Nature’s Cable Car!

Posted on September 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The Vanoise Express cable car in the French Alps is 1,824 metres long and was opened in December 2003 at a cost of €15m. It links the ski resorts of La Plagne and Les Arcs. It has two decks and can carry up to 200 people. The two units operate independently and have spare engines…

Phaah!
The efforts of man!
So often,
overshadowed,
by the effortless,
construction,
found in nature!
Yesterday morning,
on my way to open the gate,
I discovered a cable,
erected by an unknown spider.
There was no cost overrun,
and it was,
completed on time!
It stretched over five metres,
from a nettle,
high up on the bank,
across the track,
to the far hedge.
Which in spider terms,
is a far greater achievement,
than man could ever accomplish,
let alone,
without tools!

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The Proud Indian Runner Mum!

Posted on August 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have a group of ‘Indian Runner’ ducks, purely ornamental but with great characters. They live on a small pond in the corner of the wood. A few days ago one of them waddled into the farmyard with a surprise…

One Indian Runner,
Five little chicks,
Now under a heat lamp,
(started off as six).
For the last five years,
No chicks have been hatched,
Suddenly late summer,
That record has been scratched!
One proud mother,
Of whom we’re rather fond,
Will soon take her family swimming,
On the woodland pond!

Ron Middleton and the Harvest Rabbit!

Posted on August 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As I was watching oats into the grain store yesterday, I was joined by an old friend. Mick and I go back over thirty years, and as happens when two old farts get together, we reminisced. Years ago the combine harvesters were smaller, harvest was a more drawn-out affair and the fields were alive with rabbits. We spoke of dear old Ron Middleton, and how during harvest he used to walk alongside the combine hoping to bag a rabbit or two for the pot…

Like a slightly arthritic,
Elma Fudd,
Ron walks beside the combine,
Waiting for a rabbit,
To show itself.
Tommy,
(Who used to drive the harvester),
Toots his horn,
To announce a sighting.
Ron steadies himself,
Raises the shotgun in anticipation,
And slides the safety catch to ‘off’.
The rabbit shows itself,
In front of the hungry machine,
Hoppity hoppity hop!
Bang!
Bang!
The rabbit looks around,
Its ears erect,
Dirt,
Straw and chaff,
Spray the area.
With resignation,
And a shrug of its rabbit shoulder,
The rabbit vanishes into the hedge!
For the next five minutes,
Old Ron,
Searches the long grass,
For a result,
That never was!
On the far side of the hedge,
The rabbit,
Unaware if this frantic activity,
Is on its way home,
For tea!
Hoppity hoppity hop!

Alfie and the Journey!

Posted on August 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Some dogs are just dogs. Others are like little people in their actions and expressions. Alfie, a friend of the dogs who live with Mrs Bard and I, has two humans. He decides what, where and how they live their lives. Sometimes he thinks, sometimes he sits, but most of the time he sits and thinks…

Alfie won’t get out of the car,
Where’s he going, is it far?
Is he off to visit friends?
That I suppose, somehow depends,
On what he’s planned to do today,
Maybe he just wants to sit that way!
He can’t reach the pedals, can’t reach the wheel,
So where he goes, won’t be real!
So we’ll just leave him, sitting there,
And let him drive, anywhere!

First Flight!

Posted on August 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I sat down on the grass in the sunshine with a cup of tea. Something stirred and I was shocked to see thousands of flying ants being cleared for take-off. It was the first time they’d used their new wings yet they didn’t crash or collide with one another. Despite their wingmen attacking my arms, I was filled with awe…

How do they do it,
Without air traffic control?
They take off altogether,
And perform a barrel roll!

No “Roger, Wilco!” radio calls,
No autopilot – right!
No safety checks to ground them,
Or passengers in fright!

So if you see flying ants,
Salute them as they pass,
It’s us who need assistance,
They just need some grass!

The Absence of Supermarket Bears!

Posted on July 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago there was a small girl who was frightened by a bear in the cartoon film ‘Ice Age’. In an attempt to pacify her, I told her and her sister that there were no bears in local supermarkets. The reason being that supermarket fish was not fresh enough and as we all know, bears only like fresh fish!
Last Friday, Mrs Bard caught three fresh salmon at our local butcher (Chapman & Sons, Baldock). They had journeyed down from Scotland overnight and were almost as fresh as if they had been caught in a local river. Their freshness reminded me of the post-script to the story (I’m sure I spied a bear in Chapman’s)…

Hannah and sister Sarah,
At a supermarket in the town,
Strode up to the fish counter,
And looked it up and down!

“Please mister tell us,
Have you have seen a bear,
Wandering round the store,
About this big with lots of hair?”

The man behind the counter,
Was somewhat taken aback:
“Of course we have no bears,
Or I would face the sack!”

“That’s a disappointment!
Borne out in the flesh,
Because it suggests to us,
That your fish is just not fresh!”

Wester Ross Salmon is available from Chapman’s the Butcher’s, High Street, Baldock. www.chapmansbutchers.com (01462 892359) along with other fine meats, fish, South African delicacies and groceries

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The Great Quiche Thief!

Posted on July 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday Mrs Bard made one of her famous quiches. Not long after it came out of the oven, we tasted a finger each (one of life’s great joys, tasting before serving!) It was a masterpiece, the consistency was perfect, the lardons adding a slightly smoky flavour, the pastry cooked to perfection and the tomatoes on top just sunken in enough to add the finishing touch. We could hardly wait for supper to dig into it again…

Our dog Mali is in disgrace,
I’m surprised that she dare show her face,
She may angelic seem to be,
But the devil can lie therein you see!
It would seem that she has discovered her niche,
By becoming an accomplished stealer of quiche!
She had been fed her usual meal,
But obviously a tad hungry still did feel,
And so while we had attention diverted,
She attacked the quiche quiet and furtive!
She left me feeling quite bereft,
Hardly a morsell had she left.
There she lay, a sorry sight,
Her quiche-filled stomach large and white.
The result of a dog eating like a horse…
We now wait for nature to take its course!

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The Summer Robin!

Posted on July 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I saw a robin. I know I’ve seen them about before, but it seemed unseasonal. I began to wonder if there was an old country saying like: “A robin seen in July will make them hoggetts fly!” or similar. And then it struck me that I was just thinking nonsense again…

Where do young robins go in summer?
Do they go abroad?
Or do they just hang around the streets,
Doing nuffink and looking bored?

Do their mothers just despair,
About their friends and berate,
Their husbands when they come back from work,
“He’s out again ‘till late!”

Do they suddenly become responsible?
With a nest of their very own,
And Grandma Robin knits red breasts,
For grandchildren at home!

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Russell Crow!

Posted on June 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A friend is hand-rearing a crow that was taken to the local vet as a fledgling. As you may have guessed, she has called it Russell. Crows are amongst the most intelligent animals on earth, they can mimic sounds, build structures using hand-tools and write entire novels with a blunt pencil. In fact, believe it or not, today’s verse is Russell’s first ever published work, using beak on keyboard…

Russell is a Crow!
As bold as bold can be,
He’s spent his life being hand reared,
Not living in a tree!
But soon will come the day,
Released into the wild,
And Val will say ‘cheerio’,
To her angelic little child!

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The Beauty of Bovines!

Posted on June 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

If there is one group of farm animals that are eminently watchable but largely ignored in art, it is cattle. Horses and sheep have found their way onto canvas via the brushes of some very famous artists, but few pictures of cows have made it into the nation’s galleries. There is nothing more relaxing than sitting quietly on a sunny day, watch this most graceful of creatures. Conversely, given a cold damp morning as they line up for the milking parlour, their glamour is instantly replaced by mud and muck. However in a photograph this is soon forgotten…

In the Bovine Olympics
They’re having a race,
To see who can eat the most.

They hope that Mo Farah,
Don’t turn up with his ‘barrow’
And pip them all at the post!

They munch at the grass,
Rhythmically not fast,
You can tell that they’re engrossed!

It’s strange to concede,
That as you watch them feed,
They will feed you as a roast!

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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse

Nature’s Cable Car!

The Proud Indian Runner Mum!

Ron Middleton and the Harvest Rabbit!

Alfie and the Journey!

First Flight!

The Absence of Supermarket Bears!

The Great Quiche Thief!

The Summer Robin!

Russell Crow!

The Beauty of Bovines!