Category Archives: Animal Verse

Chirpy the Chicken!

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C1As I get older I’m getting softer, or so everybody tells me! Last week we had a death on the farm. Chirpy the Chicken. She was a natural show-off: right from when she was hatched, if a camera was pointed in her direction she’d assume it was for her and preen. She’d also rush to greet visiting groups of schoolchildren assuming that they were on the farm just to see her! Despite having other chickens roaming the farmyard she was always special, we’re going to miss her…

Chirpy’s mother was a duck!
Who was most surprised to hatch her,
Ever since then she’s hogged the limelight,
No other chick could catch her!
C2As she grew she liked attention,
For children she would run,
She’d show off as if on the stage,
And sometimes show her bum!
Chirpy schoolIn harvest she played ‘chicken’!
With the giant wheels of the trailer,
I’d be waving it into the store,
Her courage never failed her!
Chirpy chickenWe discovered her body without her head,
And buried her in a box,
She’s been denied retirement,
By a bloody murdering fox.
C3 2RIP Chirpy.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Prime Beef!

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Sun Findus CoverSo the great horsemeat saga continues to run with no sign of the finishing post in sight. Ministers call in supermarket bosses for a chat (they daren’t say too much for fear of a drop in donations to the party coffers) and more food is removed from sale. The simple fact remains: the only way to ensure what you are eating is what it claims to be and no animal cruelty is involved – Buy British. Otherwise you get what you pay for and a whole lot more…

The Findus Stakes have been cancelled,
At Market-Rasen and Newmarket too,
It won’t be seen at Ascot with the Queen,
I’ve got the runners, have you?
There’s tiger bread in the supermarket,
A zebra is crossing there too,
Would you eat a jumbo sausage,
If Findus sponsored a zoo?
Findus Lasagne© Baldock Bard 2013

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The Golden Rabbit!

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Golden RabbitI love chocolate. However while shopping last week with Mrs Bard I noticed a rather large rabbit staring at me from the top shelf of a special Easter aisle. No matter where I looked it stared back at me with pleading eyes. It was only following a hefty kick in the shins that I was able to tear myself away from the purchasing opportunity…

The Chocolate Rabbit is after you,
It has fixed you with its eyes,
It stares down from the top shelf,
All children are hypnotized!

“Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!
Look at me and you’re mine,
You can take me home and eat me!
Only Thirty-five ninety-nine!”

*N.B. The Lindt Gold Bunny is also available in many sizes at all leading supermarkets as is a large selection of Easter Eggs to suit every pocket or size of child (from 1 year to 99 and beyond – serving suggestion only).

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Peter and Penny!

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Peter and PennyThere are not many visitors to the farm at this time of year. However, come the cold weather, we often get an influx of pigeons. Mainly ex-racers who have lost their way and decide that Baldock is quite a pleasant retirement home. They also find that the grain we feed them is tasty and an easier bet than looking for food in the hedgerows or woodland. We call them Peter or Penny as it’s easier to remember than some more classical names. However their presence comes with an occupational hazard…

Peter and Penny Pigeon,
Flying overhead,
Pooping down on passers by,
Target is the head!

So if you see them both,
And they prepare to fly,
You’d better wear a hat,
Or get one in the eye!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Dolly’s Bad Start!

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Cross DollyYesterday was a bad day for Tesco, Lidl, Iceland and other large cost-cutting stores as horsemeat was discovered in their beefburgers! This was also bad news for Dolly the Horse as she was loaded up early, destination uncertain! However she confounded her critics and despite a shaky start to the day, put in a first class performance to return in triumph later…

This morning Dolly was so cross,
She wouldn’t climb up into the box!
She didn’t get even the message,
That she was only off to dressage!
The geese and ducks teased her so:
“You are going to visit Tesco!”
As she wouldn’t climb into the lorry,
They all chorused: “You’ll be sorry!”
Some time later off she went,
And won two classes at the event!
The moral of this tale is clear:
She’s far calmer than she would appear!
Happy Dolly© Baldock Bard 2013

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Toby Shaw!

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Toby ShawA friend has a new dog! Nothing unusual about that. You might also be thinking: ‘the Bard didn’t chose to write about our new kitten/hamster/rat/snake/gerbil’. However this is a special dog, not only does he work with Paul Scott (http://www.scottcampers.com), but he is also a legal im-mutt-igrant from across the sea…

Toby Shaw, Toby Shaw,
Is one lucky Irish hound,
He’s managed to land squarely,
With both feet on the ground!

He’s come from the land,
Of Guinness and the bog!
With the luck of the Irish,
He is one happy dog!

He’s eyeing up a camper van,
That’s in for conversion,
That he want’s to ‘wash’ the wheels,
Is a boy Terrier perversion!

He sits all day,
On a warm workshop floor,
And thanks all the stars,
To be sure, to be sure!

Authors footnote:
Some years ago I spent 3 months in Ballycotton, County Cork. During that time I never heard anyone use the phrase: ‘to be sure, to be sure’! BB.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Bard is a Pig!

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Sometimes when out, temptation is beyond endurance. One thing leads to another. Nose sniffs, brain registers, mouth salivates, stomach grumbles and food is ordered. Simple as that! I arrived home the other day and I was in trouble. Not through a blonde hair on my shoulder, stranger’s perfume on my coat or lipstick on my collar but the overriding waft of ‘Eau de Burger’ that followed me in through the door…

I was hungry,
Had to eat,
Spied a pub,
Down the street.

Walked right in,
Foodie smell,
Ordered burger,
Chips as well!

When it arrived,
Its size was great,
Very soon,
Empty plate!

Arrived home,
Wifely dig:
“Eaten out?
You’re just a pig!”
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Dolly’s Christmas Party!

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The office party season has finally slurred to a close. Up and down the land staff have made fools of themselves and said things they’d never dream of saying in private to their cat, let alone to co-workers. Evidence has been stored for use later in the year. On the farm, Dolly the horse has been to a Christmas party…

Dolly went to an office party,
Had her fill of beer.
Found there were no wise men around,
Shouted “Getsh me outav here!”

Charlotte helped her to a singles bar,
Hoping the air would sober.
Dolly told the barman thirteen times,
“No drinksh shinsh lasht hic-tober!”

The barman said to Dolly,
“Why the very long face?”
She didn’t find the joke amusing,
Lost her temper and trashed the place!

So Charlotte hailed a taxi,
Dolly was abusive of course.
It didn’t help when the driver said:
“Is she drunk or just a little hoarse!”

Dolly’s had a good night’s sleep,
Dreaming of carrots and peace.
But this morning she’s hung-over,
Being asked some questions by the police!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Coffee Cream Thief!

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There is a sweet thief on the loose in my office! I had managed to resist finishing a box of coffee creams (my confectionary of choice!) and had left one in case of emergency. Yesterday I remembered the sole remaining sweet, but when I retrieved the box, someone had got there first…

I’m in quite a panic
Today hasn’t been what it may seem
I came across a near-empty box
With a single orphaned coffee cream!

It just sat there pleading,
Would I end it with one bite?
I don’t know where its siblings went
I know it wasn’t the Isle of Wight!

I sat the box down in the corner
On my favourite comfy chair
I popped out for a minute
When I returned it was not there!

I’ve tried to hide the evidence
Of what took place today
The dog has dropped me in it
By choosing the box to take to play!

There’s a coffee-cream-eater on the loose
It was in this area today
I’m either off to the shop in St Neots
Or sweetparadise.co.uk!

CCTV STILL OF THE SUSPECTED COFFEE CREAM THIEF!

For Christmas Sweets of the old-fashioned kind either visit those very nice people at 4, Cross Keys Mews, St Neots, Cambs, PE19 2AR or http://sweetparadise.co.uk

Tell them “The Bard sent you!”
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A Stable Delivery!

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Yesterday we made inroads into our haystack (see bards passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=784 & http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=917) by delivering a hundred bales to a local stable yard. This we stacked in a stable (with more success than in our own barn!). It was a sunny morning and the view from the high tractor cab on the journey was superb…
We delivered a hundred bales of hay
To a stable not far away
There wasn’t a star
To shine from afar
No wise men carting bales there today!

We drove the roads for a time
The view over hedges sublime
The frost in the lee
Of an ancient oak tree
Pretty seasonal grass-covered in rime!
We stacked the bales in the stable
With skill we knew we were able
The stack was quite tall
We hope it won’t fall
To emulate the Tower of Babel!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

FOR DELICIOUS HAY
(Local deliveries only)
E-MAIL: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk

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