The Granddaughter, The Chicks and Her Dog!

Posted on March 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Where most people have a table and chairs in their dinning room, my son-in-law, daughter and granddaughter have a paddling-pool with fourteen chicks! It is another new chapter of excitement in the seventeen-month-old’s life – soft toys that move and chirp without needing batteries! Her dog sits, stares and wonders a different thought…

My granddaughter looks at the chicks and thinks:
Fourteen soft fluffy toys!
The chicks look up at the granddaughter and think:
Mummy?

The heat lamp looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must warm!
The chicks look up at the heat lamp and think:
Mummy?

The feed hopper looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must feed!
The chicks look at the feed hopper and think:
Mummy?

The water trough looks at the chicks and thinks:
Responsibility – must water!
The chicks look at the water hopper and think:
Mummy?

Her dog looks at the chicks and thinks:
Fourteen fluffy snacks!
The chicks look up at her dog and think:
What on earth is that with all those sharp teeth,
THAT’S NOT OUR MUMMY!

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Alice and the Six-Legged Raisin!

Posted on March 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes I have difficulty writing even my own name. At other times ideas seem to be like oil on water, spreading so fast that fingers on the keyboard have to run to keep up! This morning, from somewhere within the damp sawdust inside my head, this came rushing out.

While eating a meal,
Alice swallowed a spider.
She felt it travel,
deep down inside her!
Her older brother,
Sebastian Piers,
was always full,
of bright ideas!

“Some fizzy drinks,
might just work,
send up the spider,
on a great big burp!”
“If you stand,
on your head,
we might coax it out,
with a piece of bread!”

“If we fold your feet,
to your waist,
we’ll squeeze it out
like toothpaste!”
“With a fluffy feather,
I’ll make you sneeze,
The spider’s sure,
To come out with ease!”

Alice was tired
of playing his game,
she yawned and stretched,
and out it came!
Her mother said:
“No if’s or but,
you should always eat,
with your mouth shut!”

The Chocolate Rabbits!

Posted on March 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was in Lidl the other day, marveling at the vast variety of random products they sell. I came across a large display of Easter Bunnies. How magnificent they looked in their gold and red, looking their best to attract customers. Then I noticed there were some that were hiding…

Twenty-nine golden chocolate rabbits,
Lining up in Lidl,
One of them is missing,
He’s hiding in the middle!

He’s come over all embarrassed,
Because he’s wrapped in blue,
If you were that colour,
What ever would you do?

But suddenly he understands,
No-one should he deride,
Because underneath the wrapper
They’re all the same inside!

Guests That Will Not Leave (and begin to smell after three days!)

Posted on February 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Benjamin Franklin, one of the Founding Fathers of the United States is quoted as saying: “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” Our geese would heartily agree with the sentiment behind this 280 year-old saying. You see, they’ve had guests to stay. The arrival of Canadian cousins three weeks ago was the cause of much celebration, honking and sharing of food. However the expectation was that the visitors would take a very broad hint and accept a lift to the airport before now…

Two Canada Geese arrived to stay,
With their cousins on the farm.
They didn’t bring a bottle of wine,
The Whites noticed with alarm!
They stayed a week and ate much food,
Then they stayed some more,
By the end of yet another week,
Family relations were quite sore!

The Whites are normally perfect hosts,
(said through gritted teeth),
“Is your flight booked for this week?
We’ll book a taxi with Keith!”
The guests thought they were teasing them,
“You Brits are just so strange,
We are here ‘till Autumn,
No travel to arrange!”

The Whites no longer notice the ‘guests’,
As they grumble so,
Somewhere they’ve read a saying,
About fish that will not go!
The Canuks are not for turning,
They are still here today,
What they’ve not told their cousins,
They only live ten miles away!

February (an unsettling month on the farm)

Posted on February 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Years ago an old farmer warned me about February: “February is always the worst time on a farm. It’s cold with a chance of snow, the cowman is on the verge of leaving, the muck heap is close to full, forage stocks may or may not last until the grass is ready and spring seems further away than ever!” I often wonder what he’d have made of this month in the UK, especially in Somerset…

It’s been mild
Winter never came
Day on day
Nothing much but rain
Not long now
Spring will arrive
Days will be much longer
Daffodils line the drive

The cameras will leave Somerset
The news will move elsewhere
The public’s thirst sated
Still water everywhere
We shall not forget them
As we store up loads of hay
Ready to feed their livestock
And reassure them they’re OK

If you wish to donate forage, please get in touch with your local NFU or YFC branch.
If you wish to donate please go to: http://www.justgiving.com/fcn/donate
Follow #forageaid on Twitter for the latest news.
Many thanks to all those hauliers who have donated their time, trucks and diesel to help get forage to where it is needed.

