Author Archives: The Baldock Bard.

About The Baldock Bard.

In 1997 a scruffy untalented poet started to write verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sale adverts in the local papers on a four week trial. Before long his attempts at verse was being discussed in bars across the South East of the UK. A regular buyer at the car boot sales was in his local pub in Barnet when he heard two men at the bar discussing a car boot poem they had read in the local paper by someone they called 'The Baldock Bard' (after the town where the car boot sale was held). From this moment on, the un-named verse-writer was known far and wide as 'The Baldock Bard'. He lives in a cave carved into a hill just outside Baldock in Hertfordshire, living off the land. He is addicted to Cheeselets, Twiglets and Cola and has a long-suffering wife, a granddaughter, a daughter, a son-in-law, two dogs, geese and chickens

The Bard’s Biggest Fan!

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Big FanWhen I started this blog site in February 2012, I thought that no more than a handful of people would read my outpourings. The idea that anyone from outside my county or country would do more than arrive by accident and quickly depart, was well beyond my hopes. Unbelievably my outpourings are read in over 67 countries from Algeria to Vietnam and Tasmania to Belgium…

My biggest fan sits in the shed,
blowing cold air through the bin-column head!
When it starts, nearby lights dim,
as it accelerates in speed with a howling loud din!
the purpose of this is to dry the grain,
taking my energy bills through barriers of pain!

Now readers who live down by the equator,
will start to wonder sooner or later,
whether I have been taken insane,
or if it’s to do with the cold and the rain.
I’d like to ensure wherever you are,
I’m simply a farmer whose ‘life-door’ is ajar!

Best wishes to you and all my readers. Thank you for reading the outpourings of a simple son of the soil!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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An Old Dogs Tail

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ChipWe share the house with an old dog who is increasingly confused. If he gets up before breakfast I offer him milk, this has to be done in such a way as not to scare him as we all know how scary milk poured into a bowl can be! However he lives a charmed life; going from bed (with duvet), to Aga (with cushion), to fireplace (with sofa), sometimes he even ventures outside. He also enjoys new experiences every day…

Our poor old dog is so confused,
He doesn’t know what to do,
He walks into the sitting room,
And says, “Just who are you?”

When he comes in from outside,
He says “it’s warm in here!”
I’d rather like some supper,
might like a glass of beer!”

Late at night he wonders,
‘Where’s the daylight gone?
Is it time for breakfast?
Did I miss the gong?’

We know he’s blind in one eye,
It’s widely understood,
That like the Co-op advert,
He’s still: ‘Gud with Fud!’

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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No Frost Today!

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FrostworkYesterday morning I managed to cultivate for five hours taking advantage of a hard frost. This morning, hoping that the conditions would be repeated, I found myself waking and checking the outside thermometer at regular intervals through the night. Alas cloud cover meant interrupted sleep…

I needed a frost this morning,
Just a minus 1 would do,
the tractor lay waiting in the shed,
prepared, cultivate, to do!
Alas the weather had other ideas,
sending cloud to cover clear sky,
leaving this expectant farmer,
to look up to the clouds and curse ‘WHY?’
But there was one consolation,
back to a warm bed I went,
and snore like an old humpy camel,
the extra sleep heaven sent!

…there’s always tomorrow morning (repeat stages 1-16)!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Benefits of a Frozen Windscreen!

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FrozenHurrah! Jack Frost has called and everything is white at last! It would seem that, for today at least, winter has arrived. I shall attempt to go and cultivate some land, so that when spring arrives, I will be able to get beans and oats planted…

While those who travel up to town,
scrape their windscreens with a frown,
Farmers, their tractors activate,
on a frost can cultivate!
But taking care because who knows,
this time of year frost soon goes,
and in it’s place, may happen yet,
the ground underneath is soaking wet.

Excuse me if I don’t hang around, I’ve cultivating to do!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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That Morning Feeling!

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SleepI’ve had a very busy weekend, ably assisted by two fantastic volunteers. We have been very busy in the grain store turning tons of linseed. This has led to an unforeseen problem, I’m not sure what day of the week it is and I ache all over…

Getting up this morning,
spent yesterday in the shed.
Having worked all Sunday,
is playing with my head!
I think it may be Monday,
I’m really not so sure,
as I also worked Saturday,
could be the day before!
I know that it’s not Tuesday,
or could it just be Wed?
All I want to do right now,
is crawl back into bed!

Many thanks to John and Russell for help beyond the call of friendship.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Defeating the Howler!

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FurnaceLast night the wind howled around the farm from the North West. It was a lazy wind that came into the farmhouse under the back door and found its way out through the thousands of breaches to be found in an old building such as this. Our last line of defence proved to be a godsend…

Raid the log pile,
Get kindling in,
Light the wood burner,
Break out the sloe gin!
After ten minutes,
remove the thick coat,
After half an hour,
Off with the waistcoat!
Another hour goes by,
Thick jersey is off,
Next is the vest,
some may well scoff!
By this time,
Sitting room a hot pleaser,
The rest of the house,
colder than in the freezer!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Milk, our daily miracle!

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MilkThese days we take so much for granted. In the main we care little where or how something was made or grown. Many years ago I worked on a dairy farm, I am embarrassed to say that I give very little appreciation to milk (normally only when the bottle is empty!). So this is for the dairy farmers from a simple ‘Arable Boy!’…

Milk is our daily miracle,
most of us agree,
we have it on our cornflakes,
We have it in our tea!

When I was a student,
one cow hated me,
she always was bad tempered,
her name was Marlene Three!
She’d always make a strike,
with her sh*ty tail,
then cover me with warm stuff,
her aim would never fail!

Here on our doorstep,
no milkman does arrive,
I get it from a shop,
not the parlour at half past five!

Many thanks to all those who are up way before the dawn to make sure my coffee and cereal is just the way I like it. And ‘Yes!’ I still miss Marlene Three!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk




The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Back every Saturday after Easter 2016
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Trouble with Rats!

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IMG_2629This winter has been so mild that the most unwanted pests on the farm have been prolific breeders. Their increased numbers have led to me buying ever greater quantities of ‘food’ for them. In desperation I have tried blue grain and blue pellets. Now pellets of a different kind have been brought to bear…

“Come and get it!” I shout in the yard,
if anyone saw me they’d be sure to laugh hard.
I have my bucket and my little green scoop,
as I search for evidence of collective rat poop!
What they don’t expect is Russell with gun,
armed with night-vision to spoil all their fun,
they don’t realise as vermin they play,
a small grey pellet is about to ruin their day.

As part of my traceability certification that I need to have (in order to sell crops), I have to have ‘rodent eradication policies’ in place. Thanks to Russell these are now working well! However I am shortly going on a course to learn about using rat bait (something I’ve been doing for over 40 years quite successfully). Without yet another certificate, I shall not be able to buy or use rat poison after April as ‘grandfather rights’ are due to be abolished. I suppose at least it keeps faceless desk-jockeys in work dreaming up ever-more dastardly restrictions! 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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The Farm Breakdown!

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SocketsThere are few things more soul-destroying than when machines go wrong. They never seem to breakdown in the shed when they are resting, but always when you are up against it! Last night while moving linseed in the grain store things went wrong…

Break out the sockets,
hammer as well,
the grain’s stopped moving,
why? I can’t tell.
Down into the pit,
where grain has spilt,
the funnel’d part,
has quite a tilt.
Give it three clouts,
(and one for luck!)
t’was all my fault,
‘what a Schmuck!’

One of these days I might learn not to overload the system. Many years ago my old boss used to say: “Patience and perseverance can piddle a hole in a stone!” Should have listened to him.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above


Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

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It’s Monday!

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Hungry DucksThis morning is one of those typical mouldy winter days. Mild temperatures, raining hard and soft squidgy grass and fields. However cold weather is forecast so maybe winter is on its way…

It’s Monday,
it’s dull,
it’s raining,
in Hull?

But into every life,
a little rain must fall,
the ducks are at the trough,
look like a rugby maul.

In the next few days,
colder temperatures here,
for their breakfast,
the ducks will appear!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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