Category Archives: Animal Verse

The Little Dog’s Secret!

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I wonder how many of you, having looked at the picture above, though ‘aaah, look at that lovely little dog!’ Unfortunately I have to tell you that you’ve been had! Our ‘little precious’, puppy-like Chihuahua crossed with a Jack Russell (apparently sweetly termed a Jack Chi),  has a hidden secret…

Without a sorry,
nary a pardon,
she runs out of the house,
straight down the garden.
For her every day,
can turn into a thriller,
she’s a cute and charming,
wood pigeon killer.
They strut across the lawn,
(looking out for a cat),
but see no danger,
in a cute doggy like that!
Before they know it,
take flight to the air,
the little dog is leaping,
“It’s simply not fair!”
This terrible act,
in all sorts of weathers,
the evidence is there,
pigeons tail feathers!

Whether people or animals, it’s always the most innocent-looking that strike the hardest!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

 

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Black and White

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One of the finest of morning views from our kitchen window is deer grazing in the rear meadow. Yesterday there was a whole group, quietly chomping on grass, along with one that was not the same as the others. Despite its unusual light-faun colouring none of the others took any notice…

One odd-coloured deer,
grazing in the meadow,
none of the others noticed,
if a girl or a fellow.

It muddled in with the others,
no sign of any fear,
didn’t matter about the colour,
was just another deer!

None of them shunned it,
no-one called it ‘scum’,
and humans have the cheek to say:
“animals are all dumb!”

If we had half the sense of animals we’d be better humans. BB

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Cocky the Pheasant!

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“Pinch, Punch, First of the Month, no returns, rabbits and hares” …and pheasants! The old children’s saying has probably been banned by now but with a small addition it could sum up the beginning of February here on the farm. It is traditionally a month of discontent and bad weather, however for Cocky our friendly pheasant in the garden it means he’s safe from someones pot for another year…

“I’m safer this morning thank goodness,
than I was the day before,
not from the Bard you understand me,
‘cos he couldn’t hit a barn door!

The other day on the drive,
I stood in front of his car,
he opened his door to ‘shoo’ me,
I asked him ‘are we going far?’

I tried to get in through the window,
then had a go at the door,
he drove off at last without me,
leaving me all angry and sore!

I shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds me,
wheat and all sorts of grain,
but the shooting season is now over,
and I’m free to bully him again!”

Having not picked up a gun in years the world is a safer place and the barn door has been mended! If Cocky Pheasant comes at me again I may be forced to swear at him!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Steve the Seagull!

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When you write, there are some days when a topic or words just won’t come. In true British fashion, the weather is generally good for a few lines, but once you’ve said “it’s raining again’, it’s hard to find different words and ways. This morning is one of those mornings, so for my 1650th posting I apologise from the comfort of the bathroom we share with Steve…

The final day of January,
Steve the Seagull’s very glad,
he looks from the bathroom,
outside the weather’s bad.
The rain is horizontal,
It’s lashing down “oh my!”
He lets out a chuckle,
‘cos inside he’s nice and dry!

With apologies for such a corny weather-related post and a big ‘sorry’ to my old English teacher for using his banned word ‘nice!’ Have a good day and stay dry!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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The Brisk Walk!

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Yesterday we had snow, there was also a bitterly cold wind and so it was the perfect day to go for a stroll (brisk) before lunch! My granddaughter led the way without complaint, however halfway around the wood her dog had a change of mind…

Walking through the wood,
snow crunches on the ground,
the lazy wind goes through you,
rather than around!
Pabi (my Granddaughters dog),
decides she’s had enough,
off she runs back home,
in a batey-angry-huff!
Back at the house,
she awaits our return,
straight in front of the fire,
first back – it’s her turn!

Have a great week and I hope you get the best spot in the warm!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Goose Down!

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The guard geese who patrol our farmyard have suffered a fatality. One of their ranks has gone on permanent AWOL. It is strange that they are something we see and hear every day, yet it was immediately apparent that their numbers had been reduced by one…

Goose number 13,
has run out of luck.
not a lucky number,
if you’re goose, human or duck!

Into the cause of death,
I had no wish to delve,
just went out one morning,
and only counted twelve.

No need for a casket,
or even a box,
just a pile of feathers left,
after feeding a local fox.

So there is now one less,
patrolling up the yard,
“Intruder Red Alert –
Call out the guard!”

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The Trap!

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I have been attempting the annual migration of unwanted paperwork from my office to the recycling bonfire. Once I could see the floor I stood back and admired phase one. Mrs Bard however was less impressed when later on she came face to face with an unwanted lodger…

I’ve got a mouse in my office,
I put a trap on the floor,
baited it with some chocolate,
and then I slammed shut the door,

This morning I expected success,
but the chocolate had gone,
a note suggested different bait,
signed from ‘Squeaky Mate – Ron!’

I was tempted to add some Marmite,
but peanut butter some say is best,
I’ll let you know of the outcome,
and which bait I find beats the rest!

Apparently 85% Cocoa chocolate is too good for squeakers and they prefer ordinary Milk Chocolate (or similar!)

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Walking Llamas!

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The other day I was driving along an ordinary road, listening to ordinary radio and thinking ordinary thoughts when I came across an extraordinary sight. A group of people were walking llamas! As Poirot might have said in his best continental accent: “In-croy-able!” I quickly snapped a picture on my trusty i-phone and continued on my way, however the scene would not leave my mind…

Some things that have been seen,
cannot be forgotten,
no control-alt-delete,
for my brain (that’s full of cotton!)
Taking a llama for a walk?
(or was it an alpaca?)
would make a rugby player,
suddenly do the Hakka!

I apologise  that my verse,
has taken a turn for the worse,
I need to walk with a llama,
to re-align ny Karma!

Turns out that they were alpacas all along and so my verse is yet again wide of the mark! However it’s too late for adjustment so you’ll just have to forgive me! You too can take an alpaca for a walk, just visit http://www.alpacatrekking.co.uk 
Oh! and while I have your attention, the Waterfront B&B in the background is the best in the world, trust me I’ve stayed there and will do so again! https://www.wellswaterfront.co.uk.
(END OF COMMERCIAL BREAK – NORMAL SERVICE RESUMED TOMORROW!)

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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Organics at work!

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Recently our neighbouring farmer had a contractor in with a large spreader to spread his heap of pig muck. Having not had animals on our farm for over 30 years I had forgotten this annual ritual. Apparently those in neighbouring town have more recent memories, although strangely they don’t seem to realize that if they want organic produce, this is the embodiment of such luxury…

The loader digs into the heap,
letting out the odours for others to keep!
Then takes a forkful into the air,
and dumps it into the spreader there.
“The smell is apparent in our home,
please go elsewhere preferribly Rome!
We didn’t move here to breath such a smell,
it’s bound to make our darlings unwell!”
The spreader then drives across the field,
this wholesome muck will boost the yield,
neighbours rush around in a Febreeze-led panic,
yet want all us farmers to go organic!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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The City Fox!

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Yesterday, on our way back from Addenbrokes Hospital in Cambridge, the old passenger in our car was delighted to see a city fox cross the road in front of us. Thrilled that it had been caught sauntering across the road on our dash-cam I rushed to download the footage when we reached home. Unfortunately the image was blurred and not a fraction as impressive as in real life. Therefore the words have to attempt to make up for the inadequacies of the picture…

He strolls across the road,
although he wouldn’t risk it,
or he’d end up brown and flat,
like a Foxes Ginger Biscuit.

He has no need to run,
for lunch to provide,
his chicken always comes,
in a box and deeply fried.

As cool as they come,
but as sharp as a flint,
you just know that he’s sucking,
a Fox’s Glacier Mint.

His parking space is small,
but he wouldn’t drive a box,
it’s his perfect city car,
a red VW Fox!

He is well informed,
always has his views,
sits down in the evenings,
watching the Fox News!

He doesn’t need to hunt,
doesn’t ride a horse,
doesn’t give a damn,
He’s a City Fox of course!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

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