Post Christmas Postures!

Posted on December 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, I sat down in front of traditional Christmas TV fare and looked around. A large bin bag of used wrapping paper lay abandoned in the corner. This bag, which looked like the result of a strike by Venetian dustmen (an unknown dog had ‘marked’ the bag), was all that was left of the pile of under-tree presents. I looked around at the slumbering forms, comatose by turkey, and realized that the percentage of post-celebration vacuum would be in direct proportion to the fun experienced…

A bin bag of scrunched wrapping paper
Abandoned outside the door,
An escapee Brussels Sprout,
By the sink upon the floor!

A platoon of empty bottles,
Standing silent two abreast,
The remains of a full-breasted bird,
A tinfoil blanket is best!

Presents have scattered widely,
From underneath the tree.
Along with their new owners,
Some now back in Battersea!

The echo of raised voices,
Excited chatter filled the hall,
“Hello darling, nice to see!”
(Some didn’t mean to say it at all!)

In the next few weeks from Christmas,
Out will go the trees,
All that will remain of the holidays,
Are some wonderful memories!

© Baldock Bard 2014
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Fridge Art!

Posted on December 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

You can always tell if a household includes an under-nine-year-old. You look at the fridge door/kitchen wall! If there are one or two pictures/scribbles then it is probably a grandchild. If more, along with discreet wax crayon/biro scribbling on the wall, then the house has a talented child whose expression is encouraged to run riot (even if the child is not!). We are enjoying the attentions of our very own ‘Granddaughter Picasso’…

We’ve mini-Picassos on our wall,
(Can’t throw them away, have to keep them all!)
The paint flows from the broad brush strokes,
Onto child, into clothes it soaks!
“Bring more paper, I need more!”
Masterpieces scattered on the floor!
Our poor dog has signed quite a few,
Paw prints coloured green and blue!
At last relief from painted foam,
Her mother’s here to take her home!
The dog collapses into her bed,
It’s then we spot – her coat is red!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Ducklings in December!

Posted on December 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes I wake and think “What am I going to give my wonderful readers today?” I wandered downstairs in the dark as I have a lorry to load. It was bleak and cold as I opened the door for two hesitant terriers to salute the morning. Sitting in front of Madame Computer, I looked through a file of photos hoping for some sort of bleary inspiration to appear (aided no doubt by the blend of beans in my large steaming mug!). Suddenly some ducklings appeared on the screen. “Ducklings in December?” my brain screamed, “That’s just plain wrong!”…

There’s nothing like ducklings on a Thursday
To make everyone go “Aaah!”
Because a Thursday in December,
Can be depressing, under par!
It’s dark and cold in the mornings,
A commute devoid of chucklings,
So it’s good to have a springtime reminder,
Of warmer days and ducklings!

….sorry! Have a great Thursday.
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Husky Voices!

Posted on November 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I came across four bored Huskies in a local market square. It was a mild day and they were suffering from irritable howl syndrome. Their leader spoke for them all…

Four bored huskies,
Waiting on the square,
“Where has our human gone,
Can’t see him anywhere!
We are all rebellious,
Impatient we all grow,
Because the weather is too warm,
No sign of ice or snow!
Just over there,
Is a shop that sells warm bread,
Can’t see a sign,
Of a store that sells a sled!
We are having,
Impatience overload,
May just take this bench
For a run down the road!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
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The Abandoned Terrier and his Humans!

Posted on November 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard ad I sat having lunch in the small town of Holt in Norfolk recently and as we ate we realised we were being closely observed. In a Jaguar car parked in the market place was a very disgruntled terrier. When we finished lunch and walked across the square, he told us his sad story…

Sitting on the parcel shelf,
Of my human’s car,
I’ve been left alone,
I don’t know where they are!

I shall look pathetic,
When they finally return,
So they’ll have to spoil me,
Don’t they ever learn?

I may demand biscuits,
I may demand a bone,
And access to a comfy chair
When we get back home!

He will be contrite,
His guilt will be complete,
He won’t discover for a while,
I’ve peed on the driver’s seat!

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Disgruntled Local

Posted on November 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I parked in an exposed car park just behind a windswept beach in North Norfolk. Being November, the beach was almost deserted. After a walk where the cobwebs were blown far away, I returned to the car park to discover a disgruntled local…

My feathers are ruffled,
My temper is raw,
Where are the chips,
You promised before?

You have a warm coat,
I just have feathers,
Patrolling this car park,
In all sorts of weathers!

I was content
‘Till you took it too far,
Have a nice day,
I’ve pooped on your car!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

We’d All Like to be Invisible!

Posted on November 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever considered invisibility and what you’d do with it? The other day Dolly the horse was being exercised on the lunging rein. I imagined I could hear a man’s laughter echoing from the field…

The Invisible Man went riding,
Only Dolly knew he was there,
He was having a fantastic time,
The wind coursed through his hair!
All was fine in the field,
Until Dolly started to buck,
Nobody saw him unseated,
He wasn’t having much luck!

He was dragged along by the ankle,
Through nettles, thistles and docks,
Thankfully it had been raining,
And the field was devoid of all rocks!
At last the coaching was over,
Dolly went in for her tea,
He was muddied and bloodied all over,
No one could see him but me!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Trainee Dog Whisperer!

Posted on November 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My two-year-old granddaughter is trying to teach the dog how to count. Unfortunately the dog shows not the slightest interest in acquiring this new talent. This only serves to redouble efforts towards having the world’s first numerate terrier…

“Granddad,” said my granddaughter,
“I’m trying to teach the dog a new trick,
She’s not even paying attention,
She’s acting so silly and thick!”

I pleaded with the dog just to listen,
Take note of all that was said,
She yawned and looked at her teacher,
Then went to sleep in her bed!

“Granddad,” said my granddaughter,
“She’s now snoring and deaf to my pleas,
Make her take note of my lesson,
I’m sure she will soon count with ease!”

The dog opened an eye without interest,
Then rolled over and onto her back,
She wanted her tummy rubbing,
Instead of a numerate attack!

In Praise of Prawn Cocktail!

Posted on November 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some food-snobs who dismiss prawn cocktail on a menu as being either “steakhouse fodder for Tracy and Darren” or “oh, so Seventies dahling!” I don’t care if I’m thought of as being unfashionable. I’d also quite like to be Tracy and Darren’s age again thank you very much! I care little if the closest they get to haute cuisine is in a steakhouse or a repeat of Moldavian Masterchef on an obscure satellite channel. So crinkle the lettuce and reach for the Thousand Island, the starter is on its way…

Is a boy prawn called a cock?
And does he have a tail?
Perhaps he has a girlfriend,
Once frightened by a whale!
When he goes to bed,
Is his mattress made of lettuce?
Does he dream saucy dreams?
Containing spicy fetish!
Does he get back home?
Parents long in bed,
Having been out on the town,
Painting it green and red!

Darren’s taking Tracy,
Out on their first date.
He’s ordered prawn cocktail,
With a hope to consummate!
On the very next table,
From the hotel chain,
Roofers down from Salford,
Have ordered it once again!

So here’s to all Cocktailers,
From wherever you may hail,
We may not be the trendiest,
But we do love Prawn Cocktail!

It’s a Dogs Lie!

Posted on November 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Wandering in a local town recently I came across a pair of dogs that had been tied to a lamp-post. They looked happy enough and didn’t voice any complaints until they thought I was out of earshot. Then they started to complain bitterly about their treatment. Since they were tied up outside a shop I didn’t believe a word they were saying…

“He told a lie to Mummy,
“We won’t be going far,”
We’ve only reached the High Street,
Now he’s found a bar!”

“He tied us to this post,
With rain it’s about to hiss,
And all we can smell, you know,
Is other doggies p*ss!”

“When he gets back home,
We’ll drop him in the dirt,
We’ve both saved up some pee,
Which we’ll on the curtains squirt!”

“You didn’t take them to the park,
You lazy selfish man!”
“Their ensuing row will serve him right,
And all will go to plan!”
…..next time he’ll have to take us to the park, or else!

No animals were harmed during the writing of this verse!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse