The Elderly Talking Terriers!

Posted on February 9, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

We have a natural sun-trap in a passage in the farmhouse. Yesterday I was surprised to find two terriers were sitting, like pensioners in a care home, taking in the suns rays. I could hear them talking at each other…

Two terriers were sitting in the afternoon sun,
“What do you think’s for tea,” commented one.
“Never liked the beach,” said the other,
“I think you’re confusing me with my brother.”
“I think I’m getting thirsty,” the first one said.
“You’re wrong, it’s Sunday, soon be time for bed!”
“I can’t seem to concentrate, I’m getting like Cyril,
Oh look over there, I’m sure I saw a squirrel!”
“The worst thing about being the age we are,
Can’t remember if we chase the human or the car!”
“If we chase the human and get the wrong one,
We’ll end up in a care home sitting in the sun!”

Be kind to your children… they will chose your care home!

Dedicated to Baggins the Cat, from his human and doggy friends, may he rest in peace, chasing winged mice for eternity!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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Limpy The Pheasant!

Posted on February 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

In the open-sided shed behind the house I have a place for sweepings from the grain store. All kinds of birds flock there to eat, particularly during this cold and snowy weather. One frequent visitor is Limpy the cock-pheasant who cannot help but smile these days…

Limpy the pheasant is most relieved,
To see February around again,
He doesn’t care about the snow,
He doesn’t mind the rain,
He just satisfies himself,
To live right by the farm,
And limp up to the feeding bay,
With no sense of alarm!
There is no more sound of shooting,
No men dressed up in tweed,
His only worry is each day,
Where am I going to feed?
The only thing to worry him,
Apart from that old dog fox,
Is whether he’ll find himself a hen,
Before any other cocks!

Delivering Hay!

Posted on February 3, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

The hay I made last summer is now being delivered and eaten by horses around North Hertfordshire. In the most part the end users are very pleased to see the supplies arrive and stacked in the barn…

I took hay to a livery yard,
Didn’t have to travel far,
A carefully stacked up load,
On a trailer behind the car!
Russell came to help me,
As I find it quite a strain,
Chucking bales around,
As if 21 again!

The horses seemed pleased to see us,
“Our supplies were getting low,
Come on get those bales off
Then we will let you go!”
As I was reversing out of the yard,
To Russell an old horse said,
“Thank heavens you’re here with that oldie,
He’s unfit and over-fed!”

I stopped the car to remonstrate,
Was calm and polite of course,
When all of a sudden it struck me,
“Oh! Good grief, a TALKING HORSE!”

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Ungrateful Ducks!

Posted on January 31, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

When I looked out of the window this morning our motley collection of ducks were marching across the field for their breakfast. I remembered that I’d left a tasty selection of sweepings in the forklift bucket. I would like think they were grateful but their thanks were sparse…

“Quack, Qrack, Qack!
Where’s our bloody food?
We’ve marched across six bloody times,
We could say something rude!
What do you call this offering?
Odd selection of grains and dust,
Actually it’s quite tasty,
We’ll eat it if we must!
You can go now if you wish,
But let’s give you a warning,
We won’t put up with lateness,
Of breakfast tomorrow morning!”

During this cold weather please remember to put out scraps for your garden birds. They’ll be more grateful than our ducks, I promise you!

Stereotypes!

Posted on January 29, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had a telephone conference with a stereotypical pariah, who turned out to be extremely helpful and pleasant. It led me to consider how easy it is to take part in mass criticism and tar everyone with a ‘one-size-fits-all’ brush. Can you guess his occupation (answer at the end)…

All farmers are millionaires,
They drive around all day,
Shouting out instructions,
Never fling a bale of hay!
They always have a collie,
Who barks when folk walk by,
They’re always pleading poverty,
It’s enough to make you cry!
They’re always dressed in tweed,
Shoot anything that flies,
To open up their wallet,
With a crowbar prise!
They grub up all the hedgerows
Their face is always tanned,
They scream at any walkers:
“Get orf my ‘effin land!”

To Mike, my new Lloyds Bank manager and all those before him.

Mr Pigeon’s Nightmare!

