Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Sylvanian Wedding!

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Sylvanian WeddingMost who have had a daughter or grand-daughter in the last twenty-something years will have been introduced to a Sylvanian Family. For the uninitiated, these are family units; cats, mice, dogs, meerkats etc. Once in your house, they will afford you endless opportunities to buy a myriad of accessories including; houses, mansions, boats, cars, planes and other Sylvanian lifestyle items that no self-respecting parent could possibly ignore. We are on our second generation that is ‘Sylvanian-obsessed’. Recently there was a riotous wedding in a Sylvanian house….

After Mr and Mrs Goat’s wedding,
in a Sylvanian house,
clearing up took a week,
around an unconscious mouse!

Plates were littered around the floor,
the wedding cake toppled over,
the newly-weds nowhere to be found,
was said they’d gone to Dover!

Cleardy-up has taken place,
lingerers shown the door,
uneaten cake removed from the walls,
and bottles from all the floors!

So before a Sylvanian wedding,
should hospitality fail,
you can always threaten Sylvanian toys,
with a trip to a car boot sale!
SylvaniansPlay nicely now children! Oh! You’d like the full-sized castle? Of course darling, I’m sure the families will be very happy there, and you’d also like…!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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Engagement Parties and Terriers!

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Mali backLast night Mrs Bard and I went out to an engagement party in the next village. It was great fun and despite not expecting to be out long, time flew and before we knew it, it was way past my bedtime! This morning my dog is still annoyed that we were so late…

My dog has turned her back on me,
she’s not happy as you can see!
We stayed out until late last night,
she declared “it’s not right!”
Turned her back and with a titter,
“could have hired a baby-sitter!”
Now this morning things are better,
she’s by the Aga lying on my sweater!

Best wishes to Cherry and Matt for a wonderful future together. Make the most of your time as two, as one day you may find yourselves with a demanding dog!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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Famous Gloves!

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GlovesIn the last six weeks the musical world has seen many performers leave the world stage for good. So many famous musicians have died recently one is left wondering if it is just coincidental timing of aged stars or is there a new ‘Superband’ forming ‘upstairs’? Just imagine the line-up! Back here on earth I am beset with small daily problems…

There’s a little pair of sparkly gloves,
I found on the floor,
I think they fell out of grand-daughter’s coat,
as she reached the door.
It’s a good job I found two,
and not just one alone,
Or I’d have wondered if Michael Jackson,
was haunting us at home!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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The Troublesome Crop (part 2)!

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Last linseedThose of you who make repeat visits to this humble blog may remember the story about the Troublesome Crop on Jan 28th (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=7861) and how I was left with just seven tons on the farm. Today it is leaving the farm and we’ll be linseed-less at last…

Later on this morning,
the final linseed goes,
and hopefully with luck,
an end to my linseed woes!

Last week the bulk of the crop,
onto lorry was selected,
only at destination,
the bloody stuff rejected!*

Yesterday the seven tons,
in an attempt to stop a failer,
back through the grainstore system,
and returned to the trailer!

So I have my fingers crossed,
(don’t wish for more alarm),
never want to see the crop again,
once it’s left this farm!

*Having been rejected at destination, Fengrain (the co-operative I sell my produce through) arranged for the load to be taken elsewhere to be corrected. This obviously carries a penalty both for extra transport costs and treatment, no NHS here! All should be well after a long saga! However it did look pretty in the field last summer!
Linseed1© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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The Permanent Passengers!

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BagforlifeIt is a modern dilemma, you rush to the supermarket to buy something for supper, make your choice, get to the checkout and realise something is missing. That modern companion, the ‘Bag For Life’, has been left in the car and you are forced into a decision; juggle with pile of unbalanced and misshapen objects, buy a flimsy 5pence one-journey-before-split bag or add to the collection of bags living rough in the car…

I have this bag for life,
I keep her in the car,
She and I are happy,
She says that we’ll go far!

But when I go shopping,
and it’s time to pay,
I realise I’m on my own,
and she is far away!

So I buy a replacement,
to add to my collection,
a friend for my ‘lifey’
my carrier bag selection!

Apparently I am the problem and should be more organised! Thank you MD for your diagnosis! Have a great day and don’t forget your BFL!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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The Car Boot Organiser!

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OrganiserThere has been much talk recently about robots replacing people in more jobs than ever. Particularly in areas as yet untouched by machine. How many of you remember the advert on TV with the car being made by non-human hands? I recently discovered that I am about to be phased out on Saturday mornings…

While waiting to pay for fuel,
I noticed an offer – a jewel!
I was to be replaced,
By a Boot Organiser with taste!
for £3.99 that’s all!

So after Easter if I’m not there,
(been replaced by rabbit or hare!)
You’ll just have to park,
in the morning so dark,
“Mechanically organised – so there!”

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

Share

The Jump Start!

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Jump LeadsThe other morning, when the temperature had dipped below zero, a tractor refused to start. Out came the jump leads. I hitched the errant machine up to its companion, waited a short while and Hey Presto! we were on the go. Returning the jump leads to the cupboard,  an idea crossed my mind…

Imagine on a cold frosty morning,
when your get up and go isn’t there,
you lie helpless under the duvet,
thinking ‘sod this, life isn’t fair!’

All of a sudden it’s happening,
your partner reaches for the jump leads,
“These will charge up you battery,
for your later appointment in Leeds!”

She opens the very large clips,
their size you’d almost forgot,
she holds them menacingly over your body,
you’re out of bed like a shot!

The attachment point doesn’t bear thinking about! Have a great day and stay safe out there!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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The Troublesome Crop!

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Troublesome CropAs farmers we are no longer allowed just to grow what crops we like. By law, we have to grow at least three different crops, along with a myriad of other rules dreamed up by desk-bound bureaucrats. For last harvest I chose: wheat, field beans and linseed. I wish I’d never chosen the latter it was trouble all the way…

Linseed can be a troublesome crop,
it’s a little scamp,
this diminutive seed causes grief indeed,
particularly when it’s damp!

We gave it a wonderful seedbed,
nurtured it like a son,
gave it fert in quality dirt,
harvest was a difficult one!

We moved it around the store,
gave it lots of air,
it wouldn’t dry though hard we try
always had ‘wet hair!’

Yesterday we’d had enough,
Ian brought his lorry around,
from the bin we swept it in,
now it’s Newark-bound…

…apart from 7 tons that wouldn’t fit on the lorry, UGH!

With thanks to all who helped tire out this troublesome crop; from Carl who planted it, David who kept an eye on it, James who nurtured and combined it, John and Russell who battered it, Charles who sold it, Tommy who swept it, Amy who homed it, Mick who scheduled it and Ian who finally drove it off the farm!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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Six Lucky Cats!

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Six Lucky CatsIn our local supermarket (the one that has had bad luck recently by being caught not paying suppliers within guideline periods, inflated results, etc. etc.), I discovered six golden cats on the shelf. They were ‘lucky cats’ that were heavily discounted. I’m afraid I passed them by as it didn’t seem they’d brought much luck to the supermarket…

Six golden cats
sitting in a row,
watch their arms,
wave too and fro!

They are lucky cats,
all on special offer,
buy one and you’ll see,
money in your coffer!

However if you pass,
ignore them if you dare,
your crimes will be discovered,
and published everywhere!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Seasonal Visitor!

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SnowmanYesterday the winter temperature reached 14 degrees Centigrade and took with it the last remains of a seasonal visitor. He arrived on the 17th and left 8 days later along with his dog (who I never saw!). He is not likely to be back anytime soon as forecasted temperatures for the next fortnight seem unusually warm. So it’s fond adieu and bon vacances to Monsieur Bonhomme de Neige…

A man stood in the garden,
tweed cap upon his head,
eyes as dark as coal,
didn’t show a leg!

He stood there on the lawn,
watching our lives with glee,
his little friend who made him,
was as happy as could be.

But then came the time,
he had to go away,
slowly he just melted,
until he’d gone today!

None of us last forever,
and when it’s time to go,
I hope that I just melt away,
Like our visitor made of snow!

With appreciation to all the ‘adults’ who reverted to childhood in the past week, what fun it was to see so many varieties of snowmen in gardens around!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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