Cyril the Squirrel

Posted on January 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was watching a cheeky squirrel in a barn opposite the house. Very carefully I opened the window, aimed and shot it with my Canon. I was quite pleased with the result. Others, however, suggested that I was going soft in the head and should be put out to grass…

Cyril the Squirrel has a very long tail,
He likes eating oats that should be for sale,
If inspectors knew, hell would be to pay,
He doesn’t give a damn, he just says ‘Yay!’

Up strode the farmer with his ferocious gun,
“You can’t stop me, eating oats is fun!”
Both barrels leveled at Cyril’s grey head,
But the farmer missed, shot the barn instead!

Cyril didn’t need telling once or even twice,
Took off across the yard, “That wasn’t very nice!”
The farmer reloaded and fired once again,
Hit the old water butt that was full of rain!

Cyril climbed the oak tree opposite the wood,
He’d outrun the farmer, knew that he could!
Bang went the gun, missed Cyril by a twitch,
Back fell the farmer who landed in the ditch!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Surviving The Holidays!

Posted on January 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was on the phone to Mick at L&H Transport yesterday, arranging for a lorry to collect a load of oats this morning. We both congratulated each other on surviving to see yet another New Year! Having completed the arrangements I looked from the window to see others who were counting their blessings…

It was back to work Monday morning,
The holidays were truly over,
Arranging a collection of grain,
And wearing an old work pullover!

I spied a solemn procession,
Came around honking, looking for hay,
“We really have been very lucky,
We’ve managed to survive Christmas Day!”

“Our Friend was rather unfortunate,
She went to stay with a cousin,
Was shown her room Christmas Eve,
Didn’t realise it was an oven!”

“When folks saw her next she was naked,
On her back with feet in the air!
I’d like to tell where the orange was,
But with children around, I don’t dare!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Turkey Tales 2: Alvin the Turkey!

Posted on December 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

When we used to rear turkeys for the Christmas market (see yesterday’s blog http://bit.ly/JzUDDr ). The close proximity of turkeys from August to December had a profound effect. By the time the last turkey had left the building on Christmas Eve, you were even dreaming about turkey, turkey turkey! Late one evening after many hours in the plucking shed, Mrs Bard collapsed exhausted in the chair, the cat jumped onto her lap and she attempted to pluck the moggie (which actually enjoyed the close attention). By Christmas Eve the rare hallucinogenic qualities associated with too much close contact with turkey was evident. The only cure being a session of cold turkey…

Alvin the Turkey wore glasses,
Without them he’d miss the path,
All the farm animals used to do pointing:
“There goes Alvin with Glasses,” they’d laugh!

Doreen his mother was a wise one,
Unfortunately she was also long dead,
She used to scold him at mealtimes,
Shouting “don’t gobble your food” and she said:

“If you take care of your figure,
You’ll be on the right side of thinner!
You’ll keep your voice and always rejoice,
And you’ll never become Christmas Dinner!”

Un-necessary Death (on the side of the road)

Posted on December 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

WARNING: You may find today’s posting upsetting.
Yesterday lunchtime a lady motorist stood at the door saying that a deer had been hit and was lying seriously injured in a field. In such cases it falls upon us to put the animal out of pain as soon as possible.
It is the worst job on the farm…

In their haste to arrive,
They hit a young deer.
“Oh dear,” they said.
In their haste to drive,
Their car was damaged,
“Oh dear,” they said.
“Oh look, it’s alive,” they said,
As they drove off,
“Oh dear,” they said.

“A deer has been hit,” she said,
“The car drove off,” she said,
“It’s sitting injured in a field,” she said.
“We’ll deal with it,” we said.

We arrived by the side of the road,
there was the deer,
sitting calmly.
Temptation says:
“It’s ok, we can look the other way,
and drive on, as well.”
Reality says:
“Unsleeve the gun.”

The injured deer
attempts escape
on two legs,
its rear legs dragging
uselessly on the ground.
An awful sound
issues from its very soul:
“Meeuurr,”
“Meeuurr, Meeuurr,” it pleads.

The sound dissects me in two,
it looks with big brown eyes,
and with tears running down my cheeks,
I carefully raise the gun,
pull the trigger.
Pain over,
Job done.

With anger I return to the farm,
If I could find the person responsible,
I’d give them,
what they deserved,
and the deer did not.
THOUGHTLESS BASTARDS.

Please drive carefully on country roads.
If you see the above sign – THINK WHY IT’S BEEN PUT THERE

Bringing Outside Inside (how to confuse a terrier!)

