A Tail of Three Monkeys!

Posted on October 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter Marsya has a monkey that is her constant companion. In order to preserve the bloodline there are also two spares! If the three monkeys ever meet they have to be forcibly separated. They tend to become vicious and attempt to discredit the other in an effort to become ‘The One!’ As they say in films, ‘It’s Complicated’…
Spare Monkey lies upon the floor,
He’s just been dropped his head is sore!
He thinks he may be on his way,
To join them all on holiday!
But we all know that won’t be,
There’s only room for one monkey!
Other Spare Monkey sits upon the chair,
Sulking because she’s not there,
He knows that she’s on holiday.
Why he was left no one will say,
So he sits with an angry face,
Because he was left out from the case!
Main Monkey sits in his rightful place,
Just an inch from Marsya’s face!
The other monkeys can go swing,
They are spares, he’s the thing!
However he tells them it’s not all fun,
“You have to work hard to be Number One!”

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

The Dirty Panda goes to the Supermarket!

Posted on October 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was in a supermarket queuing for the checkouts. In front of me in the queue was a toddler and her mother. The little girl was sitting in the trolley clutching a furry panda that fell to the floor. I picked it up for her and earned a suspicious look from her mother and a snatch-back from the child. I simply shrugged my shoulders and looked the other way. What has the world come to I wondered, next time it stays on the supermarket floor…

Alice had a panda,
(She’s three!)
Her favourite toy,
Anne Me!

They went to the zoo,
Guess who went too?
Anne Me!

They went out for tea,
Guess who made three?
Anne Me!

They went to the coast,
Who liked it the most?
Anne Me!

They went to the shops,
Excitement non-stops,
Anne Me!

She fell from her hand,
Picked up by A MAN!
T’was just after three,
Now she’s dirty you see!
Silly old, dirty Anne Me!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Sammy the Lazy Seagull!

Posted on October 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A recent report suggested that seagulls were becoming a menace in seaside resorts. It would seem that they are no longer sea-faring folk but have opted for an easier life. Strange how nature sometimes mirrors our own behaviour…

Sammy Seagull’s father used to say:
“Follow the trawler every day,
That’s how you get the freshest fish,
To make an amazing dinner dish!”

Sammy however was a lazy sod,
Couldn’t be bothered to fly for cod,
He just waited at the edge of town,
Where tourist coaches turned around!

While pensioners went to the takeaway,
He’d sit by the benches then ‘Whey-hey!’
Chips with cod coated in batter,
No trawler around didn’t matter!

Autumn arrives where’s Sammy now?
Flown inland to follow the plough!
The farmer ploughs and the furrow turns,
Exposing thousands of wriggly worms!

In cold bleak winter, frozen pip,
Sammy lives by the landfill tip,
On the hour to feed the brood,
The dustcart brings yet more food!

Sammy’s the fattest gull around,
He’s almost too large to leave the ground!
Meanwhile his father, knackered and thin,
Waits at the harbour for his boat to come in!

The Nighttime Duvet Poacher!

Posted on October 16, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

By mistake last night I left the stair door open. Early this morning I was made fully aware of the folly of my ways in the cruellest way possible. The Duvet Poacher had arrived…

It’s four in the morning,
My brain has a warning,
My feet are like blocks of ice!
The duvet is gone,
I’m shivering on,
The top of the mattress – not nice!

I feel in the dark,
come across something sharp,
Teeth and a body all snug!
Wrapped up in the duvet,
Like a sausage roll trouvé,
I’m thrilled she’s as warm as a bug!

I try to get clothing,
A battle foreboding,
She growls as I pull on her nest!
Tomorrow night,
By the Aga alight,
On a dog bed I’m determined to rest!

…Let’s see how she likes that!

Trimming the Ears on the Topiary Donkey!

Posted on October 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a demanding piece of topiary in the farmhouse garden that is supposed to be a man on a donkey wearing a Russian-type fur hat! It is a nightmare to clip. One wrong thrust with the shears, and six generations of careful grooming (and slipshod un-artistic clipping by the seventh – me!), goes down the pan! I fear it is beginning to look like a large Siberian riding Mickey Mouse (however it is open to artistic interpretation)…
The donkey goes:
“Clip Clop,
Clip Clop,
Clip Clop!”
The shears go:
“Clip Clip,
Clip Clip,
Clip Clip – Damn!”

It’s topiary time in the garden,
Time for a pre-winter trim,
I’m being careful with the big ears,
Not hacking away on a whim!
Why has the man a fur hat?
Was it so cold years ago?
It must have been different to nowadays,
That’s Global Warming for you don’t you know!
I clip and stand back from my subject,
The ears are looking quite strange,
One wrong clip and they’ll just be compost,
Looks like a spot of the mange!
I feel many eyes a-watching,
They’ve come from the churchyard to see,
Grand-dad is leaning on his crutches,
Laughing to bust over me!
My mother, Lord bless her, is frowning,
She wants to grab hold of the shears,
Her ghostly hands just run through them,
Whoops! There goes a piece of the ears!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

The Stressful Life of a Goose!

Posted on October 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was reading an article about stress. It would seem that the more that technology ‘helps’ us cope with life, the more stressed we get. I have to admit, I was a little stressed this morning. As usual I had no idea what I was going to write here, until I went to feed the geese. Problem solved…

Our thirteen geese,
Have never been to Greece!
They’ve never been away for the night!

They don’t know about the Euro,
The Dollar or the Pound,
They just look for food,
Hidden on the ground!

Their life is simple,
Don’t worry ‘bout a pimple!
It doesn’t keep them tossing all night long!

They don’t know about computers,
Mortgages or stocks,
Their only concern,
Is a mean hungry fox!
(and they think that thirteen is a lucky number!)

Goosey Thoughts on a Wet Saturday Morning!

Posted on October 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve been sitting in my car in the darkness of an early and wet Saturday morning on the side of a main road. Due to heavy rain I’ve had to cancel the car boot sale and I’m sitting here in the early morning light turning eager customers away! Every so often a large truck speeds past sending a tsunami of water over the car. So far I’ve turned seven customers away. I wish I were a goose…

I wish I were a goose,
Floating down the river,
Thinking lots of goosey thoughts,
Through the water sliver.
I wouldn’t care if it’s raining,
Wouldn’t need a hat or coat!
I enjoy all sorts of food,
But salad floats my boat!
If I were a goose,
I’d be elsewhere today,
But the way my luck is going,
I’d end up as pâté!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

Bunce the Cat and the Temporary Feeder!

Posted on October 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My daughter and family are on holiday and I have been left in charge! My major responsibility is the care of their cat, Bunce. Thank heavens he can’t report back as I’d be in trouble. However he voices his disappointment just by glancing at me. I know when I’m in trouble and this time it’s deep…

I’m looking after Bunce the cat,
I’m not sure what he thinks of that,
He’s always home at feeding time,
If I am late I’ve committed a crime!
He goes to ‘work’ every day,
When lesser cats just want to play.
He patrols the farm grain store,
Mice aren’t seen there anymore!
But when the tin is opened at night,
He purrs so loudly, all is right!
Then with stealth he’s through your feet,
And hides in a bedroom for a good nights sleep!

‘Bunce’ is named after the makers of our snowplough as he was rescued in a blizzard from a house where he was unloved and un-cared for. At some point he had an altercation with a car and so has a rather strange look about him. However he is now full of purrs and leading a very contented life (except when under the jurisdiction of the ‘Temporary Feeder’).

Stan and the Big Yellow Dinosaur!

Posted on October 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I sat in a queue of motorists caused by some major roadworks. I have always been fascinated by the primeval actions of those giant diggers you see in such places. Having occasionally driven one of their smaller brothers, I remain amazed how, even at my very basic level of operator skill, the digging arm becomes an extension of the operators body and thoughts. However watch a professional and the machine comes alive…

Stan drives a big yellow dinosaur
They dig by the side of the road
Lorries queue behind them
Ready to receive a load

He’s an operator on autopilot
His mind is mostly elsewhere
He daydreams of far off countries
Giant machines live there!

They sit together at lunchtime
Packed-lunch is wrapped in foil
Eat fancy thick-grease sandwiches
And drink hydraulic oil!

One day he’ll just go feral
Take off with his machine and roam
They’ll rip their way through the forest
In search of their natural home!

‘Lilo’ The New Puppy!

Posted on October 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Some friends came to stay for the weekend and not only brought their two children and their dog, but also a new puppy. Once the dogs had settled into a temporary pack, they behaved better than either the adults or the children! But Milo (nicknamed ‘Lilo’) was the star of the show…

Milo lies,
Feet in the air,
Say’s “rub my tummy,”
Oh, yes, right there!

Around the garden,
To and fro,
Legs sometimes fail,
And over he go!

No ‘parcels’ left
On the floor,
Only water splashed,
Where he drinks once more!

He seeks forgiveness
For all he’s done,
“I’m really sorry,
Forgive me mum!”

He’s only little,
Easy to train,
But we all say:
He can come again!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse