Mistaken Identity!

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muckheapMany years ago we had an emergency on the farm. A passer-by alerted the emergency services to a serious fire and the fire brigade arrived in force to put it out. On Saturday morning I had a customer run up to me and in a faltering voice, between heavy breathing, told me that there was an identical fire by the car boot sale entrance…

“Fire! Fire! Fire!
Call the fire brigade!
there’s smoke down by the entrance,
looks like by yobs it’s been made!”

“Calm down sir, I beg you,
Take deep breaths right now,
Explain carefully if you can,
What, where, when, and how!”

“That straw stack there’s on fire,
it’ll spread across the road,
cars will crash quite soon I fear,
and lorries lose their load!”

I sat him gently in a chair,
“I’ll bring a cup of tea to you,
your straw stack is a pig muck heap,
just a pile of steaming poo!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Last Saturday Lie-in!

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4 Poster BedDo you remember going back to school? The excitement of meeting up with old friends, the prospect of making new ones and a slight nervousness about what lay ahead. I have just had my last Saturday morning lie-in for six months. Next Saturday at this time, I shall be wearing my headmaster’s cloak to welcome back customers for our twenty-first ‘term’ at the car boot sale! Meanwhile today I luxuriate in my last work-free Saturday…

I’ve just enjoyed my last lie-in,
the last until November.
When boot sales start,
it’s up with the lark,
(so long as I remember!).

The alarm clock has been serviced,
at least it has stopped snowing!
Every year,
alas, I fear,
takes more to get me going!

The bed-magnet is quite strong,
its warmth is always pleasing.
Hitch up the loos,
rather than snooze,
and hope the field’s not freezing!

So next week if I’m honest,
I’ll pray that nothing fails!
Vacant stare,
(just body there),
“welcome to our sales!”
Dog in bed© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Financial Perambulations!

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Yesterday, as apprentice grandparents, Mrs Bard and I went unaccompanied to the baby section of a large department store. It was a shock. For some reason I had thought that there was a recession and that money was tight. Prams we looked at (I think that’s what they might be called although they bore no resemblance to anything we had when we were producing children) cost £600, £700 and even £950. I came away with a feeling of inadequacy at our £20 purchase at the car boot sale…

The Rolls-Royce of prams was on display,
I thought it looked quite nice.
But had to suddenly look away,
When confronted by the price!
I started to sweat, I was in deep shock,
I really felt unwell.
Other grandparents would probably mock,
And call me mean as well.
So we continued shopping next door,
While the shock subsided.
And I saw the reason some can pay more:
Free cash was being provided!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season ends this Saturday at 7am but returns after Easter 2013!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Autumn Car Boot Sale Mornings!

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This coming Saturday is our last car boot sale of the season. The mornings have suddenly become darker and there is a distinct chill in the air. Some hardy souls always question why we don’t continue through the winter, I always respond by suggesting that autumn is a gentle reminder of things to come…

Autumn mornings are here once more,
First fallen leaves upon the floor.
At the boot sale buyers hunch their shoulders,
As they barter with the gloved-stallholders.

From the tea urn white steam rises,
Hot drinks poured in different sizes.
No need now for ice-cream scoop,
Just warming coffee and cups of soup!

A mist pervades the distant hills,
Monochromed early-morning stills.
The sun reluctant to leave its bed,
Perhaps we should be there instead!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook Friends: Baldock Bard

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season ends this Saturday at 7am but returns after Easter 2013!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Bard’s New Clothes!

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True friends are those who come to the rescue, they are life’s fourth emergency service. Since my trusty Isuzu burnt out at harvest time (see Bard passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=1064) I have been very lucky to have been lent vehicles by friends to tow the toilets to the car boot sale on a Saturday. Recently Ian has lent me his Land Rover…

Ian lent me his Land Rover,
It goes like a bat out of hell!
Something to do with chips I’m told,
(covered with hot chili sauce as well!)

Compared to my poor burnt Isuzu,
It pulls the loo trailer with ease.
Up the hill I feel quite ill,
As I shout “Whoa, Oh whoa please!
But it’s on Saturday mornings,
Where it seems confusion has been:
Nobody knows my new tin clothes,
I enter the sale unseen!

“Where’s your motor gone?”
Has been a common refrain,
The times I’ve had to answer,
Are enough to addle the brain!

Jim told me the other morning,
(he’s never been a charmer):
“For the first time since I’ve known you,
You look like a proper farmer!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday at 7am until October 13th!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Outside Room!

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There are many thoughts on how to present a pitch at a boot sale. Some prefer items to be formally presented on tables and some like to see customers rummaging through piles on the ground. There are some who see the exercise as an excuse to outdo a John Lewis store window…

Mr and Mrs Albert Groom,
Turned their boot pitch into a room.
Pictures on ‘walls’, rugs on the ground,
It’s the finest outside room to be found!
The only problem I have to say,
So much stuff it’s probably still there today!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning at 7am!


www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Public Sunflower Failure!

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Sometimes the very best intentions go awry. In farming, mistakes that lead to spectacular weed growth almost always happen next to the road where sufferers of ‘Farmer’s Neck’ will be able to see and snigger (Farmers Neck: The ability to rotate head by 360 degrees to view a neighbours crops while driving past). The sniggering isn’t out of spite but a nervous reaction that suggests ‘there by the grace of God go I’ at the same time praising the fact it is somebody else’s turn. Yet again I am the source of Farmers neck…

There are places on my farm,
Where cock-ups should not be made.
More visible than at a wedding,
Toasting the couple with Lucozade!

Twice I drilled some sunflowers,
I thought they’d look fine,
Next to the car boot entrance,
Yellow soldiers all in a line!

First the frost came and killed them,
So I planted some more seeds,
I really don’t know what happened,
All that came were weeds!

So look for Fat Hen and Poppy,
If you visit the car boot sale,
And don’t let me catch you smirking,
At my public sunflower fail!

© Baldock Bard 2012

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning at 7am!


www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Telford Dave’s Games!

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The Olympics have impacted on many people’s lives. For the last two weeks Dave from Telford has been at the Boot Sale. At first I thought he just happened to be on holiday ‘Down South’ but discovered that he is on a very different mission…

For the last two weeks ‘Telford Dave’ did appear
If it weren’t for the Olympics he wouldn’t be here
Not here for the swimming athletics or shootin’
But to spot the aircraft at Stansted and Luton!
Some of the plane’s numbers are incredibly rare
And that’s why he’s spending so much time there
He’s spotted Heads of State and some VIP’s
Some unique numbers have made him so pleased
To him an important time in his life
All thanks to his kids and most patient wife!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday morning at 7am!


www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Noah’s Surprise!

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The wettest June and July since Noah. Shows cancelled, houses flooded, hose-pipe bans lifted and weather forecasters vilified. An almost normal summer here in Baldock! This morning the dove has returned to the Ark with a leaf. Maybe, just maybe, we can break out the shorts…

Half-past five on a Baldock morning
Hardly a cloud up in the sky
It can’t possibly be a Saturday
And certainly not in July!

The Gulf Stream at last has shifted
Apparently has moved up North
We might now get a summer
Rain is needed in the Firth of Forth!

Many shows have been cancelled
At a loss of millions of pounds
Holiday makers have been disappointed
Only ducks have been spellbound!

So I’m off down to the Boot Sale
Leave my boots and coat at home
I might celebrate with a burger
A boot-less farmer-gastronome!

As Bill, who worked here on the farm
(Long-since gone down life’s final drain)
Once said on the first dry day of summer
“Could really do with a drop of rain!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning!


www.u-boot.co.uk

BootLine: 07852 707 074

E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk

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The Equestrian Family!

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We’ve become an ‘equestrian family’,
Since my daughter got a horse,
She grooms it and she feeds it
,
Which all takes cash of course!
On Saturdays we’re at the boot sale,
We buy apples by the ton!
The family lives in penury,
Rosettes are ‘boot sale’ won!
© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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