Category Archives: Animal Verse

The Multi-Tasking Failure!

Posted on by
Share

I spent last Saturday on a narrow boat moored beside a butter-cup-laden grass field at Hemmingford in Cambridgeshire. As well as being the day of a certain well-publicised royal wedding, it was also my wife and my 39thwedding anniversary. How she has put up with me for all those years I’ll never fully understand. However I was on my best behavior and things were going well until I took our two terriers for a long walk…

A farmer you know walked two terriers on leads,
from a distance you could hear his cussing and pleads!
You also notice he’s on the phone,
a multi-tasking man out on his own!
He meets a couple with a puppy in tow,
quite well behaved no lead don’t you know,
all of a sudden a terrier breaks free,
it’s collar’s empty on the lead now you see!
The two absconders run out of sight,
a shaggy black puppy and terrier with fight,
thankfully they run to the farmer’s wife on her boat,
when he finally arrives (I’m not going to quote!),
she note from his breathlessness not all’s gone to plan,
“You can’t multi task because you are a man!”

Have a terrific Tuesday and if things go wrong, don’t admit you were on the phone!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share

Something Called Love!

Posted on by
Share

We have rescued another duck, this time a white female who was abandoned when her owners moved house and left her behind. After a few false starts when she assumed she was a rather small goose and tagged onto the others, she has now settled down and is attempting to attract the eye of another of our residents…

Miss Jemima Duddlepuck’s boyfriend,
is very very shy,
pretends he cant’t see her,
when she gives him the eye!
He hides his head,
when she says “look at me!”
He quietly responds,
“it’s no use I can’t see!”
He just doesn’t get it,
looks like he’ll get the shove,
it’s that weird condition,
something they call love!

Thank you TR for suggesting in your e-mail: ‘it’s just a man-thing!’ Of course I couldn’t possibly comment!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

Share

Five Orphan Ducklings!

Posted on by
Share

On Saturday afternoon Mrs Bard spotted five ducklings, clinging to a log, floating down the river. While four looked like they would possibly make the perilous journey, the fifth looked all-in. Luckily the log bumped into our moored boat and I was able to rescue them with a fisherman’s net. Despite much searching, there was no sign of a mother-duck and as it became apparent that they were well away from home territory, a rescue operation was put into place…

Five orphan ducklings,
clinging to a log,
floating down the river,
there’s barking from a dog.
Five orphan ducklings,
floating on a raft,
there’s a farmer with a net,
his friends will think he’s daft!
Five orphan ducklings,
are now in the car,
twenty-four miles later,
safe and warm they are!
Five little ducklings,
are well-fed and alive,
will be on a farmer’s pond,
they’ll be safe and hopefully will thrive!
I know that I’ve gone soft, but the older I get, the less I care! Many thanks to Val for being such a wonderful surrogate mummy and providing them with a snuggly sock-warmer nest!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

Share

The Breakfast Buffet!

Posted on by
Share

Many years ago in the far-off mists of time we used to rear turkeys for the Christmas market. Only one reminder of that time remains in the yard, a galvanized feeding trough which we now use to put out feed for our guard geese. However, as is the case with a free breakfast buffet, others make use of it too…

Saw a sight this morning,
made me splutter and cough,
two pheasants were standing,
in the geese’s trough!
Another was shouting,
“I think it’s very rude,
that you’re standing,
in someone else’s food!”
The cock pheasant said,
“I don’t think that I am,
and frankly my dear,
I don’t give a damn!”

Dedicated to anyone who may have been barged out of the way this morning at a hotel breakfast buffet! May the guilty suffer indigestion all morning!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

Share

Pondering!

Posted on by
Share

We have a very old stone bench in the garden. It’s nothing special, but sometimes it catches the sun and being out of the wind, is a great place to ponder. Saturday was one of those rare April days when it was both dry and warm. I did some tidying up in the garden and then sat with two dogs to ponder…

I was pondering on the bench,
should I mow?
Should I risk it?
The two dogs sat with me,
all they wanted was a biscuit!

May you find time to ponder sometime during the hustle and bustle of you week

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


Share

Walking Like a Reality Star!

Posted on by
Share

Yesterday I found myself in ‘School-mode’ forty-four years since I last sat behind a desk. I was sitting at my laptop, thinking empty thoughts and staring out of the window! In the distance a Canada goose walked towards the wood and just for a split second I had a vision of a famous reality-rear…

She twerks like a reality-star,
as she walks away,
her hips take on a life of their own,
as they begin to sway.
She always looks back,
to make sure we can see,
as if she’s teasing us:
“Look at me, look at me, look at me!”

…and then dazzled by her star quality, I grabbed the camera and headed towards the wood to capture a picture of her in all her glory!
I was duped and she was papped!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
Season starts 7am Saturday 14thApril 2018
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

Share

Shooting a Squirrel (with camera!)

Posted on by
Share

When I was young I was keen on shooting. I started with an air-gun on the multitudes of sparrows and starlings that used to guzzle the expensive pig food, moved on to a shotgun against pigeons that were guzzling the oil-seed rape plants and onto pheasants for the pot. As I grew older my aim grew more haphazard until I was even missing barn doors! The last time I fired a gun in anger didn’t go well and so I now confine myself to ‘safe shooting’ with a camera…

There was a squirrel eating oats in the shed,
that I’d put out for birds instead,
I thought I’d go fetch my gun and see,
I remembered last time – ‘stupid me’:

I’d poked the gun out from the window,
lined up the animal (not a flamingo!),
pulled the trigger to shoot it dead,
and shot the gutter downpipe instead!
The next time it came to rain
downpipe like a colander – not the same!

So having learned an expensive lesson,
I took a picture of the delicatessen,
leaving the gun safely locked away,
and the gutter to live for another day!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Naughtiest Dog…

Posted on by
Share

Like many farmhouses, ours has a large garden. It is surrounded by an agricultural-style fence to keep rabbits out and dogs in. However unlike most farmhouses, ours is home to the Naughtiest Dog in the Whole Wide World…

We let our terrier out of the door,
a call of nature was needed,
a muntjac deer strolled across the lawn,
“Come back here!” we pleaded.
They chased all around the garden,
at last the terrier tired,
the muntjac cleared the four-foot fence,
and the naughty dog retired.
Now it is down to the lead of shame,
so the episode isn’t repeated,
I do so hope the muntjac,
has back to the wood retreated.

Why is it that the smallest dog we have ever owned is the most disobedient?
I had to apologise to the person on the end of the phone as she suffered an ‘Anneka Rice’ moment as I ran down the garden swearing at the dog!
(We love her really although she can be tiring!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

The Indestructible Toy!

Posted on by
Share

While yesterday I was unsure of what to write, this morning the topic faced me when I got down to the kitchen. A so-called indestructible toy lay paunched on the floor by the Aga and two guilty terriers hardly dared look at me! Looks like pocket money will be short for a while…

“We didn’t do it, honest,
it was like this when we woke,
I looked at her, she looked at me,
she said ‘fancy that, it broke!‘”

I went to fetch the broom,
which they chased around the floor,
when I finally managed to sweep it up,
they looked at me and said “More!”

Have a good day and remember that if a dog toy says ‘Indestructable’, that is simply a challenge for your dog not a promise!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share

Threatened and Mugged!

Posted on by
Share

Yesterday morning I was threatened and mugged as I walked to work. The assailants, all white, weren’t after my mobile, fancy trainers or cash, but after wheat! Spring is definitely in the air as they are getting more boisterous by the day…

“Stand and Deliver!”
the geese all shout,
“Put down that phone,
and get the wheat out!”

“Don’t hesitate,
or try nothing funny,
we just want some wheat,
to help fill our tummy!”

I went to the hopper,
and scooped out some food,
They then honked some more,
(I think it was rude!)

If you find yourself mugged by a bird today, just give in as quickly as possible and walk on, you know it makes sense! Just in case you think I’m the only sucker on the block, Val is regularly mugged too! Take care out there – the farmyard is a dangerous place!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

Share