Dolly the Extremist Horse!

Posted on June 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I walked across the field the other day and was shocked to the very core. Dolly, who lives on the farm, was wearing some sort of veil and all-over body covering. Concerned that she might arouse the attention of the Home Secretary or the Education Minister, I made my excuses and left…

Dolly’s been radicalised,
Dolly’s gone to far,
But I think we’re safe,
She won’t fit in a car!

She’s bound to make a protest,
That she’s not allowed free rein,
She’s on a low-grass diet,
That encourages her to complain!

She wasn’t radicalized in the classroom,
(Doesn’t go to school of course),
The Prime Minister isn’t interested,
She’s just a Trojan Horse!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Fox and our Hens

Posted on June 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have become very attached to our chickens. They all have different personalities and are named! (from left above: Happy Hen, Nosey Hen, Overfriendly Hen, Grey Hen and Upthedrive Hen). So perhaps it’s or fault that a fox-strike affects us so much. Early this morning I was awoken by the sound of slaughter…

I’m not normally violent,
It’s just not me,
But last night a fox,
Went on a killing spree.
The henhouse is protected,
By an electronic gate,
Which suffered a malfunction,
Leaving them to their fate.
I was in bed,
Prior to an early morning,
When I heard hens scream,
A nasty eerie warning.
I rushed outside,
Torch in hand,
Not wishing to see,
What the fox had planned.
There was the fox,
in the middle of slaughter,
I didn’t have a gun,
But I knew I ought-a.
While he was killing,
I stood there fumin’
The only others who kill like that,
I’m afraid to say are human.

The Racehorse Transporters!

Posted on June 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My old man always warned me to beware of fast women and slow horses (or it could have been the other way around?) I’ve never understood the attraction of horse-racing, that is not to say I’m against it, but it just doesn’t hold my limited attention span! The other day I drove past a small purple racehorse transporter, it set my mind a-wondering…

In the back of the lorry,
Munching at hay,
A runner at Lingfield,
Two thirty today!
Sitting in front,
Of this tireless campaigner,
The girl groom’s asleep,
Beside her the trainer.
Perched on a cushion,
A book in his face,
The jockey is silent,
His mind on the race.
They all know it’s hopeless,
The horse is not fast,
The owner will be livid,
When the horse comes in last!

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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
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Every Saturday until October!
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The Pavement Robbers!

Posted on June 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week I was in the City of Ely with the family. We were wandering along a pavement when we were accosted by three highway robbers disguised as ducks! They blocked the pavement and approached my Granddaughter…

“Stand and deliver!
Your crumbs or your life!
You’ve eatables aboard,
To feed me and the wife!
So let’s see what you’ve got,
Hidden in that pushchair,
Don’t you dare make a false move,
‘Cos we are here to scare!
Give us up a breadstick,
We’d even accept a sweet,
Any you can be on your way,
Unhindered down our street!”

The Trials of Shopping with an Elderly Human!

Posted on June 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While in a town centre recently we watched a terrier take his elderly human shopping. He drove up in a little electric scooter, gave the human a list and sat patiently waiting for his return…

Jack the Russell drives to the store,
His human needs dog food and more.
He parks the buggy outside the shop,
Looking forward to a juicy lamb chop.
Little girls peer and point,
Them, with egg, he’d like to anoint!
The terrier looks at his watch you see,
It’s almost time he was home for tea.
At last the human comes through the door,
Just in time, couldn’t take much more.
The shopping stowed and off they go,
The pavement traffic’s very slow!
Beeping the horn, “Get outa my way!
I want to get home, not tomorrow, TODAY!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Mrs Pheasant, Her Brood and the Farmer!

Posted on May 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was mowing long grass the other evening with my ride-on mower when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted something moving. I hastily stopped the mower, grabbed the camera from my pocket, aimed and fired! There was a hen pheasant and her fifteen chicks…

Mrs Pheasant said:
“Please Mr Farmer, Stop, Stop, Stop!
My chicks are hidden in this crop,
If you touch them you’ll be in disgrace
I’ll fly up and scratch your face!”

Mr Farmer replied:
“Don’t you worry Mrs Pheasant, just stay at ease,
I want a photo, will you all say ‘cheese’?
Then I’ll leave you and be on my way,
And not be back ‘till next Friday!”

So today I’ll go and take a peek,
And see how much they’ve grown in a week,
And if they are hidden I’ll leave them well alone,
Sod the grass it will remain un-mown!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho

The Storm and the Swan!

Posted on May 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other evening I watched a swan battle her way upstream against the current and in torrential rain. It struck me that although she looked very serene, her life was essentially one of hardship compared to us supposed superior humans. Then I began to wonder if in fact it was the other way round and it was us that should be pitied…

Mrs Swan thought it the norm,
To paddle through a thunderstorm,
Her sole task without complaint,
Protect six cygnets without restraint.

Mr Swan was not however,
Prepared to paddle in any weather,
He would always make a fuss,
Inclement weather made him cuss!

None of the kids dared complain,
For the lack of the latest computer game,
Their only schooling was construed,
To be serene and look for food!

They look at humans and wonder why,
We have a need to sulk or cry:
“Why do they hold themselves aloft?
Look at their lives they must be soft!”

Fergus, the Largest Duck in all the World!

Posted on May 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

To our ducks on the pond, new-arrival Fergus is the largest duck in all the world. He arrived the other evening from Langford, Bedfordshire, where he used to live with his wife Sydney and her sister Bridget (both named after the structure in Sydney Harbour). The ducks on our pond were speechless when he arrived, but soon succumbed to his charms…

Fergus was unhappy,
His wife had passed away,
And he was ever so lonely,
Miserable every day.
We drove up to Langford,
When contacted by phone,
Said Fergus’s Mum and Dad:
“He’s pining on his own.”
So now he’s on our pond,
With our motley crew,
There’s Balduck, an Indian Runner,
And a white duck from Norfolk too!
They welcomed their new friend,
The girls said “Want a ride?”
You’re the largest duck we’ve ever seen,
Come swim by our side!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Wise Old Barn Owl!

Posted on May 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Just after seven o’clock this morning as I was getting dressed, Mrs Bard shouted, “Quick, bring your camera!” Hurriedly I grappled with my jeans, grabbed my camera, found the battery and rushed outside. There on a tree was one of the barn owls, illuminated by sunlight with a dark sky behind him. Just as I attempted to focus the camera, the sun went in. However for me the shots were good. But they were not that good. You see we have a great friend who takes absolutely fantastic photos. He waits around for hours to get the money shot and has a lens longer than the M1 Motorway, but you know me, I have the attention span of a distracted goldfish…

The barn owl sits on the tree branch,
Considering the economic conditions in France.
He snorts with laughter at the state of play,
And the under-fed pigeons on the Champs-Élysées!
But most of all he yawns and he thinks,
It’s seven o’clock, must be time for forty winks!

Rosie and the Policeman!

Posted on May 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Rosie the English Bull-Terrier is one of my favourite dogs. When nobody is looking she can leap tall buildings and outrun the mechanical hare at the greyhound stadium. However her favourite occupation is to sit and watch the world go by while composing doggy poetry in her head. On Saturday she brought her human, Rachel, to the farm gate to watch the Friends Life Women’s Tour Around Britain Ladies Cycle Race go by. Nobody was prepared for what happened next…

Rosey and Rachael were on the grass,
Waiting for the cyclists to go zooming past.
When a police motorcyclist screeched to a halt,
“Oh dear!” thought Rosie, “it wasn’t my fault!”
The tall burly policeman with a tear in his eye,
“Can I please stroke her? I’ve just had mine die”
And then he was off, his face filled with glee,
Leaving Rosie to ponder “how soft humans can be!”

With many thanks to the unknown police outrider who made our day!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse