Unwelcome Guests!

Posted on November 28, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever had guests that just would not leave? Visitors that, like fish, go off after a few days? It is very pleasant to have welcomed company, but unwelcomed guests can be a problem…

They first appeared about a week ago,
Despite our advances just wouldn’t go.
We employed the dogs they didn’t care,
Very soon they were everywhere!

We borrowed a cat who just did sleep,
They taunted her like stampeding sheep.
Then they started to dance at night,
The noise was enough to give us a fright!

At last we’d had enough of that,
And in each cupboard laid a trap.
For sleepless nights retribution seek,
I’ve had 25 mice in just one week!

Now we’re down to the very last few,
No mouse traps left in B&Q!
The last visitor to leave I heard mutter:
“It’s deadly stuff, that peanut butter!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
Apologies to anyone who is awaiting a response to an e-mail or enquiry. The Internet is down for the second time in a week and BT are ‘looking into a problem at the exchange. I don’t expect reconnection anytime soon, but will answer as soon as humanly possible. Thank you for your patience. B.B.

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Dolly’s Hospital Stay!

Posted on November 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

It is never easy when an animal is taken ill. Unlike some people, who rush to the doctor with every bump, scrape or minor discomfort, animals are reluctant to tell the vet what is wrong. Dolly the Horse (She on the farm who must be obeyed!) competed in a dressage competition on Sunday before being taken seriously ill. So worried was the vet that she spent 24 hours at the Royal Veterinary College under observation. Thankfully she is now back on the farm and is bossing everyone about once more…

Dolly the horse went out for the day,
No grass in the field, no eating hay.
She went to an event to compete.
But her day ended up incomplete.
After the competition she fell ill,
The vet was called – no magic pill.
Not allowed home but instead,
Ended up in a hospital bed!
Sweating and shivering she’d had a fright,
Just to be sure, kept in overnight.
The chickens noted that she’d not risen,
Wondered if she’d gone to prison!
The silly geese with no GCSEs,
Were able to patrol the farm with ease!
But everyone else had fingers crossed,
It was too quiet not being bossed!
The nosey ducks had heard somebody say:
“It’s possible that she’ll be back today!”
But nobody believes a duck called Bill,
When Dolly’s stable was quiet and still.
But late last night when the sky was black,
A shout went up “DOLLY IS BACK!”

With our grateful thanks to the duty vet who tended to Dolly and the staff at the Royal Veterinary College for their kindness and care.

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Dragon!

Posted on October 25, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A man in Baldock owns a dragon! He holds down a managerial position, has a mortgage and a mid-range Ford, yet believes he owns a dragon. It is a sign of our strange times that a perfectly sensible man can be so addicted to an internet gaming site that it has skewed his grip on reality. Must away to work on my virtual farm and feed the unicorns…

A bloke I know has a dragon
A secret from his wife
His workmates all tell him
He’s got to get a life!

He’s had it for a fortnight
It’s the pet he loves the most
It came across the cat
The pussy’s now a roast!

He’s concerned for its welfare
Is careful what it’s eating
He says it will be useful
To power the central heating!

The neighbours are concerned
Their stress levels are complete
They’ve been on to the council
Scorch marks in the street!

He even named it Sandra
(After his wife of course)
Someone went and told her
Now it’s the dragon or divorce!

Thanks to Paul from www.scottcampers.com for the story (give him a VW van and some cash and he’ll convert it to a campervan you’ll want to show the neighbours!).
If you have any unusual friends, hobbies or hang-ups please let me know as I’m always on the look-out for inspirational topics.

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Dolly’s Dreamy Haircut!

Posted on October 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Dolly the horse has an aversion to the beauty salon. She head-buts, kicks out and generally becomes ‘ASBO-Horse, Scourge of the Stable!’ Yesterday it was time for a trim – Protective helmets were donned, reinforcements drafted and the vet was called. If she reads this I’m in big trouble…

Alas poor Dolly she looks so sad,
She’s not been ill, she’s not been bad.
She just hates her coat being trimmed,
A small injection, her senses dimmed.
She falls asleep, has horsey dreams,
Lush fields of grass by gurgling streams!
By this morning in the paddock she’ll float,
Muttering aloud: “Where’s my coat?”
I’m so grateful that when I worry,
My owner doesn’t tell the vet to hurry!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Lamb with Apple Sauce!

Posted on October 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Hurrah! The orchard that we planted in 2011 is bearing fruit. Seventeen apples to be precise. It is also home to some of the best grass mowers money can’t buy: Merlin, Nuthatch (known as ‘Nutty’) and Nightjar, three very photogenic and championship-winning Black-Welsh rams belonging to a local stockman. While out harvesting the large crop this morning I started to sing an ancient nursery rhyme. You may just be able to sing it too…

Baa baa black sheep
Can I have an apple?
No Sir, No Sir,
They’re all for the chapel!

One for the minister,
And one for Elaine,
And one for Gareth Bale,
Who plays at White Hart Lane!

The Nonchalant Caterpillar!

Posted on September 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Some people worry their way through life while some have a very laid-back attitude to problems. When my father-in-law died in his nineties he had the blood pressure of a man of 35! I would be a hypocrite if I suggested that we all should worry less, perhaps it’s all down to genetics…

A very laid-back caterpillar,
Once crossed a busy road.
When asked why he did it:
“To search for a new abode!”

I said, “surely its too dangerous,
Crossing busy roads,
Trucks are speeding by right now,
Carrying heavy loads.”

He replied with a don’t-care shrug,
“It’s just one of those things,
And anyway I soon will say:
It’s much easier with wings!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Ignoring the Noisy Neighbours!

Posted on September 5, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday we headed down from our Welsh mountain cottage in the clouds, where we are spending a couple of days with a friend, into the nearest town. The scenery was breathtaking, a picture postcard view around every hairpin bend. The silence was absolute, until we were joined by some noisy neighbours…

Yesterday morning we went into town,
To do some shopping and look around,
It was not far, just down the mountain,
About eight miles but no-one was counting!
So we drove off down the roads single track,
Sat-nav was set to find our way back!
We drove through a narrow high mountain pass,
Hillside sheep were munching away at some grass,
When all of a sudden a deafening sound,
Of a low-level jet fighter hugging the ground!
To be flying that low, the pilots are brave,
I am convinced that I saw one wave!
When I had recovered looked back up the pass,
The sheep were still munching away at the grass!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Bruce the Cockerel

Posted on August 31, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

As with our cats and dogs, farmyard animals become members of our extended family. It’s probably because we name them and see them wandering around the farm every day. Our North Holland Blue Cockerel died this week and it’s not only the hens that are missing him…

Bruce the Cockerel is no more,
We found him dead upon the floor.
Why he died we cannot say,
He just looked hunched then passed away.

Unlike some cockerels he was kind and gentle,
So his loss to the hens is monumental.
The farm is quieter now we know,
We’ll no longer be woken by his morning crow!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Floating Swan!

Posted on August 26, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I have never quite seen the attraction of bird-watching. However this morning I watched mesmerised as a swan floated down the river. It was oblivious to boats, rowers and fisherman as it floated past, fast asleep! The more I watched this graceful bird, the more it served to highlight the futility of certain human obsessions…

A single sleeping dreaming swan was floating down the river,
What are its innermost thoughts and will its dreams deliver?
Will it meet a mate and father offspring too?
Or possibly fly away from here and visit Timbuktu?
Will it go for ‘A’ Levels and possibly a good degree?
Or float through life’s many options on the basis of “we’ll see!”
Will it get promotion? (at the River Bank!)
Or receive a staged award and give a speech to thank?
Will it eat a gourmet meal prepared by Chef Rick Stein?
Or sit down to a salad and a decent choice of wine?
Will it wear the ‘latest look’? (so long as it is white!)
Or buy a great big plasma screen to watch some TV shite?
Will it choose a fortnight on a beach in sunny Spain?
Or happy in St Neots with some cloud or chance of rain?

Or is it just dreaming of winning ‘Britain’s Got Talent’?
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Tunnel Vision!

Posted on August 10, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

In any job there are unpopular tasks that are put off until later. On the farm anything that involves crawling around in the small concrete drying tunnels under the grain store is left until the last minute. When I was down there yesterday I hit my head in the dark. Everyone has been questioning my every word since…

I was down in the tunnel under the grain store,
Mending a slide under bin four.
I looked up suddenly and hit my head,
When I came round a small mouse said:
“Please Mr Farmer may I request,
When down here, you wear a high-vis vest!
And also please I do insist,
You get out now and start harvest!
I know you think me a trifle rude,
But me and my family could do with some food!”
I replied and tried to explain:
“It’s been a wet summer we’ve had much rain.”
The mouse just shrugged in a mouse-like way,
“That’s a poor excuse,” then walked away.
When I crawled back out into the sunlight,
John asked me “was I was feeling alright?”
As I walked away holding my head,
He asked me what down there I’d said,
Over my shoulder on the way to the house,
“I was only chatting to a small hungry mouse!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Category Archives: Animal Verse