper training, licence and insurance and I am not going to sit back and see my fledgling business wrecked…

All the headlines scream:
Drone Hits a Plane!
It’s just what the media wanted,
here we go again!
Ban them, catch them, jail them,
throw away the key,
It’s obvious they’re a danger,
to all humanity!

My drone was bought from a dealer,
it won’t fly near a plane,
it can’t hover near an airport,
hit an inbound flight from Spain.

It can’t reach an altitude,
of more than 400 feet,
It just hovers up there,
which really is quite neat.

An inbuilt ‘Nanny Factor’,
somewhere deep inside,
buy it in the UK,
Headlines over-ride!

Instead will be reported,
‘Drone finds missing man’
‘Helps out at Accident’
‘Illustrates a Council Plan’

…But of course good headlines aren’t news!
Fly well, Fly safe. And remember the drone-flyers enemy is gravity, these things come down easier than they go up (see my picture, the result of overflying a harmless crop!)

My personal thanks go to:
Heliguy for supplying,
RUSTA for training,
CAA for licensing
and
Coverdrone for insurance.
Without them I’d not be flying.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!

Share

The Warning Sign!

Posted on by
Share

warning1It is always of the utmost importance to be able to read warning signs. Ignoring them can lead, not only to misunderstandings, but also injury. Some years ago a friend arrived home after an alcoholic evening to face the fury of his wife ignoring all the traditional warning signs. Luckily for me, names and precise details have been obliterated from memory by the mists of time…

“What time of night do you call this?”
she stood at the summit of the stairs,
hands on hips, one leg bent at the knee,
She caught me unawares!

I gazed up through fog of alcohol,
called her to silence with a ‘shesh!’
started the ascent upon my knees,
vision seemingly obscured by mesh.

When I finally reached the top step,
stood carefully lest I fall,
She kicked my legs away,
and I tumbled back down to the hall.

…Breakfast was a meal taken in silence.

Have a great week and make sure you take note of all warning signs!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

‘Storm Baldock!’

Posted on by
Share

Boat SaleI have a sense of deja-vu this morning. It’s five in the morning and I’m manning the phone lines, just like last Saturday, to tell customers that the boot sale has had to be called off due to a very wet Friday. As I sit waiting, my mind wanders and I come up with new uses for the field…

Having a wet and waterlogged field,
poses a problem not seen before,
new unusual diversification,
if the rain continues to pour:

We could hold a swimming gala,
breast stroke, butterfly and crawl,
where to put the many spectators?
they’d have to sit in the pool!

Filming ‘Peppa Pig – The Movie’
would give a director many troubles,
until he shouts into his megaphone:
“Let’s all jump in muddy puddles!”

What about the biggest bathtub?
Plughole cordoned off by rope,
foam, excitement and much splashing,
“Has anybody seen the soap?”

Even in the worst scenario,
if the drainage were to fail,
floating down the Baldock Bypass,
seven Tall-Ships in full sail!

Boating seems the obvious answer,
powered by motor, oars or sail,
so next week you might find us,
holding a weekly car boat sale!
IMG_5748Hope you have a happy (and dry) weekend wherever you are and get to spend it with those you love.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday (weather permitting!)
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

Starting Handle!

Posted on by
Share

snoring TerriersThis morning the inevitable has happened, my mind has gone blank! No surprises there you say! I have many topics to put pen to, but cannot seem to get anything to rhyme, scan or meter on the screen despite ‘liquid stimulus’, so please forgive this mornings output. What I need is something that was last produced in the sixties, a starting handle…

Nothing this morning can get me going,
I’ve had three coffees in a row (ing),
the dogs are lying in front of the Aga,
and I can’t find words for my daily saga!
Outside the morning is misty and damp,
my head fells as if it’s squashed in a clamp!
However there’s hope as I can’t fail,
tomorrow is Saturday and the Car Boot Sale!

I hope you enjoy a great weekend,
I’ll be back Monday – from your rhyming friend!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

Wonderful Mother Nature?

Posted on by
Share

Being a farmer, apparently closer to nature than most, I am supposed to hold Mother Nature in high esteem. Mostly I do; the seasons come along like buses, animals and birds reproduce in the spring and harvest has always followed planting. However I think there are some areas where nature has slipped up, one of these I don’t understand…

Being now old in advancing years,
I have a question: Why growing ears?
Those silly flappy bits, are growing every year,
yet they don’t seem to help in making me hear.
They’ll soon be big enough to be seen in a zoo,
please don’t laugh it may happen to you,
there is only one purpose or so I am told,
they’ll hide my hearing aids when I’m very old!

Enjoy your day. Pardon? What did you say, I didn’t quite catch that, my ears got in the way!
Due to a fault in the operating system I’m having to use a library picture. This shows a volunteer attempting to measure my outsize ears. No animals were harmed in this process.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

The School Visit!

Posted on by
Share

School VisitThis week we had a school visit from a school in North London. The Year 3 pupils (7&8 year-olds) were very well behaved (as were the staff and parents who accompanied them!). Someone once described this sort of visit as ‘putting something back into the drawer’. I see it, not only as being great fun, but a chance to share what I am so lucky to see every day…

There are times in all our lives,
when we don’t appreciate surroundings,
I complain about the weather,
and make other grumbling soundings!
But when a school group,
comes onto the farm,
they bring joy and wonder,
never sense of alarm.

We major on enjoyment,
learning is a plus,
I’m amazed what I have learned,
when they’ve left upon the bus!
So value what you’ve got,
and then value it some more,
and pass it on to children,
put something back into the drawer!

With thanks to the children, staff and parents for visiting, please come again soon!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

The Dogs Dinner!

Posted on by
Share

Empty BowlWe are a nation of pet lovers. All dog owners like to spoil their pets, this leads to an enormous market in treats and goodies of all kinds. The other day I bought my precious a culinary ‘treat in a tin’ that was out of the price range of her everyday supper…

I bought Precious a tin of ‘Campfire Stew’,
A very special treat,
Venison, beef and pheasant,
exclusive cuts of meat.

She seemed to quite enjoy it,
ate at her normal pace,
later that same evening,
she burped it into my face!

There’s gratitude for you!
Lilly’s Kitchen, Wild Campfire Stew is available at all good pet shops, TRY IT TODAY! (other foods are available)

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share

The Spider and the Boot Sale!

Posted on by
Share

HailRunning a car boot sale is easy. You just open the gate, chuck some cash at local newspaper advertising departments, and pray (that’s the condensed version!). The greatest imponderable is the weather. Here I am at just after 5am, everything is ready… and it’s pouring with rain. Ho-hum, just another day in the history of Baldock Car Boot Sale…

Incey-Wincey Spider,
went to the car boot sale,
when she got there,
‘twas wind and rain and hail.
She told her hundred children,
“This you can forget,
We’ll just have to return next week,
I’m not getting soaking wet!”

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Saturday’s from April to October
With more FREE parking, weather and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Share

Bonking at the Bootsale!

Posted on by
Share

PostbonkingThere are many who think that opening up a car boot sale entails opening the gate, collecting the money and enjoying a bacon sandwich! That is the visible side (especially the bacon sandwich!). Preparation takes a little longer, especially when you discover rotten fencing three days before the start. Drastic times call for drastic measures…

Tommy and I went a-bonking,
posts in at the boot sale site,
ready for the early Saturday start,
we must have been a very strange sight!
I sat up in the Loadall,
my hand upon the up/down switch,
post-bashing with a heavy weight,
hoping that my fingers don’t twitch!
Tommy lines up brand-new posts,
removes the old ones that are snapped,
Keeps the line nice and straight,
without the need for i-Phone apps!
Please heavens that we are finished,
by early morning Saturday,
or customers will come and taunt us:
“you’re not ready? We’ll boot anyway!”

See you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed tomorrow morning next to the A507 Buntingford Rd, just outside Baldock! If not, have a great weekend, wherever you are and whatever you’re up to!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Returns TOMORROW!
April 9th 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

Share