Posted on December 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the weekend Mrs Bard and I went to buy a Christmas tree. While we moved the furniture we left the tree outside. We hadn’t told our terrier who took fright at the plastic wrapped tree and barked at it. Later on we confused the poor dog further by bringing the tree into the house…

The terrier looked at his owner and said:
“Is there something seriously wrong with your head?
Behind the house is woodland that’s yours,
Yet you buy a tree and bring it indoors!”

“Then you dress it all over with tinsel and balls,
And shout when I play with any that falls!
You fetch out some lights then swear as they fail,
It’s back to the shop, shame there’s no sale!”

“At last it is finished, you sit on the settee,
With a large glass of wine as proud as can be.
Within half an hour you suddenly swear,
When I cock my leg on the tree trunk that’s there!”

“I’m thrown out of the room
For ‘arbiratory pissing’
But you’ve failed to notice…
…how many chocolates are missing!”

And They’re Off (Losing each way!)

Posted on December 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Speaking to my Godmother on the phone the other evening, she proudly announced that she’d won part of a horse in a draw. Not wishing to mention Tesco or ‘beef’ pies, I simply congratulated her. How much of the horse she now owned wasn’t divulged, but it sounded like possibly less than a hoof! When she mentioned its name and that it was running at Plumcanton (or similar!) I couldn’t resist an amateur each-way wager…

My Godmother won,
Part of a horse,
A horse bred for racing,
Not pies of course!
She told me its name,
And I was excited,
So I backed it each way,
Was highly delighted.
It couldn’t lose,
Because of the name,
All horses to me,
Look just the same.
“And they are off!”
Yelled a commentator,
My mind on the winnings,
I’d collect later!
It was pipped to the post,
Wouldn’t you know it?
What was its name?
The Snappy Poet!

With grateful thanks to At The Races for the ability to watch the race.
At The Races is available on Sky Channel 415

It is My Dog’s Fault! (I’m so tired!)

Posted on November 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I sat in front of Mrs Bard’s computer this morning and my mind went blank. It was a horrible sensation, almost like being weightless (I think!). I couldn’t find anything even mildly inspiring to put onto the blank page so I just let my fingers run and hoped for the best…

I’ve no idea what to say,
I have a blank page here today!
Original ideas I had no end,
My mind’s now blank, none to send!
I look through all I’ve done before,
Like used confetti on the floor.
I search for a picture that is right,
Find one of my dog I took last night!
I was trying at last to get into bed,
When all at once I spied a head,
He looked at me big brown eyes,
“I’m tired too, please sympathise!”
I ended up with knees on my chest,
My sleep last night not the best.
But at least I’m out of this tight hole,
And have a page of hyperbole!
All that’s left is for me to say,
Enjoy yourself and have a good day!

The Old Cock Pheasant!

Posted on November 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I opened the curtains this morning and there strolling across the lawn was a cock pheasant. He didn’t seem at all flustered at seeing me, I suppose he knew that I was unlikely to be carrying a gun while wearing pyjamas! We passed the time of day until he just wandered off, bored with human contact…

An old cock pheasant,
Once said to me,
“Life’s quite easy,
Being twenty-three!”

“I’ve had many wives,
They come and they go,
The last on was `Penelope,
Lost her in the snow!”

“Now I just stroll,
I don’t really worry,
It’s not that I’m in,
A rush or a hurry!”

“I nearly had my chips,
Met a fox in the rough,
I just said to him,
‘You’ll find me rather tough!’”

“I must be getting on,
Can’t stand and chat all day!”
And with those words,
The pheasant just strolled away!

A Tricky Treat!

Posted on November 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night was All Hallows Eve, known to millions as Halloween. An ancient Celtic custom of remembering loved-ones who have gone before us. This has since been exported, bastardised and re-imported in order to sell yet more tat in our supermarkets! I decided that I could not resist the attraction any longer and so I purchased a pair of special shoes and went out into the dark night…

Trick or Treat is never complete,
Without a scary sight,
But I bet, none will forget,
What they saw last night!
I’d found some boots on the internet,
That and a furry coat,
None can compare or even scare,
An idiot dressed as a goat!

A Dog’s Life!

Posted on October 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have two terriers who make a pretty good job of ruling our lives. I would like to say they earn their keep as farm dogs, ratting and mouseing all day long, but I’d be lying. They make the most of their ‘down-time’ to such an extent that there is no longer any pretence at having any ‘up-time’ at all! When I come back to this world I want to return as a dog, that is, a dog that lives here with me…

It’s a dog’s life,
I’ve always said,
They do as they wish,
Then they hog the bed!

They get up in the morning,
Breakfast claim,
Rush off down the garden,
Less keen in the rain!

Then it’s back to the Aga,
Or sneak off up to bed,
That it’s a dog’s life,
Nothing more to be said!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse