Category Archives: Animal Verse

Naughty Alfie!

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Sheep on HillI was picking up the litter after this morning’s car boot sale when I heard shouting from the footpath behind the hedge. I saw a black, spaniel-sized dog, running across our neighbour’s field of oil seed rape. The more the dog’s owner shouted, the further away the dog ran. I was half expecting it to disappear through the fence to chase the sheep in the far field. Thankfully it was distracted by a flock of pigeons…

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…”
Alfie’s owner puffed,
while his wife looked furious,
and his daughter huffed.

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
I will tan your hide,
then lock you in the garage,
not let you come inside!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
leave those sheep alone,
If you don’t come along soon,
You won’t be coming home!

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
stop playing with that lamb,
we’ll feed you when we get home,
some nice organic ham!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
I’ll soon be at a loss,
the farmer has a gun,
and he’s looking very cross!”

“Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
stop playing with those sheep,
why they’re in the countryside,
when it’s cold and threatening sleet?”

Alfie… Alfie… Alfie…
Killed the lamb with just one bite,
the nasty farmer shot him,
he won’t be home tonight.

Please note: It is not advisable to feed a dog on ham, it is only used in this context as it rhymes with lamb! The author takes no responsibility for the diet of reader’s dogs.
I (along with most farmers) find the thought of killing a dog abhorrent, however it is up to responsible dog owners to keep their dogs on a lead in the countryside and away from livestock.
Unfortunately, while farmers are within their rights to shoot a dog worrying livestock, the same does not apply to punishment of irresponsible owners. 

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Serene Swan!

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The Serene SwanHow do you work best? Do you need a deadline and find that last-minute pressure guarantees your best performance? Or are you mega-organised, coasting through your working day like a helium balloon on a gentle breeze? In my little world, the pressure is on full volume at the moment and the oven is set to gas mark 9. Despite having had six months of an empty field to prepare for a new season of car boot sales, the weather and my poor time management has led to a last minute panic. It has to be ready for 7am Saturday morning or customers will be disappointed and have yet another excuse to laugh at me (rather than my choice of hat). However all is not lost, I am doing my slow breathing exercises: breath in… breath out…  and thinking calm thoughts…

I saw a serene swan,
gently floating on the water.
I called out, “Mrs Swan,
tell me, how’s your daughter?
And how is it that,
when all around could scream,
all you seem to do,
is gently float on down the stream?”

The swan looked at me,
neither bitter nor afraid:
“You really do not get it,”
she sounded quite dismayed.
“You think I’ve time to stop,
to enquire if you are well,
when underneath the surface
I am paddling hard as hell!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am this Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Buttons the Pirate!

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Friends have a dog called Buttons. Yesterday the vet had to remove one of Button’s eyes. Buttons has been transformed in an instant. Known locally as ‘a mild-mannered and gentle sort’, the operation has revealed an alter ego: The Pirate Buttons, leader of the craziest bunch of smuggling cut-throats that ever wore a dog collar! Don’t anyone dare mention Cinderella or pantomimes, you could find yourselves sent to Davy Jones’s Locker (Oh yes you will! Oh no you won’t! repeat until bored)…

Buttons is a pirate,
Rules the Severn Seas!
His deputy head,
is a Setter (red),
who never ever says ‘please!’

A parrot on the shoulder,
A patch upon the eye!
A single slash,
with a cutlass rash,
watch out passers by!

The gang are ruthless cut-throats,
A Doberman tried to blag!
Walked the plank,
outside the bank,
head covered by a used poo bag!

Around Topsham in Devon,
Where there smugglers be!
In darkened bars,
selling hooky jars,
of Pedigree Chum for tea!

Get Well Soon Buttons!
Pirate Buttons© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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A Grand National Hindsight!

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HorseHindsight is a wonderfully useless gift! Last Saturday, all my stars were lined up in a row, the Ides (of April) were predicting great things, and more black cats crossed my path than you could shake a tin of Whiskas at. So what did I do? Did I bless the handful of lucky heather, pick seven four-leafed clovers and ignore the row of ladders? I’m not a betting man, I wouldn’t know the inside of a betting shop from a ladies hairdresser, so was not contemplating donating to a local bookmaker just because it was Grand National Saturday. However when a Facebook entry from Aurora D read: ‘Aurora’s Encore 66/1… No brainer’, I was willing to step over the portal with spondoolies in my grubby hand…

What was I thinking?
What didn’t I do?
I can’t believe this can be true!
The greatest tip,
I’ve ever had,
66/1 odds weren’t so bad!

In the town,
Granddaughter in tow,
I forgot to bet, don’t you know?
Looked it up,
Mobile Internet,
Outside Waitrose, won’t forget!

The race is run,
Quarter past four,
And the winner is – Aurora’s Encore!
Then I thought,
It’s only money,
Granddaughter giggled, now that was funny!

Auroras EncoreWith apologies to Aurora D, as on July 24th 2012, I suggested that we watch this one as she would set new trends in the history of Auroras (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=900). I ignored my own prediction and therefore have tended my resignation from the Union of Soothsayers and Predictors (Baldock Branch) with immediate effect. (It should also be noted by the prosecution team, that she is also one of my Granddaughter’s Godmothers and so I am in double-dip-doo-doo!)

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Dancing Cock Pheasant!

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Mr Cock PheasantAll around the farm, cock pheasants are trying their very best to impress a mate. Dressed in their finest plumage, they puff out their feathers in a vain attempt to look larger and more macho than the competition. The poor hens hide themselves away and feign disinterest. All the while secretly laughing at the ridiculous attempts at courtship. It is an area where internet dating has yet to reach…

Strutting through the garden,
Doing his Cocky dance,
Wearing his brightest colours,
Going to advance!

On some poor innocent hen,
All drably dressed in brown,
Won’t be very impressed,
When Mr Cocky comes around!

Ignores his obdurate,
Playing hard to get,
Let him puff and strut,
Won’t become his pet!

He dances up to her,
Shakes off all the dust,
It’s then that she relents:
“Ok if you must!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above



The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Beware of Crossing Ducks!

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Crossing DucksA whole car-load of us were leaving a party on Sunday afternoon when we spotted an unusual sign. We kept our heads down and said nothing until we were well away from the venue. I have heard that ducks can turn nasty when crossed, but had no idea we had to be warned against this happening…

The ducks have turned nasty,
Someone’s wound them up,
Their leader has told the press,
They’re holding a hostage pup!

It wasn’t all my fault,
I was just mistaken,
‘Beware of Crossing Ducks!’
Nearly cost my bacon!

We were driving down near Ware,
When out from off a pond,
A duck armed with a shotgun,
Obviously badly wronged!

“Are you the dirty rat?” he cried,
“Lowlife son of a gun!”
As he chewed on a piece of pondweed,
“Have you seen my Betty-hun?”

“Wasn’t me it was her!”
I pointed to my wife!
“She ordered duck for dinner,”
(I pleaded for my life!)

“Now look here, you @*&%@+$!”
I heard my beloved cry,
“You blaming me for what I ate?
I’d be careful if you were I!”

The duck stepped back three paces,
“I’ll be letting you all be,”
Turning to me he warned:
“You’re in trouble enough without me!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For much more verse click on ‘Home’ above

 and scroll!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Twitter: @baldockbard
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Gin the Cat!

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Gin the CatAre you a cat or dog person? Whereas dogs show unconditional love, cats are more discrete with their emotions. They also have been known to show great annoyance at the names by which their human calls them. It is also not uncommon for them to eschew meals in order to make a point, this sometimes worries humans of nervous disposition. This can lead to the tempting to the bowl with such delacies as salmon, prawns and fresh liver, only for pussy to bypass them in favour of the original canned food or dried nuts. Cats know their place, their humans sometimes do not…

We have a cat, her name is Gin,
Because she’s such a tonic!
She’s always been a coward,
Sudden noise, goes supersonic!

Some days she’s fond of fish,
Other days it must be chicken,
Put some butter on her paws,
She becomes a-kitten-lick’n!

She likes to come in through the window,
When we’re fast asleep.
Bringing dead mice to show us,
Then on the bed to eat!

The other day she was poorly,
We thought she was quite ill,
My hand was scratched to pieces,
Getting her to take a pill!

But now she is much better,
Back to how she was before,
We remain her servants,
That’s what we humans are for!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Cull

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Deer 110313

According to media reports, experts have called for the culling of up to a million deer. I see deer every day and it is a sight I love. They run wacky races, play tag and hop, skip and jump, all in front of my kitchen window. They are the most graceful and fun-loving of creatures.
As a farmer, my unwritten contract with you all, whether vegetarian or meat-eating, is to feed as many of you as is humanly possible from the acreage I farm. This is done whilst also taking care of our countryside for future generations. Unfortunately, the damage done to the crops by herds of deer that often number 100+, can be catastrophic. Many breeds were introduced by nobility in the nineteenth century and therefore have no natural predator to control numbers.
I accept that some culling has to take place. Here on the farm, we have an expert shot who (very selectively) culls deer that are then used for meat. I have, however, heard horror stories of skill-less rifle-carriers, blasting away at any deer that falls within their sights without care or respect for their prey. This must be avoided at all costs.
Meanwhile, hardly a week goes by without another carcass lying on the side of the road which dissects the farm, following a collision with a truck or car. This is the visible side of a population explosion that arguably has its roots in the shooting ban imposed during the last foot-and-mouth disease outbreak.
It is right for everyone to join in the debate. But it must be remembered that most of you aren’t the ones who pull the trigger. Talk is cheap and emotions are high, but for the sake of the deer we must look at the problem with both compassion and reality.
.
There are experts talking
of a massed cull.
Unfortunately
not of so-called
experts
but of deer.

There has been much emphasis placed
on the deer’s ability to destroy
wild flowers and
undergrowth
in woodland.
What about the damage
to crops grown
to feed us?

The greater debate
should be the role
of food in society.

Until there is
no ham in Sandwich,
a lack of eggs in Egham,
and hunger in Hungerford,
the population
will not appreciate
the importance of food
for survival.

There is no nourishment
to be found
in the latest tablet or smart phone.
Even the most advanced app
lacks the ability to sustain life.

So lets talk with sense,
and realism,
leaving Bambi
to Blu-ray
and DVD.
Deer Grazing WheatTop picture shows the view from my kitchen window yesterday morning, the bottom picture a small herd on my wheat.

© Baldock Bard 2013

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Dolly’s Proud of her Mummy!

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Dolly HGVThere was great excitement amongst the animals on the farm. On Friday a very excited Dolly the Horse rushed up to me to tell me the good news: Charlotte (her mummy!) was not only celebrating a birthday (Dolly was hoping for cake!), but also had also passed her HGV Lorry Test with flying colours. Now all the animals are looking forward to outings! Unfortunately there seemed to be a distinct lack of cake…

Dolly’s proud of her Mummy,
She’s passed her lorry test.
Just in time for Mother’s Day,
Dolly says that she’s the best!
Dolly wants an outing,
To a local show.
She’ll badger her Mummy constantly,
And then she’ll get to go!
Rosettes for her collection,
She will win (of course)!
But there again you must know,
She’s a very talented horse!

So if you see a lorry,
Coming from the farm with wheat,
Don’t be surprised,
Believe your eyes,
Dolly’s in the driver’s seat!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Twitter: @baldockbard
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The Bear in the Chair!

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Bear in the ChairMany years ago I remember seeing a bear in a shop window. Yesterday while walking through town with my granddaughter I came across a shop window that contained a bear in a chair. Times had changed but it was a familiar scene. I couldn’t let the opportunity pass…

There once was a bear
Who sat in a chair,
In the window of a shop in town!
He’d sit there all day,
Not a word did he say,
Never blinked not even a frown!

Along came a child,
In a pushchair styled,
Like the expensive one in the book!
He looked at the bear,
Just sitting there,
And said to his mother, “Look!”

“If we give him a home,
I’ll call him Jerome,
I’ll be a good boy all week long!
I can’t bear to see,
Him there so lonely,
If you buy him it can’t be wrong!

So she bought him Jerome,
And they took him home,
Left behind his empty chair!
Twenty years later,
If you visit his mater,
The bear from the chair’s still there!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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