Category Archives: Animal Verse

Urgent Upgrade For: Daughter App!

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matiParents who have downloaded the app: DAUGHTER, are advised to install this latest update. This includes a short guide to dealing with a new virus that could turn your lovely, beautiful, charming darling into a snarling spiteful monster when a particular ‘software’ request goes unheeded…

Various methods to diagnose the presence of ‘WANT PUPPY!’ in your daughter:

  1. Drop the word ‘PUPPY’ into conversation …Observe reaction.
  1. Unveil picture of ‘PUPPY’ …Observe reaction.
  1. Check internet browsing history for ‘PUPPY’ …Observe reaction.
  1. Check cellphone for message including ‘PUPPY’ …Observe reaction.

Don’t fall for light discussion regarding ‘PUPPY’, it is dangerous and could lead to…

THE NEXT STAGE

These vital signs shouldn’t be missed:

  1. The Plea: “Can we go and see a PUPPY?”
  1. The Excuse: “We don’t have to have the first PUPPY we see!”
  1. The Bluff: “We’ll just be looking at PUPPY!”

It is important that before you go to “just look” at PUPPY you check for unusual signs:

  • For the first time ever there is a hidden blanket in the car and snow is not forecast for the next few months.
  • Tins of food with PUPPY on the label have appeared in the cupboard next to the breakfast cereal.
  • PUPPY MONTHLY suddenly appears on the mat alongside the daily newspaper.
  • The neighbours have started erecting a dog-proof fence.
  • The council sends six men in high-vis to attach a dog-poo bin to the lamppost outside your house.
  • Old newspapers have been hoarded in the garage rather than being put out with the recycling.

Ignore these vital signs at your peril as ignorance could lead to…

THE FINAL OUTCOME…

You find yourself with

ONE OF THESE…

puppy…A PUPPY!

It’s cute, it’s soft, it’s charming and lovely… just like your daughter!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK NEXT YEAR
From April to October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Special Friend

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monkeyMost children have something that, above all else, is so precious to them that at times of distress only that item will do. My granddaughter has Monkey. The fact that she has a number of identical simians makes no difference, only Monkey will do. There are times when adults could do with such a friend…

My Granddaughter’s monkey always wears a smile,
even though his life’s a trial.
Everywhere he tags along,
just in case things go wrong!
He knows how to make things better,
by clinging on to her tear-stained sweater.
His reward for being her friend,
is constant use: mend on mend.
Even then he wears that smile,
his friendship goes that extra mile!

Remembering all those special friends we all rely on in times of trouble. Do you know someone who could do with a special ‘Monkey-style’ hug today?
Especially remembering Maxwell, Mandy, Annabell and Thomas also John, Angie, Rachel and family. Life can be cruel but friends can help by being friends. 

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

 

 

 

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The Gulls Canteen!

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gullsI don’t think I have ever seen so many gulls following the plough as I did yesterday. If I didn’t have to look forward to keep the wheels in the furrow I could watch them for hours. It is my excuse for a crooked furrow and I’m sticking to it…

There’s no orderly queue at the seagulls canteen,
it’s the most disorderly chaos you’ve ever seen!
They’re swooping and pooping – unbelievably rude!
there’s no decorum when they’re looking for food!
Finally just to show they’ve finished their meal,
they bomb the tractor to let you know how they feel!

…and I had run out of windscreen wash!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
Last Bootsale this Season – October 15th 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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Internet-Ready Henz!

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henzOver the years we have had a variety of hens on the farm. Most have ended their days on the menu for Monsieur Reynard (the fox). We have had a variety of shapes, sizes and characters, however the current trio are possibly the funniest we’ve ever known…

The three hens on the farm
are internet-ready,
there’s Daphne, Sonja,
and one that’s called Freddie!
They look as if someone,
has used Photoshop,
to accentuate their markings,
not knowing when to stop!
They wander the farm,
like old ladies on the bus,
grumbling and gossiping,
and making a fuss!
Yes they’re ornamental,
of that there’s no doubt,
but to be perfectly honest,
it’s fun having them about!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
Last Bootsale this Season – October 15th 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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We Ploughed The Fields…

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Many years ago, while waiting for the vicar to turn up at a primary school Harvest Festival, I re-wrote the words to the hymn ‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter.’ Post-Brexit it is possibly worth another try, so here goes…

We ploughed the fields and scattered,
with help from the EEC,
but now that we’re post-Brexit,
I’d better lobby my MP.

In Wales they’ll send inspectors,
to go and count the sheep,
don’t worry boys after twenty minutes,
they’ll be fast asleep!

All good grants around us,
will be cut without restrain,
they can’t cut,
no if nor but,
our soft refreshing rain!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
Last Bootsale this Season – October 15th 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Bossy Spider!

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spiderYesterday, while using the smallest room in the house, I came across one of the largest spiders I’ve ever seen. As per usual I took a photo. When I looked closely, the damn spider was laughing at me and pointing to cracks in the wall. Rather than waste a picture I have used it and promise that when all the landwork is finished I shall do some DIY…

The largest spider in our house,
is big enough to frighten a mouse,
it sits waiting in the downstairs loo,
to leap out at users and shout ‘Boo!”
Yesterday it suggested to me,
things were not as things should be!
I should forget the tractor and just try,
to try my hand at some DIY!
“Look at how I have to live,
These cracks in the wall are massive,
Unless you deal with them real soon,
I shall be forced to move to a different room!”

…with apologies to all arachnophobes for not posting a warning.

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
Last Bootsale this Season – October 15th 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

 

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The Patient Terrier!

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terrierOur terrier is on a mission. She rushes around the house and then spends hours inspecting the skirting boards with the intensity of a hungry hound watching a tin of dog food being opened. We have tried everything except for counseling, perhaps it’s time…

Is there a rat in the kitchen?
or could it be a mouse?
our dog is going crazy,
rushing around the house!
It sits gazing at walls for hours,
playing a waiting game,
I wish it would catch just one,
perhaps that’s not her aim?

We were so concerned,
we took her to the vet,
“This terrier is normal,
no remedy discovered yet!”

In the Baldock Bard tomorrow: The cat that sings out of tune!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Swooping Seagulls Follow the Plough!

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seagullsYesterday afternoon I was not alone while ploughing. It was obvious that the Brighton and Hove Albion football team (nickname the Seagulls) weren’t playing as they were all watching me, circling the tractor, swooping and diving onto suddenly exposed worms in the furrow…

Brighton and Hove Albion,
can’t have been playing,
on Sunday afternoon.
Most of their fans,
we’re watching me ploughing
“This free buffet’s a boon!”

“Really don’t like the look of his furrows,
much better on the farm next door,
And judging by the taste of his worms,
His seasoning is very poor!”

All of a sudden at 3:45
the spectacle is over
They’ve all gone
with great aplomb
To watch cross-channel ferries at Dover

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Silent Skies

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SwallowsIt is strange how when visitors leave you immediately notice the silence. This morning there is silence in the farmyard. Overnight the swallows, that provided a backdrop to our lives with their acrobatic flying, swooping after insects and constant chattering, have left on their long migration to Africa…

The departure lounge has been busy,
preparation to say ‘Goodbye’,
as these plucky little birds,
prepare to take to the sky.
They’ll fly down across Europe,
up to 200 miles in a day,
At night in huge flocks,
in reed beds they will stay.
After about six weeks,
in Namibia they will be,
and locals will likely say,
“The first swallow of summer I see!”

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Muggy Night!

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StairsOccasionally, here in the UK, we have a hot sweltering night when it is difficult to sleep. Last night was one of the hottest so far this year and we struggled to sleep in what might have well been a furnace! The temperature at 5:30am was already 16 degrees, bedclothes not needed this night…

Our dog loves the heat,
but not at night,
so sometimes she’ll sneak,
to the stairs,
where, she’ll find comfort,
on the hard but cool,
wooden steps,
as a slight draught,
on it’s way through,
the old house,
fans her,
as she sleeps,
snores,
and dreams,
of ice cream!

© Baldock Bard 2016
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Every Saturday
April – October 2016
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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