The Stagnant Meeting!

Posted on March 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I went to a meeting where important matters were to be discussed. However it turned out to be a rather stagnant meeting where I longed for a diversion. Of course this often happens in the swan world…

“I call this meeting to order,” said Swan number one,
“There’s much to get through, much to get done.”
“We’ve seventy-nine thousand apologies to get through.”
“Can we not name them all?” said Swan number two!
“Minutes of last meeting should have been read,”
Unfortunately at this point a child with some bread,
Turned up on the bank and started to throw,
“This meeting is abandoned, we must all go!”
So the moral of this tale is easy for all to see,
That food is more important than items one to three!

With sincere apologies to anyone attending a meeting today. I’m sure it is vital and doesn’t need interruptions of any sort. Enjoy!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Lie-in!

Posted on March 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I realise it is just plain cruel to talk about weekend lie-ins on a Monday morning. You’re commuting into work, packed into the train like sardines and I remind you of that lazy Sunday morning following the rugby. Foot warming provided by your faithful hound…

Here I lie at the bottom of the bed,
Using your feet to rest my head,
Don’t you dare think of rising soon,
With your post-rugby hangover you look like a baboon!
That presentation due for work tomorrow,
Won’t bring reward only sorrow,
So if I may make a reasonable suggestion,
Call in sick and blame congestion!

Wishing you all a Happy Monday, I hope your day brings joy and happiness. If the boss asks where the presentation is, please don’t blame me, I’m in enough trouble already without your reminder!

Les Visiteurs Canadien!

Posted on March 19, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

There are many events that remind us how life is circular. Every year on the farm, like all the best hotels, visitors arrive and visitors depart. Some were born here and have returned whereas for some it is their first visit…

Monsieur et Madame Canadien Goose,
Doreen et sa cherie Bruce,
Arrived back on the farm last week,
(They’ve been dancing cheek to cheek!).
Very soon, (she’s getting fatter),
There will be a pitter-patter!
Of tiny geese who then will grow,
Learn to fly then off they’ll go!
And sometime at this time next year,
More Canadian Geese appear!
Life becomes one great event,
That’s repeated and heaven sent!

Sheep By Proxy!

Posted on March 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

This week over one hundred wooly-coated grass-eaters arrived on the farm. They look wonderful in the parkland by the wood. However I am bathing in reflective glory as they aren’t mine! I have no worries about foot rot, fluke worm or bloat, to me they are simply attractive wallpaper! All I need to do is occasionally count them but I never seem to get past thirty before I need a nap…

The very best sheep,
Are those you don’t own,
But graze the grass,
Outside your home!
Their sing-song ‘baas’,
From behind the fence,
Aesthetically pleasing,
Doesn’t cause offence!
A simple wave,
To their Landrovered owner,
“Any problems,
Of course I will phone-yer!”
So I’ve sheep by proxy,
Reflected glory,
Without the work,
Or anything gory!
So if you notice,
I’m carrying a crook,
It’s just because,
Its the seasonal look!
When they leave,
I may just pine,
But with relief,
That they’re not mine!

With thanks to Rob for the wooly wallpaper!

Watery Weekend Terriers!

Posted on March 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I spent the weekend on a narrow-boat. Our terriers seemed to like their watery weekend! They were very well behaved until it was time for bed…

Double decker warming, sitting by the fire,
The old dog’s below, the younger is higher!
The old dog then barks, as if there’s an intruder,
The younger starts to yap, is it time for food-er?
But when it’s finally time, to make up the bed,
One ends on the pillow, the other by my leg!
They don’t understand weekends it’s like any other day,
Come early morning, it’s ‘get up now we say!’
I struggle up to let them out so they can shake a leg,
I turn around twice, they’ve sneaked back to bed!

Lions and Lambs in March!

Posted on March 4, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The weather in March can always be uncertain. The days are getting longer however it is a month of ‘two coats’. ‘Two coats’ is the difference between standing out of the wind in the sunshine and standing in the shade! It is also a month for lambs and lions…

Yesterday was a cold crispy morning,
Sunshine later, added some warming.
After lunch wouldn’t you know?
The sky grew dark and we had snow!
But this weather could be a sham,
March, In like a lion, out like a lamb!

…better get those barbecues ready for the end of the month!

Bertie the Buzzard

Posted on March 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

As a farmer I consider myself lucky to be able to observe wild birds and animals at close quarters. Sometimes habits are observed that almost display human qualities. Occasionally I hand out names…

Bertie the Buzzard sits by the road,
On a thin branch that just copes with his load,
He watches the traffic, lorries and cars,
I wonder if his thoughts are similar to ours!
Has he worked out by observing behaviour,
That mans rushing about gives him roadkill to savour!
Or does he just sit there thinking of love?
That may possibly end with a mate from above,
Who circles the sky in sun and in rain,
Saying “There’s that Bertie – watching traffic again!”
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Chicken Manure!

Posted on February 24, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

I do love shopping at discount stores, you never know what you’re going to find. Many years ago I worked on a chicken farm. Every so often we used to clear out the chicken muck from the large sheds. It was an aroma-filled job that used to clear chesty coughs and colds…

Many many years ago,
Into muck-filled sheds I’d go,
The air was filled with a pungent perfume,
Replaced by clean shavings very soon!
We shifted many tons of muck,
(not a job with any luck!),
Never thought I’d ever see,
Bags in a shop – get one free!

Frank The Purple Dinosaur’s Valentine!

Posted on February 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Today is St Valentine’s Day. Millions of people around the world will buy flowers, chocolates and champagne in the hope of attracting love. Sometimes love needs a bit of help, especially if you are a purple dinosaur…

Frank the Purple Dinosaur,
Thought it most unfair,
That he had purple skin,
Wasn’t getting anywhere!
Every Friday,
Come wind or rain or hail,
He took the bus to Baldock,
In love he’d always fail.

But today he’s been rewarded,
A card through his door at eight,
From Betty the Pink Plegasaurus,
Could they have a date?
She’s been looking at his profile,
She likes his manly chest,
When you’re a purple dinosaur,
Computer dating’s best!

With thanks to my two-year-old granddaughter for her help in painting the picture of Frank the Purple Dinosaur!
Wishing you all a very Happy Valentines Day!

The Snap Decision!

Posted on February 11, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I went in search of cheese biscuits. Not the most exciting quest when put alongside the Holy Grail, or the source of the Nile, I grant you, but someone’s got to do it. What I found might shock you…

I found biscuits for cheese from Christmas,
Unopened in the pack,
But in the corner was a hole,
I almost put them back!
I fetched a mousetrap from the drawer,
I bated it with care,
A chocolate coin from the cupboard,
The last one that was there!
Within an hour a mighty snap,
Announced the battle won,
Another snap some time later,
His brother too, was done!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse