The Daily Precious!

Posted on June 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Precious the gosling is growing every day. The geese now take her out and about as they show her their world and teach her how to be a goose. She is a quick learner, but at times has to be brought back into line by the others. Unfortunately she looks as if butter wouldn’t melt and as an only child, gets away with everything…

Hi! My name is Precious,
I’m a gosling not a duck,
I wander around the farm all day,
enjoying all my luck!
My mum (she’s in the picture),
I think her name is Mabel,
Well she and all the others,
Protect me as they’re able.
The other day a big red kite,
Above me started to hover,
The geese all shouted at him:
“Come down if you want some bovver!”
I’m growing every day,
I’m now very much more brave,
Although my mum says of me:
“You’re my very small gosling knave!”
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

When Rufus Wore the Trousers!

Posted on June 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was buying my dog a chew the other day when I spied one on the supermarket shelf that was shaped like a shoe, complete with laces. I was about to put it in my basket when I remembered the trouble I had keeping my left shoe on my foot (the heel has been chewed by the dog!). There is a designer of dog products out there who has a nasty streak, he’s probably got a cat…

Rufus is a very naughty dog,
He’s chewed the remote control,
His daddy wants to watch the football match,
He’s already missed the goal!
Rufus is sat in state on the couch,
Nobody can sit nearby!
Whenever anyone sits near him,
They get a growl and are given the eye!
He barks in the garden, he barks in the park,
He barks in the car as well!
All can see he controls this house,
His owners are living in Hell!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

‘Precious’ a New Arrival on the Farm!

Posted on June 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have had a big surprise on the farm! Our team of geese, who have always been most proficient at laying un-fertilized eggs, have at last managed to produce a chick! Unfortunately their security is so tight that it would be easier to break into a top-security prison than take a good photo of the new arrival (see above!). Getting anywhere near requires the agricultural version of a prison officer’s riot control shield and a stout broom! Naturally with eight proud guardians and one surprised mother the infant has been given the name ‘Precious’…
The geese on the farm are very cross,
When anyone approaches their stable,
We know they’ve got a chick in there,
We think the mother is Mabel!

We approach the guards with a dustbin lid,
In the other hand a broom,
There’s a lot of screeching and extending of necks,
As we fight to make some room!

And there behind mum is a little yellow chick,
Precious squeaks beneath her wing,
Quickly grab a fuzzy-hazy snap,
And leave as our ears ring!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Percy the Owl

Posted on May 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

As part of our certification process to ensure quality and traceability of our crops we have to ensure that any storage area is vermin-free. When I was a boy on the farm we kept pigs in open-fronted sheds, as a result there were swarms of sparrows and starlings. Fast-forward over forty years and numbers are depleted to just a handful to be seen around the buildings. It has always been a challenge to keep sparrows away from grain in a shed until we enlisted the help of an owl called Percy…

We have an owl called Percy that lives in our shed,
His effect on sparrows – fantastic!
What they don’t know,
‘Cos it doesn’t show,
He is made of plastic!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

When Geese Play Trains!

Posted on May 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is something very majestic about geese gently floating down the river. They seem to have few cares in the world and just let life float by. However I am, of course, looking over into my neighbours garden and seeing a perfectly tended lawn without a weed in sight! We all tend to see only the finished product without any of the hard work…

Mr and Mrs Goose and Mr and Mrs Goose,
Are floating down the river.
They don’t seem to care about much,
They’ve got Tesco to deliver!

The Goslings are playing ‘trains’
Just like the ones passing by,
Whisking commuters up to town,
Under a bright blue sky!

But underneath the water,
Are some very large rocks,
These they float right over,
But they can’t ignore the fox!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Twenty-five Unconfined Mice!

Posted on May 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are major drawbacks with living in an old draughty farmhouse. While all your friends gasp at the wonderful wooden beams and rooms filled with what estate agents call ‘character’, you simply long for warm rooms with no draughts and double glazing! Another downside is the attractiveness to small livestock that your period property poses. The little sods arrive, march in through cracks in walls, doors or windows and before you know it you have a plague…

Twenty-five unconfined mice*,
Oh! They’re such fun!
They all ran after the farmer’s wife,
Who threatens her husband with a carving knife,
If he doesn’t shift them she’ll end his life!
Twenty-five bloody mice!

*25 mice killed in seven days with the help of three mouse traps and a jar of peanut butter (The Baldock Bard is still entire but it was a close run thing!)

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

The Day I Shot a Fox!

Posted on May 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Regular readers will know that a fox has killed all our hens. As a farmer I understand a little about nature, just as you get to know a partner after a few years together! I admit being baffled by the behaviour of foxes. Any animal will kill to feed their young, however the fox will kill a hen, remove its head and leave the meat to kill again. As a result we have no hens left on the farm and the farmyard is eerily quiet. Oh! And before anyone tells me about hens – I know they enjoy nothing better than killing and eating baby mice, apart from pecking each other that is! Anyway I digress. The other afternoon I spied an unwelcome visitor and gave chase…

There’s a killer stalking the farm,
And I am on its trail,
If I can get close enough,
I may try to grab its tail!
But if I am a long way off,
Further than I can reach,
I shall use another way,
So a lesson, I can, it teach!

I crept up on it silently,
Then thought. ‘what the hell!’
Had it firmly in my sights,
The damn thing knew as well.
It turned at length and faced me,
It knew the end was nigh,
I framed it in the cross-hairs,
And shot it in the eye!

Now before you get the wrong idea,
And possibly start to moan,
The picture’s on top of this page,
Shot with my i-Phone!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

The Joy and Destruction of Hen and Stag Weekends!

Posted on May 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to the press, it’s high season for stag and hen week-ends. No longer is a simple evening out enough, it has turned into a mini-break designed to outdo the last one! Poor old Blackpool has come in for some stick recently having apparently taken over the mantle of Hen/Stag HQ, from Riga (somewhere in the Baltic, since you asked!). No longer is it ‘Kiss Me Quick’ on the seaside hats but ‘Quick Be Sick!’. Every generation has had its Achilles Hell, without which the tabloids would carry no news! So here’s to Hens, Stags (and Asprin!)…

My friend’s not speaking to me any more,
He’s very cross, his bride is sore,
I don’t really know what to say,
It wasn’t only me who spoilt their day.
It wasn’t me, I thought it was you,
Who put him on that train for Crewe!
I thought you’d checked that he had money,
At the time we thought it was so funny.
But I felt my stomach lurch,
When he didn’t turn up for his bride to church.
Apparently we are all to blame,
For putting him on the northern train.
She also says we’re ‘rebel rousers’,
For leaving him without his trousers!
I’m quite sure it’ll settle down,
But until then we’d better leave town!
Lucy Locket, sick in her pocket
Like a fish did flounder!
Tried to stand without support
of her drunken friends around her!
Little Boy Blue,
Asleep on the lawn,
He’s feeling poorly and all forlorn!
Where is the groom that is marrying today?
Still on the bench and far away!
Little Bo Peep,
Dressed up as a sheep,
On her back a large red L!
She will go home,
No more shall she roam
Tomorrow her head will be hell!
Jack and Jill
Both fell ill
On a stag and hen weekend!
Jill fell down
Ripped her bridal gown
And Jack’s still in Southend!
Please do not try this at home, serving suggestion only!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Exciting News from the Farm!

Posted on May 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have exciting news! Two wild Canada Geese have successfully hatched five chicks. To most farmers this would be as ground-breaking a headline as ‘Jet takes off from Gatwick!’ would be to the national press. But to us it’s historic as it is many years since we’ve had a visiting goose successfully lay eggs, let alone hatch chicks. So I ask for your understanding in our mini-moment of celebration of a small triumph…

A family from far away,
Is staying at the farm,
Lo and behold they’re parents,
No cause for any alarm!
Neither of them claim benefits,
Nor asylum seek,
They aren’t going to end up in the dock,
In front of an aged beak!
We can’t interfere with nature,
We hope the chicks survive,
And all fly away together,
When autumn days arrive!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

A Hen Called Betty!

Posted on April 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the course of the last few weeks a fox has been killing our hens in broad daylight. I suppose I should have known that naming them was: a) asking for trouble, b) childish, considering I’m a grown farmer and c) likely to see a dramatic decline in egg numbers. I was right on all counts and by the weekend we were down to just Betty, her dancing partner Brenda having gone two days before. Drastic times called for drastic action…

The fox has been busy,
been killing again,
all that he left us,
a solitary hen.

She kept looking about
“Where the others be?
They seem to have deserted,
and gone without me!”

Betty’s been looking,
around for friend Brenda.
Wondering what she said,
that could possibly offend her.

It wasn’t much fun,
for the lonely old hen,
to spend her day wondering,
When her life would end.

So she’s gone to a new home,
about five miles away,
So we have no hens,
The farm’s silent today.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse

The Daily Precious!

When Rufus Wore the Trousers!

‘Precious’ a New Arrival on the Farm!

Percy the Owl

When Geese Play Trains!

Twenty-five Unconfined Mice!

The Day I Shot a Fox!

The Joy and Destruction of Hen and Stag Weekends!

Exciting News from the Farm!

A Hen Called Betty!