My Car’s Cat Seat!

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IMG_7656The other day I discovered my granddaughter’s cat sitting in her car seat. Unfortunately I was a few miles from home. Luckily I hadn’t yet parked, however the cat didn’t seem at all concerned or worried. Next time I won’t be leaving the door open as I dash back inside for forgotten things…

The cat is in the child seat
going for a ride,
with a bottle of drink,
(it’s quite warm outside),
I am off to fetch some parts,
for the large green plough,
don’t realise there’s a passenger,
until she shouts ‘miaow!’
Nearly have a heart attack,
in the middle of the town,
there’s only one action,
I have to turn around.
Next time I’m rushing,
jobs to complete,
I shall check the type of animal
in the car seat!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

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every Saturday until the end of October

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The Cowman’s Lament

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Milk ValueWhen I left school I worked on a dairy farm. In those days, every country road used to see a dairy tanker in the mornings. Now I have trouble working out where my nearest milk producing farm is, I think there might be one in Essex but I’m not sure. When the price of a single cigarette is more expensive than milk, you know somethings wrong…

Old Sam used to love his cows,
more love for them than his wife allows!
‘Marlene Three’ was his dear,
She’d stamp and flick her tail in your ear!
He’d call her always “ma wee hoor!”
before she exited the parlour door.
What he’d make of milk today?
“I’m better off in heaven'” he’d say.

With love and best wishes to dairy farmers across the UK, and especially those facing a future without cows. Sam died over thirty yeas ago and cows disappeared from the farm he worked on some time later.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

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www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Farmer’s Unusual Purchase!

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cat1Have you ever been caught making an unusual purchase and had to fight to explain your way out of a tight situation? Yesterday I was caught buying two enormous bags of cat litter. No matter how hard I tried to explain my purchase I wasn’t believed…

“Why buy cat litter when you haven’t got a cat?
Two large bags, how strange is that?
No furry moggie to rub by your legs at night,
Or howl outside your window after a vicious cat fight!”
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Unloading the bags into the grain store,
“Do you have a cat or what is that for?
It’s a very odd place to be storing cat litter,
I’ve not seen it around,” he said with a titter!
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

We had a slight flood at the bottom of the pit,
when I discovered the wet I said “Oh Dear!”
I pumped out the water into the drains,
Then down went the cat litter to soak up the remains.
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Carrying the bags around is making me fitter,
we’ve enough pellets left for a very large litter!
I’m not really sure if I need another pet,
might have a word with the local vet!
“No, we don’t have a cat!”

Visitors to the farm say they haven’t seen a cat.
“If you haven’t got a cat why do you need that?”
I try to reason I try to explain,
Nobody believes me when I say it’s for the rain!
“I might borrow a cat and put an end to all this!”
cat2
The ‘pit’ in this instance is an underground area in the store that houses the bottom of the elevator and other hidden pipes and chutes. Not a place that you want to visit too often as it’s very dusty and can get damp leading to a perfect use for cat litter!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Digital Holiday!

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LaptopLike millions of houses up and down the country, we have a burglar alarm. Unfortunately we also have a dog that, when the alarm sounds, can do more damage than a sledge-hammer wielding burglar. The latest sounding ended with my Macbook lying on the floor, mortally wounded by rampaging dog…

The dog is biting at the door,
laptop lies upon the floor,
the burglar alarm wails out loud,
the dog looks manic, angry but proud.

At the time I was unable to see much gain,
re-loading everything what a pain!
however suddenly I realise the difference it’ll make,
a digital holiday, a short byte-break!

So if you were wondering where I be,
not at a hotel by the sea,
but relaxing and sleeping like a log,
all because of one alarmed dog!

Go on! Treat yourself to a short byte-break, you’ll be amazed how refreshing it can be!

Baldock Bard 2015

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The Art of Dog Walking!

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Dog and Me!The other day I took my dog for a walk. Mrs Bard and I were away, so the novelty of not just opening the door and saying “Shoo!” was a new experience for Dog and I. However once in the park we soon learnt some new rules that don’t seem to apply here on the farm…

No lead meant some baler twine,
Tied to the collar should do fine!
Then off to the park for Dog and me,
Cocked his leg on every tree!
A polite “Good Morning!” to all around,
The response a ‘don’t-know-you’ filthy frown!
Into the park remove the lead,
“Look at the sign, can’t you read?”
“I thought Dog could just run?
Without his freedom where’s the fun?”
A haughty lady asked me, “who,
Is going to pick up that dog’s poo?”
At that moment a screaming sound!
“My poor Mimi whose is that hound?”
Dog and I slunk away,
Won’t go back to that park to play!

To all dog walkers: This is written with tongue firmly in cheek as, with a few exceptions on which this is based, all dog walkers are sociable and amicable folk. It is the minority, as in with all walks of life, that give the majority a bad name. “Rover! Rover! Oh where has that dog gone now? Sorry, must dash…” 

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

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Posing for an Owlie!

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Barn OwlOne of the best sights on the farm is to watch a barn owl flying in a meadow. It always seems as if he will fall from the sky any minute as his flight is so slow and almost cumbersome. He also looks most un-aerodynamic. However when he sits on the branch of a tree it is a magnificent sight…

Oh Mr Owl are you as clever as they always say?
Portrayed as the teacher back in the day!
Yet as I watch your awkward flight gait,
I know there are voles awaiting their fate.
So Mr Owl, please sit still for a mo,
pose for an ‘owlie’, then off you can go!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

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The Two Terriers!

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Two TerriersOur two terriers have just had a falling-out. It wasn’t all out war, just handbags in the morning. When it was all over they looked at each other as if to say ‘what was that?’ Sometimes our pets can be frighteningly human…

Our two terriers wouldn’t be apart,
sometimes they quarrel,
sometimes they bark!
Mostly they’re a comfort,
to each other,
in fact they’re like,
sister and brother!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Bob Fox’s Weather Vane!

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Bob's FoxIt is remarkable what you can find for sale at a Bootsale. Sometimes in amongst the clothes, books and tools is a surprise! Last week this was rather more than one buyer bargained for…

Bob went to the bootsale,
looking for a box,
to store stuff in,
came away with a fox!

“That thing stole my chickens!,”
a lady at him screamed,
“Can’t have been this one,
it’s crime you must have dreamed!”

If you’re passing Bob’s house,
look up to the roof,
there’s a mighty car boot fox,
it’s expression all aloof!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

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www.u-boot.co.uk

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Charlie the Wolfhound!

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CharlieDriving along the road, you can see the most remarkable sights. The other day I was able to grab my camera as I was not driving. Mrs Bard and I were following a car that had a very tall passenger in the back, so tall in fact that a van might have been more appropriate transport…

When Charlie the Wolfhound
arrives at a junction,
his superior height,
gives him a function!
He looks left,
then he looks right,
then howls ‘Ok!”
with all his might.
There’s just one drawback,
if you please,
he has to duck,
to avoid low trees!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Three Cormorants

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CormorantThe other day I saw a sight to anger any fisherman. Three cormorants were swimming down a river, line abreast, looking for their supper. These birds are natures finest fisherman, however they operate without any control or restraint. As a non-fisherman I was in awe of their skills…

Three bold fishermen,
all in a row,
fishing from mid-stream,
is all they know!
They don’t need a licence,
don’t need hooks,
all they have learnt,
is not from books!
But when they go fishing,
anyone can see,
of one thing they’re sure,
there’s always fish for tea!

The coarse fishing season starts tomorrow 16th of June here in the UK.

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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