Posted on January 23, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

On Wednesdaty I dragged Mrs Bard around the Lamma agricultural show at Peterborough. It was by and large an information-gathering exercise as well as a chance to see large shiny machinery (big boys toys!) I can neither afford nor justify. However one simple idea caught my eye. On our farm we have long since given up growing crops like oil-seed-rape and peas that pigeons destroy, so it was a case of admiring a wonderfully simple idea/product in action. It’s basically a kite, on a wire, on a pole…

You can fly it over many acres of OSR,
Or on an allotment if you have pigeons to bar!
If you’ve a problem with the neighbour’s cat,
Fly a Scarem and that could be that!
So all of you who in towns do dwell,
It could save your voice and flowerbeds as well!

…Only joking – we all just lurve cats!

Check out the Scarem kites at http://www.scarem.co.uk/
Brilliant, British and hated by pigeons everywhere!

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
 www.u-boot.co.uk

Bottom Glasses!

Posted on January 20, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was almost taken in by a scam E-mail. So well crafted was the fake site that I very nearly clicked on the ‘ENTER PERSONAL DETAILS AND LET US STEAL MONEY FROM YOU!’ hyperlink. It was only when running the cursor over the link that I noticed it was attempting to send me to: disneymansion.com/support that I realized Goofy was attempting to play tricks with me…

I’ve must get a pair of bottom glasses,
So I can see behind me in computer classes!
It’s become very apparent you can see,
That scammers, cleverer, are attempting to be,
In getting hold of personal details,
Their lookalike scams sometime derails.
So even if they’re from North Korea,
Let hope the Karma Fairy gives them Diarrhea!

…Or locks them into a theme park for a month/year until they go mad at the sight of cartoon characters with huge fiberglass heads and leaves them begging for food other than burgers and fries!
There are some nasty people hiding out there, take care today and always, they must not be allowed to succeed.

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Peppa Pig and the Skinny Tyre!

Posted on January 14, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning Grand-daughter Bard and I sat watching Peppa Pig while her grandmother popped out to the shops. The episode was all about Grandpa Dog’s garage. Suzi Sheep (Peppa’s best friend), is out in the car with Mummy Sheep when they have a puncture and Grandpa Dog comes to the rescue. Little did I know that Grandpa Bard and Grand-daughter Bard were about to do the same…

“Help! I’ve got a puncture,
The tyre has gone flat,
I was about to do some shopping,
I guess that takes care of that!”
“Don’t you worry Grandma Bard,
We’ll be on our way,
The tyre will soon be changed,
It’ll look like child’s play!”

Arriving at the scene,
We noticed air was missing,
We put our ears to the tyre,
We could hear some hissing!
I searched in the boot,
For a wheel to change,
Underneath everything else,
A space-saver from another range!

But it seemed to fit,
I drove back like a nun!
And we all agreed,
We don’t want another one!
It looked easy on Peppa Pig,
Like falling off a log,
Next time we have a puncture,
We’ll call for Grandpa Dog!

You too can watch this episode here: (http://www.channel5.com/shows/peppa-pig/episodes/granddad-dogs-garage) With thanks to the real ‘Grandpa Dog’, John W. who came to my rescue when I couldn’t remove the punctured wheel from the car!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above  

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Back-to-Work Monday!

Posted on January 5, 2015 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s ‘Back to Work’ Monday! A day when it is most important that a good night’s sleep has been had so the harsh realities of everyday can be assimilated with a clear mind! We’re all going to struggle to get through the day, however some of us are going to suffer more, thanks to a bad nights sleep…

We have a terrier his name is Chip,
We think he’s about sixteen,
He likes to think he’s hard done by,
But rarely makes a scene.
Sometimes he sneaks into our bed,
My wife feels his warm back.
I bear the brunt of sharpened claws,
Of a snoring contented Jack!

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Relieved Geese!

Posted on December 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have twelve ‘guard geese’ on the farm. Around the middle of December they become a little wary and nervous. I’ve never got around to telling them that their purpose is to guard the farm and not grace a plate at Christmas, it keeps them on their toes…

Our geese have been celebrating of late,
Because they’ve avoided the Christmas plate!
The same can’t be said of Turkey Murray,
‘Cos he’s now become turkey curry!
The geese have returned to imposing fear,
As they prepare to celebrate another New Year!

© Baldock Bard 2014 
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above  

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Twitter: @baldockbard
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse

The Elderly Talking Terriers!

Limpy The Pheasant!

Delivering Hay!

Ungrateful Ducks!

Stereotypes!

Mr Pigeon’s Nightmare!

Bottom Glasses!

Peppa Pig and the Skinny Tyre!

Back-to-Work Monday!

The Relieved Geese!