Water Lane – Water Road – Water Field – Water Water!

Posted on February 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There is water everywhere, on roads, on fields and in houses. I’ve even seen a flood on a hill! On the farm our squad of resident geese are confused. Despite having held a hastily convened meeting, they still have no idea where their new pond has come from. One day there was a grass field, the next morning there was a pop-up pond. Having tried it for size and depth they have gone back to their more permanent home…
The geese are confused,
They really don’t know why,
A pop-up pond’s appeared,
After rain fell from the sky.
They don’t know about drainage,
On flooding they’re not clear,
The only thing they know,
Is Lord Smith is not here!
There are no signs to warn them,
By chance they cannot read,
They don’t even have 24hr news,
To keep them up to speed!
They’ve not rung the Environment Agency,
Nor Number Ten,
They are just looking for,
Normality once again!
So if you see a bewildered goose,
Point him in our direction,
He will have made a mistake
In his sat-nav address selection!
For world-wide readers – Lord Smith is the supposed head of the Environment Agency (a government quango that apparently manages our rivers!)

Granddad on Parade!

Posted on February 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I ache in places I forgot existed. I have been brought to my knees by a sixteen-month-old slave-driver. When she shouts for me, I not only have to jump, but also ask how high! She wants stories-on-demand and despite access to three of the world’s most highly trained dogs, still shouts for more! It has been the most wonderful week which like all good things, is coming to an end…

Hickory dickory dock!
Granddad is watching the clock
I’ve been on the floor
Three hours or more
Now I am feeling a crock!

I am now such a crock
You should see me put on a sock!
I’ve read nursery rhymes
So many times
That now I am in deep shock!
I bought a CCTV
So her sleeping I could see
She knocked it down
By throwing a clown
All I could see was a tree!

Tomorrow she’s going back home
Leaving her poor grandparents alone
It’ll be quiet
Where once was a riot
We’ll replace her with a gnome!

Hickory dickory dock!
Her parents plane lands at 3 o’clock
Another week’s skiing
We’d be agreeing!
We’d have her again like a shot!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Dolly and the Mischievous Geese!

Posted on February 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter is rather angry at the moment. Her geese have gone feral. In other words they are doing what they want, rather than being visible from a window when required. I found them yesterday in Dolly the Horse’s field, causing mischief…

Dolly the Horse has been talking,
In conference with the geese,
They told her she was the prettiest,
That she had a golden fleece!

They told her she was capable,
Anything she could do,
Could she kick over the feed bin?
So they could have oats too!

They told her she could fly,
They said ‘over the gate you go’,
She galloped off down the paddock,
Flew over the gate just so!

There was only one problem,
The geese munched all the oats,
Poor Dolly was left with no supper,
Would now rather share her field with goats!

The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog!

Posted on January 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Looking out of the window the other day I saw a fox meandering away from the farmyard. Rather concerned for the future health of our geese, I rushed outside and shot the fox clean between the eyes with my camera. I then went indoors and wrote this…

“Hey!”
said the fox to the dog one day,
“What are you doing lazing away?”
The dog just farted and turned over,
“You can’t blame me ‘cos I’m called Rover!”
The fox said: “I can’t believe that it’s true,
You just laze around feeling blue,
Don’t you dare tell me,‘I’d like to be thin’
You’re lucky your chicken comes in a tin!”
The dog licked a paw and made a very strange sound,
“I guess it’s back to work…
To being a fox hound!”

The Delivery (culmination of seven months!)

Posted on January 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On the farm there are some jobs that score less than one out of ten! However there are some jobs that may look as if they are heading for such a score, but just before the final whistle can leap to an eight or nine! Delivering hay is mostly a pleasure as it is not only a pleasant drive out, but also the culmination of hard work back in the summer and careful storage up to now. Yesterday son-in-law John and I delivered to a local stable yard. To see horses happily tucking into hay that we successfully cut, turned, turned again, rowed up, baled, carted, stacked, stored and delivered can bring quite a buzz…

Monday morning time out for a ride,
To deliver hay for horses outside,
We loaded the trailer with sixty bales,
And roped the back in case stacking fails!
Off we drove along the road,
Keeping an eye on the precious load,
Until we reached the stable yard,
Reversed to the shed, that was not hard!
Then came the sweat of stacking each bale,
(To make extra sure the stack didn’t fail).
After humping those bales John felt quite shaky,
So tried his hand at a spot of Reiki!
For top quality hay at reasonable prices in the North Herts/Mid Beds/Cambs area, look no further than us!
Contact details below.

www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse